Sharing/Hoarding Toys

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This is a letter I wrote to a parent at Rainbow Bridge who asked for advice for her toddler. There was a new baby in the family, and Lana, age 23 months, was hoarding toys, and generally making interactions with other children unpleasant. This was especially hard when other children came to their home. After our conversation I wrote this:

Dear Lana's Mom,

I was thinking about Lana and sharing, and thought I'd pass along a modified dialogue that I use around sharing all the time here at Rainbow Bridge. I like it because it gives children dialogue that they can use by themselves some day (in the fairly distant future) without your help. Here's what it looks like:

Lana: (seeing Miller playing with a toy): Mine!
You: YES. That is YOUR toy. You're sharing! It's Miller's turn!
Lana: Mine!
You: Yes. You love playing with that toy! Would you like a turn too?
Lana: (either nods or says:) Mine!
You: Let's ask Miller if you can have a turn when he's done. (Turn to Miller) Miller, can Lana play with that when you're done?
Miller: OK
You: (to Lana) He said yes! You can play with that when he's done! (wait a beat.) What will you play with while you wait? (Wait for a minute to see if Lana can move on to something else by herself. If not, pick up a toy and start playing with it, then say): Maybe this babydoll?
Lana: (Either is distracted, or can't be distracted and starts to cry) Wahhh!!!
You: I know. It's hard to wait! Come on over here and let's see what we can find (Carry her away).

That's the basic gist of it. After you've done it a few hundred times, you might be able to stop after acknowledging that it IS in fact her toy and that it's Miller's turn. When she says "Mine!" again, say, "Yes. You love playing with that toy. What's Miller doing with it? Is he driving it around the livingroom? What would YOU like to drive around the livingroom?" And help her find a similar toy. Or you could say, "Yes. You love playing with that toy. Were you playing with it before?" Lana nods. You go on, "What did you do with it?" Then the conversation proceeds apace and you gradually change the subject. I use this all the time and it's amazing how effective it can be.

**Sometimes, depending on Miller's age, you might ask if Lana can play with it when he's done, and he'll say "No!" Then you say, "Oh, we don't mean right now! We mean when you're ALL done. Can Lana play with it when you're ALL DONE?" Usually that's enough to get him to agree, but if he still says no, you can say, "Well, I think when you're ALL DONE it will be OK. (turn to Lana) Lana, you can play with it when he's all done." And, as an FYI, here at Rainbow Bridge we know that somebody is all done when we see the toy lying on the floor.


If Lana is already trying to pull the toy away from Miller before you get to her, the conversation won't be as smooth. Here's what I do at Rainbow Bridge:

Lana: (pulling at the toy): Mine!
You: Oh! Miller's using that right now! You can find a toy that NOBODY is using! (Take the toy and hand it back to Miller, then say): What will YOU find to play with? (If she won't give it up, say firmly): This is for Miller right now. (take the toy and give it back to Miller.)
Lana: Wahhh!!!
You: (sympathetically):I know. You wish you could have it RIGHT NOW! It's so hard to wait! (wait a beat): Let's go find something for you to play with. (or) What's so-and-so doing over there?


So, hopefully this will give you something to get started with.. The most important thing is to keep your cool, and to remember that 1) with this dialogue you're teaching her skills that she'll be able to use on her own some day, and 2) these things are in fact her toys, so be sympathetic at how hard it is to wait (while at the same time, being firm that it's so-and-so's turn).

I love Lana so much. She's sharp as a tack, and she doesn't miss a beat, and she's firm about what she wants. That makes your job much harder than that of parenting a tractable (or easily distractable) toddler, so don't feel like it's a reflection on your parenting that things are hard with her, and that she doesn't behave as easily as other children seem to. She's going to grow up to be an amazing person, so hang in there! I think you guys are going a great job.

Lana's Mom wrote back:
Faith, this is SO helpful, and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write this all out for me. I think I will print it up and keep it somewhere handy so I can always be remembering this dialogue to use! And I of course love your sweet words about Lana and our parenting - thank you.

LifeWays Principles for Caring for Young Children

My early-childhood program in Boulder, Colorado, is based on the LifeWays philosophy. More can be found about LifeWays on the website http://www.lifewaysnorthamerica.org/ Here are the ten principles that guide our practice:

LIFEWAYS PRINCIPLES FOR CARING for YOUNG CHILDREN AT HOME AND IN CHILDCARE

1. Young children thrive in the presence of parents and other devoted caregivers who enjoy life and caring for children. They learn primarily through imitation/empathy and, therefore, need to be cared for by people with integrity and warmth who are worthy of being imitated. This is the foundation for learning and healthy development.

2. Having consistent caregivers, especially from birth to three years old and, preferably, up to primary school age, is essential for establishing a sense of trust and well-being.

3. Children need relationship with people of all ages. Infants and toddlers thrive in family-style blended-age care, while older children see nurturing modeled by the adults and experience their own place in the continuum of growing up. Children of all ages can both give and receive special blessing when in the company of elders and youth who enjoy children.

4. Each person is uniquely valuable, gifted with purpose and worthy of respect throughout all phases of his or her life’s journey.

5. Human relationship and activity are the essential tools for teaching the young child all foundational skills for life. Infants and toddlers develop most healthily when allowed to have freedom of movement in a safe environment. For three- to six-year-olds, creative play, not technology or early academics, forms the best foundation for school work and for life-long learning.

6. In infancy and early childhood, daily life experience is the “curriculum.” The child’s relationships to the caregivers and to the environment are the two most important aspects through which the child can experience healthy life rhythms/routines. These include the “nurturing arts” of rest and play, regular meal times, exploring nature, practical/domestic activities, social creativity, music and simple artistic activities.

7. Young children thrive in a home or home-like environment that offers beauty, comfort and security, and connection to the living world of nature. Healthy sense development is fostered when most of their clothing and playthings are of non-synthetic materials and their toys allow for open-ended, imaginative play.

8. Childhood is a valid and authentic time unto itself and not just a preparation for schooling. Skipping or hurrying developmental phases can undermine a child’s healthy and balanced development.

9. Parents of young children need and deserve support in their path of parenting—from
professionals, family, and one another. They thrive in a setting where they are loved, respected and helped to feel love and understanding for their children.

10. Caregivers also have an intrinsic purpose and need to be recognized and appropriately compensated for the value of their work. They need an environment where they can create an atmosphere of “home,” build true relationship to the children, and feel autonomous and appreciated.

The Art of Re-direction (More Thoughts on Positive Dicipline)

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Taming the Wild Beasts
What I want to talk about here is the art of re-direction. That’s a large part of what positive discipline is: instead of saying what NOT to do, say what you DO want your child to do. This can be very straightforward (“Please talk in a quiet voice”), but it can also be creative, and here is where you can really learn to enjoy being with young children in a whole new way. My first exposure to this was when I was first considering working in early childhood, and I was observing a kindergarten class at a Waldorf school in Colorado. It was a class of 18 children, and during the free-play time there was a group of four 5-year-old boys who were playing that they were a pack of wild dogs. They roamed wildly around the classroom, growling and barking and wreaking havoc on the games others were playing. The teacher called them over to her, and they came running over. “We’re a pack of wild dogs!” they proudly announced. The teacher looked at them thoughtfully. “Wild dogs!” She said, finally. “Wild dogs don’t come inside. If you’re inside, you must be tame. Where are your owners? Each dog MUST have an owner, you know.” The four boys looked at each other, and an animated discussion immediately broke out amongst them about who would be the dogs, who would be the owners, where they could find leashes, etc. I was impressed. She didn’t try to get the boys to “stop” being loud, or “stop” being wild, or “stop” interrupting the other children’s play. She simply re-directed their play into something more appropriate. These boys came out with absolutely no sense of being wrong; in fact, they never came out of their fantasy at all. It merely changed its form. I remember thinking, “Wow.”

Re-directing play sometimes comes in the form of entering into a child’s fantasy-play and changing its direction: if the “monkeys” on the bed are getting a little too rambunctious, you might suggest that it’s time for them to start making a monkey-home because a baby monkey is on its way. If two boys desperately want to play with the same truck, you might suggest that one boy is the owner, and the other is the mechanic. Once the mechanic finishes fixing it, he gives it back to the owner again. If two children are upset that a littler child keeps ruining the house they’re building, suggest that the littler child can be a kittycat, and if he crawls up to them, they might give him a bowl full of milk. In these ways, children don’t have to “stop” whatever it is they’re doing that is unacceptable; they simply do something different. This method of re-directing boosts our enjoyment of the children we care for in a very immediate way, as we transform behaviors that are annoying or inappropriate into more appropriate behavior, without using the word "stop" at all.

In addition to dipping into a child's fantasy, re-direction can also be used to introduce fantasy, either to make a suggested action more attractive, or to transform a situation in which no fantasy had been previously. This is especially effective with toddlers.

Re-direction for Toddlers
Using imagination to change behavior can still work when children aren’t consciously playing a game, or when they’re still too young to be fully in the throes of fantasy-play. The example I used in the last article, about a child banging his spoon on the table during a meal, might have been just as easily (or more easily) diverted by saying, “Look, my spoon is a bulldozer. It’s scooping up some rice: Zzzzzzz” (sound effect as you scoop some rice laboriously towards your mouth). Chances are good that little Luke, who loves bulldozers, would immediately realize that his spoon is a bulldozer also. This technique of introducing fantasy is very useful when doing things that need to be done, when your child doesn't want to do them. When a two-year-old doesn't want to get her shoes on, her attention might be re-directed away from the power struggle if her shoe magically changed into a bunny. "This little bunny is trying to find a home. Hip-hop! Hip-hop!" If she has been protesting the shoe going on, she might need some time to enter into the fantasy with you. So don't go directly to the foot: "Is this my home?" The shoe hops onto the child's ear. "No! That's no home for a bunny!" (pause) "Is this my home?" The shoe hops onto the child's hand. "No! That's no home for a bunny!" "Is this my home?"Finally the shoe hops to the child's foot. "Hooray! The bunny has found a home. This is a good home for a bunny."

Sometimes re-direction can be accomplished with just a word or a phrase, but on some occasions, more effort is required. After working with toddlers for three years, I finally discovered what I could do with toddlers who just NEED to run while we’re inside, especially during our snowy Colorado winters. One child would start running, and this would excite another child to start running, and soon there’d be a pack of them, running and yelling. It was so fun for them, my re-direction efforts fell on deaf ears. It always seemed to be twenty minutes till lunch, too short to dress everyone to go outside. What could I do? Well, after three years, I finally came up with this perfectly simple game: I would see children running, and I would start singing a little song that I made up: “You’re running, you’re running, you’re running ‘round the room.” Then came the key part. I’d continue the song: “You’re running, you’re running, fall—down—boom!” And down they’d all go. From that down-position, I could start another action. “You’re crawling, you’re crawling, you’re crawling ‘round the room. You’re crawling, you’re crawling, fall—down—boom!” When I was first establishing the game, I did it with them to reinforce the actions, especially the falling part, which is vital. Soon they would do it on their own. As I got more savvy, I’d start with lots of big-motor movements: running, jumping, giant steps, spinning. After spinning I’d move on to lower movements: crawling, bear-walking, rolling. And sometimes, depending on the mood, I’d end with a very soft, “You’re sleeping, you’re sleeping, you’re sleeping round the room. You’re sleeping, you’re sleeping, shhh---shhh---shhhhh.” And I’d tiptoe over and cover each one with a soft cloth, then tiptoe away. They didn’t stay down very long, but when they got up, the energy was completely different from the running energy before the game. This is a fairly involved re-direction effort, but compared to groups of toddlers running and yelling, and me tearing my hair out, it was well worth it. The children loved that game, and would often request it. And I enjoyed my time with them through the long winters.