Pre-Verbal Hitting

Hey Miss Faith, I was wondering if you could write more on hitting.
          Our pre-verbal 15 mo is going through a rough phase this past month. He hits me and my husband in the face, throws things at us and the dog, pulls the cats by their tails and bops the goats on the nose. He's just being too rough with everyone. 
          We've tried reminding and showing him how to use "gentle hands," and here lately we've been yelling, "No, we don't hit!" but that doesn't help either. My husband is getting really frustrated as this behavior continues and increases, and he wants me to start smacking him on the hand but that just seems antithetical to all my parenting philosophies.
          Just seems hard for us to communicate the ideas to him... maybe it seems harder because he doesn't yet talk himself.

Hi Mama, 

In my experience, there are often two ‘rough phases’ with pre-verbal kids.  The first often comes shortly after becoming steady on their feet; the other one often happens right before a child is about to start speaking.

ROUGHNESS AFTER LEARNING TO WALK

So, your little guy learns to walk.  At first, this is a great accomplishment on its own, and it takes all of his concentration.  But then, he has mastered it!  At this point, many kids go through a ‘rough’ phase.  In my mind, I think of it as them realizing that they are big and powerful in the world!  They are exulting in their new-found strength, and in the new-found freedom to use their arms for grabbing or flailing instead of for crawling.  At this stage, I often see kids hitting, or grabbing hair, poking eyes, or biting for the first time.  They are experiencing this new freedom from the inside, and they have no idea that these fabulous new movements are actually hurting other people, or the cat, or whatever else they come into contact with.  This idea that they have to observe how their actions are affecting other people, and moderate them, is totally foreign.  Up until this point in their lives, their actions have never had this effect on people before.  So, we have to teach them to moderate their actions. 

Because this is brand-new, it certainly won’t happen overnight.  That's where we, as parents and caregivers, have to pull on our inner reserves.  Just be as patient as you can, and remember that this is a new skill and a new idea, and will take many, many times of practicing before it becomes an internal process for him.  Yelling as a general strategy doesn’t seem to help to speed up the process, although if a child really hurts you (through a hard bite, or a head-butt in the larynx, for example), then a big reaction is warrented.  But that should be saved for infrequent safety-related moments.  In general, remember that children learn through repetition, and through imitation.  Don’t just say “gentle hands,” as that has little meaning.  Instead, say “gentle hands,” and help him stroke the kitty, or stroke your leg, or stroke the neighbor girl’s arm.  "Yes, that's it!  You're touching with gentle hands!"  If you re-direct his actions into stroking with his ‘gentle hands’ EVERY SINGLE TIME he is too rough, here’s what may well happen:  First, you do it about a hundred times.  After a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to say “gentle hands,” and some of the time he’ll start stroking on his own, without you physically helping him to do it.  You give him lots of love when he does that.  About 4 weeks in, he might start going over to the cat, or to the neighbor girl, and he’ll look directly at you, and very deliberately stroke her, without any prompting from you.  You go crazy with joy, because this is the beginning of a new era!  You still have to remind him (and help him) to touch gently a lot of the time, but he knows how to do it, and even thinks about doing it on his own.  He is proud of his accomplishment, and you are too.

ROUGHNESS BEFORE LEARNING TO SPEAK

The second time I’ve noticed that it’s fairly common for pre-verbal children to become aggressive is right before they start to speak.  It seems to me that there is a process where a child becomes very frustrated that others can’t understand him, and then there’s a kind of break-through, and when they start speaking, things tend to even out.  When this phase is going on, it can be very useful to give the child the words he will soon be using (you hope!).  So, you see the neighbor girl accidentally bump into your little boy, and your boy turns around and hits her.  Instead of saying, “No hitting!” or, “We don’t hit,” (or even "gentle hands,") try saying what he wishes he could say:  “You’re saying, ‘Please don’t bump me!’”  If the neighbor girl is crying, I would go over to her and give her a hug, saying “Oh no!  Are you alright?  That was too rough, wasn’t it?  I think he was trying to say, ‘Please don’t bump me!’”  Being a Translator for your little guy can help smooth out this time, and when those words come, he’ll know how to say what he’s wanting to express.

And last thoughts:  this time when they're learning to moderate their impulses can be trying for everyone, so don't forget to enjoy one another as much as you can!  Whenever you are stepping up the 'discipline,' it's important to step up displays of love by an equal amount.

Warmly,

Faith

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Toddlers Grabbing

Dear Miss Faith,

My son is 22 months and he always wants to pound on the computer keyboard or grab the mouse.  My husband yells at him a lot for this, and the whole thing is driving me crazy, but I don’t know what to do.  Any ideas you have would be welcome.

Hi there,

It’s not surprising that your little guy wants to bang on the keyboard and grab the mouse, that’s what he sees you and dad doing, all the time!  Children want to be involved in whatever we’re involved in, and they want to do whatever they see us doing.  That said, it’s not always appropriate for them to do what we’re doing!  What to do?

I have a couple of suggestions:  the first one is to get or make a toy computer that he can play with, so he can use that imitative urge.  You can make a perfectly good laptop out of a FedEx box, some construction paper, and a marker.  However, this will only solve part of the problem, because the real issue is that he sees your computer sucking your attention away, and he wants to be involved in whatever you’re involved in.  But yelling at him not to touch doesn’t get you very far.  Here’s the important piece:

Whenever a child wants to touch something that you don’t want them to be messing with, think of a way that he CAN touch/interact with it, that is OK with you.  Using one finger is often helpful.  For a laptop, it might be that he can run his index finger along the edge that protects the screen.  Next, teach him how to do it.  And from then on, whenever he wants to interact with the computer, you can guide him to touch it in this way that you’ve sanctioned.  So you’re never pushing him away, you’re never yelling at him to stop, you’re just reminding him, again and again, how he CAN touch it.  “Oh!  You can touch it on the edge, with your finger.” (Show him.  He imitates).  “That’s right!  You’re touching the computer!  That’s the way you do it!”  You smile into his eyes, and he’s thrilled that he gets to interact with you around this object which you spend lots of time concentrating on, and clearly love.  You’re not pushing him away, you’re inviting him in, in a way that is age-appropriate.  He can touch the edge of the computer as many times as he wants to. 

I have done this with children that age with many things, and it seems to satisfy them.  I had one little girl who was a little younger, 17 months or so, who desperately wanted to grab my knitting whenever I’d sit down with it on the couch.  Instead of pulling it away from her or chastising her, I came up with a little ritual: whenever she wanted to interact with my knitting, she could put one finger up and touch the tip of one needle, then the tip of another.  It took a couple of days of near-constant practice with her, but eventually it became an established ritual, and then lost much its interest (perhaps because it didn’t get such a big response as grabbing my knitting had?).  After that she would come up and touch my knitting needles about once an hour, but no more.  Each time was a little chance for us to make eye contact and connect briefly, and then she’d go back to her play.  She rarely grabbed it again.  I’ve also done this with flowers in my garden:  with flowers, you can touch them with one finger, or you can smell them.  That is all.  Children are satisfied with this, just as they are satisfied with the fact that the garbage has to stay in the trash can, or the lamp has to stay upright, or all of the other rules around touching things that we have in our lives.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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"Stop," "Don't," and "No."

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How and Why to Stop Saying “Stop,” “Don’t,” and “No.”

Stop saying “Stop.”

Why I avoid saying ‘stop’:

Young children can’t stop.  They don’t understand it yet; the only time they stop is when they’re sleeping.  So I try to avoid saying “stop,” as that only tends to lead to frustration, both on my part and the children’s.

               So what to do when children are doing something that you don’t like?  Well, even though children can’t stop, they CAN do something else.  So instead of saying, “stop banging your spoon on the table,” I say, “You can use your spoon to take a bite.”  Instead of saying, “Stop throwing sand,” I say, “You can put that sand into a bucket.”   Instead of saying, “Stop grabbing,” I say, “You can find a toy that nobody is using.”

               When a child is interacting with another child in a way that they don’t like, I try not to say “stop.”  Instead, I give them the words to talk to one another:

Sam comes up and tries to grab Harry’s toy.

Harry:  Wah!  (Looking at me)

Me:  Harry, you can say, “I’m playing with this right now.”

Harry:  I’m playing with this right now.

Sam:  Wah!

Me:  Oh, you wish you were playing with that?

Sam:  (nod)

Me:  Why don’t you say, “Can I use that when you’re done?”

Sam:  Can I use that when you’re done?

Harry: Mine!

Me:  Harry, you can say, “You can use this when I’m all done.”

When kids say “stop” to each other, I help them by translating very clearly what “stop” means.  At Rainbow Bridge, “Stop means take your hands away.”  I keep my ears out and whenever I hear a child saying “stop,” I turn around and watch, and remind them if needed, “Stop means take your hands away.”  If they don’t, I’ll continue, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away this time.”

Don’t say “Don’t.”

Why I avoid using the word don’t:

We all think with imagery, and children even more than adults.  If I say, “Don’t run in the street,” what’s the image that comes into your head?  Now, how about if I say, “Please walk straight along the sidewalk.”  The word “don’t” is a modifier that is very weak compared to the strong image created by the rest of the phrase.  This is why, if you say “Don’t jump in the puddle,” the average two-year-old will go directly to the puddle and jump in it, and be slightly puzzled as to why you’re annoyed.

What I do instead

The solution is exactly the same as with “stop.”  Instead of saying what you don’t want, say what you DO want the child to do.  If a little boy is riding his bike towards his friends and knocks into them over and over again, I will say, “You can go around your friends.”  If a child is leaning on a gate that is rickety, I’ll tell them, “Please stand up straight and tall.”

               Because we think so strongly in images, I also use images to set the scene for children, telling them how I want them to act in an upcoming situation:  “When I open the gate, everyone will walk calmly through, and wait on the other side until I latch it again.  Then we’ll walk together on the sidewalk, stopping at each tree for me to catch up.”  I don’t necessarily expect them to remember and obey, I’m just planting the seeds and setting the scene.  Then I’ll remind them right before each step, what’s about to happen.

Why Not to say “No.”

Why I avoid saying ‘no.’

I try to avoid saying no because children hear it all the time, and it loses its effectiveness if used too much.

What I do instead

If a child needs a swift word to stop them from doing something, I will often clap twice, very loudly.  This startles them and pauses them long enough for me to let them know what I DO want them to be doing.

               If a child asks if they can do something or have something, I try to say Yes, with as many caveats as I need.  If I’m up to the elbows in sudsy dishwater and a child asks me to tie a cape around their neck, I’ll say, “Yes.  I’ll help you as soon as I’m done with the dishes.”  If the child complains that they want it right now, we might brainstorm together: they could ask a friend for help, or try to do it themselves, or play with something else until I’m done.

               If the child asks for something and the answer will always be no, I will either tell them what they CAN have, “You can have a red ball today,” and just be compassionate if that’s a disappointment; or I will say “yes” in my imagination:  “If I had another green ball, I would give it to you for sure!”  I often take this imagination and run with it, making it bigger and bigger, and then transforming it into another conversation:  “In fact, if I had two green balls, I’d have one for you and one for me.  And we could throw them back and forth.  If we had three green balls, who would you give the third one to?  What if we had a whole room full of balls?  We could take them to the park and give one to every child we met!  That would sure be fun.  Remember last time we went to the park?”  And on from there.

-Tell them when they CAN have/do what they want

Conclusion

               The reason that I try to avoid saying stop, don’t, and no, isn’t because it will ruin a child’s self-esteem.  I do it because it’s significantly more effective than the alternatives.  And I do it because I enjoy my time with toddlers more when I’m not saying no all the time!

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The Foundation of Social Interactions

The foundation of positive social interactions between children is to teach them to notice how other children are receiving their actions, and to listen to each others' requests. 


Noticing How Others React         
The first piece of this is to help youngsters start to notice both positive and negative responses to their actions.  This is especially important when children are touching one another, as it's often hard for young kids to realize what the results of their actions will be, especially the under-twos, who often like the feeling of grabbing or hitting.  I know one little boy who always wanted to hug his friends, but it often turned into a death-grip, leading the recipient of the hug to struggle, and both children fall down.   He wanted to connect with others but doesn't know how.  I worked with him for a long time, teaching him to do a quick hug-and-release.  When he was successful, I'd say, “Look, she's smiling!  She liked that!”  Or, if it went on too long, I'd say, “Oh no.  She's pushing you away.  She's saying, 'please stop.'”  Eventually, he was able to notice on his own whether others liked it, and others were able to say "please stop" on her own. 
          Note:  this technique for death-grip-hugs will only work if what he's wanting is connection.  If what he's actually wanting is physical stimulation, it's much more effective to pick him up and spin him around, hang him upside-down, or lay him on the floor and roll him over and over across the room.  That way he can get what he's looking for from someone who is enjoying the interaction.


Listening to Requests
        The other piece to the foundation of positive social interactions is to make sure that children respond to their friends' requests.  The biggest piece of this is to listen for whenever a child is saying “Stop,” and make sure that the other child stops.  At Rainbow Bridge, STOP MEANS TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY.  So, I keep my ears sharply tuned, and whenever I hear someone saying 'stop' (or preferably, 'please stop'), I'll turn around and watch.  If the child doesn't stop, I'll move in and say, “Oh!  I hear Jessie saying stop!”  Then, if they don't stop, I'll remind them, “stop means take your hands away.”  And, if they still can't do it, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away,” and I'll help them.  There doesn't have to be any blame, it's just them learning to follow the rules, just like any other rules, such as staying at the table while we're eating, or only going downstairs with an adult.

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The Value of Saying "No"

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         One thing that dramatically affects how much we enjoy the company of a child is how they react when they ask for something and are told “no.” Being able to handle disappointment gracefully is a very advanced skill, and one that doesn't necessarily come easily or naturally. Nevertheless, having that skill is something that will really serve these little people as they go through life, and will make our enjoyment of them that much richer. So what can we do as parents and caregivers to help children develop this skill?

Avoiding "No"

          Children under two (or even 2 ½) have very little control over their emotions. So the best thing you can do is to avoid establishing negative patterns of tantrums, whining, etc. that will be hard to break when they're older. Ironically, one of the best ways to do this is to avoid saying “no” as much as possible. One of your biggest tools in this area will be to have a strong daily rhythm. When kids know exactly how things will go, they are much less likely to resist what's going on or want something different.

          Even with a strong rhythm in place, however, kids at this age want things all the time that they can't have. So how can you say “no” without saying “no”? At this age, the answer is re-direction. Something more easily said than done, right? Well, here's a re-direction technique that I use all the time. It takes some work, but it's worth it. The thing to do is to say “yes” in imagination, and then take them on an imaginary journey that ends somewhere else. Here's one example I used with a mom just the other day:

Your little boy wants a toy airplane that his older brother is playing with. He winds up to start throwing a fit. You say to him, “You really want that airplane. You want it RIGHT NOW! You LOVE airplanes, and you hate waiting!” Say it really emphatically, so that he knows you 'get it.' You might have to say it a few times. When he's paying attention to you, you can say, “If I had another airplane, I'd give it to you right now.” (you're saying yes in your imagination.) “If you had an airplane RIGHT NOW, what would you do with it?” He looks at you quizzically. You go on, “If you had that airplane RIGHT NOW, I bet you'd fly it all around the house. What room would you fly it into?” Pause for a moment to let him think about it, then go on, “I bet you'd fly it into the livingroom. Vrrroooommmm! You'd go around the coffee table, the around the couch. Then you'd fly it past the diningroom table! Vrrooommm!” Continue in this vein, taking him on an imaginary journey until you can tell he's really into it. Then change the direction slightly. “Then you'd fly it past the cat! Do you think she'd like that?” Pause and watch him, then answer: “No! Kitty doesn't like airplanes at all! If she saw you going by, she might run away and hide!” Then, “In fact, where is kitty? Do you think she's hiding in the livingroom right now? Let's go find her!”

Like I said, this technique takes some work, but the more you practice it, the better you get. If you can use this type of distraction and re-direction, you can limit how often you say “no” to your child. And by the way, with a little finesse, this technique can work with older kids as well. It's time to leave a play-date at the park and your four-year-old doesn't want to. “You want to stay here forever? OK!” (saying yes in imagination). “That would be funny! What would you eat for dinner? You could ask the squirrels if they would share their nuts with you! And where would you sleep?” Look around. “I know! You could sleep underneath the tire-swing. You could make a big pile of wood chips and burrow into it, just like a little mouse.” You get the picture.

Saying "No"

          By the time kids are approaching three, they've usually figured out what works to get you to change your mind when you say “no.” Maybe throwing tantrums has worked well for them. Maybe if they whine long enough you get tired and give in. Or, they'll explain and explain why you should change your mind, wearing you down until you do change your mind, or they end up in tears.  So how to establish good habits around reacting to being told "no"?

          I know I go against popular culture here, but I believe that children do not benefit from lengthy discussions of why they can't have what they want. A simple explanation is fine, but after that it simply draws out the bad feelings of being told “no,” and keeps them from moving on. And in practical terms, it greatly increases the amount of time the two of you spend disagreeing with one another. Helping your child to accept “no” gracefully, and move on, will benefit you both. So how do you do that? Well, if your child is used to lengthy explanations, it will take some time and effort to change that pattern.  Be patient and don't give up.

          Use Humor. When a child asks for something that they know they can't have, don't give them a long explanation about how they know they can't have cookies before dinner. Don't even be disapproving. From their perspective, it was worth a try, right? So simply laugh while you say no. “No.....Silly girl!” And give her a smooch.  You don't even have to remind her that she can have one cookie after dinner, just like always. She knows.

          Be Matter-of-Fact. Kids often take their emotional cues from us, so watch your tone.  When a child asks for a sugar cereal in the grocery store, a cheerful "Nope!" or “Not today,” is surprisingly effective, especially if you follow it up with a comment leading them in a different direction. You don't need to explain about how sugar cereals are bad for you, how they'll rot your teeth or give you a tummy ache. The less discussion you give it, the faster they can move on. Note: if you have traditionally changed your mind after pleading or nagging in the past, your child will take awhile to change his response. But if you practice, and are consistent that once you've said “not today” you don't change your mind, your child will learn to accept this without question unless it feels really important to him. I say “not today” at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and the children simply accept it and move on. It is part of our culture there.

          Be Empathetic. Sometimes I'll say “not today,” and a child will burst into tears. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and take them into my arms. “Wow, you really wanted to do that, huh?” I'll say. “You thought I'd say yes, but then I said no instead.” They'll nod tearfully. Now, at this point there's a huge urge to either 1) explain why they can't get what they want, 2) bargain with them/bribe them with replacement items, or 3) give in. Put all of those urges on hold, and simply give them some love, instead. “I love you sooo much.” Give a kiss on the top of the head, and start humming a song as you rock back and forth. Stay with them as long as they need, simply pouring in the love without trying to solve anything. They are learning to handle disappointment, and that's a big task! In a minute or two, they'll calm down. “Would you like to help me unload the dishwasher?” you might ask.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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The Art of Re-direction (More Thoughts on Positive Dicipline)

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Taming the Wild Beasts
What I want to talk about here is the art of re-direction. That’s a large part of what positive discipline is: instead of saying what NOT to do, say what you DO want your child to do. This can be very straightforward (“Please talk in a quiet voice”), but it can also be creative, and here is where you can really learn to enjoy being with young children in a whole new way. My first exposure to this was when I was first considering working in early childhood, and I was observing a kindergarten class at a Waldorf school in Colorado. It was a class of 18 children, and during the free-play time there was a group of four 5-year-old boys who were playing that they were a pack of wild dogs. They roamed wildly around the classroom, growling and barking and wreaking havoc on the games others were playing. The teacher called them over to her, and they came running over. “We’re a pack of wild dogs!” they proudly announced. The teacher looked at them thoughtfully. “Wild dogs!” She said, finally. “Wild dogs don’t come inside. If you’re inside, you must be tame. Where are your owners? Each dog MUST have an owner, you know.” The four boys looked at each other, and an animated discussion immediately broke out amongst them about who would be the dogs, who would be the owners, where they could find leashes, etc. I was impressed. She didn’t try to get the boys to “stop” being loud, or “stop” being wild, or “stop” interrupting the other children’s play. She simply re-directed their play into something more appropriate. These boys came out with absolutely no sense of being wrong; in fact, they never came out of their fantasy at all. It merely changed its form. I remember thinking, “Wow.”

Re-directing play sometimes comes in the form of entering into a child’s fantasy-play and changing its direction: if the “monkeys” on the bed are getting a little too rambunctious, you might suggest that it’s time for them to start making a monkey-home because a baby monkey is on its way. If two boys desperately want to play with the same truck, you might suggest that one boy is the owner, and the other is the mechanic. Once the mechanic finishes fixing it, he gives it back to the owner again. If two children are upset that a littler child keeps ruining the house they’re building, suggest that the littler child can be a kittycat, and if he crawls up to them, they might give him a bowl full of milk. In these ways, children don’t have to “stop” whatever it is they’re doing that is unacceptable; they simply do something different. This method of re-directing boosts our enjoyment of the children we care for in a very immediate way, as we transform behaviors that are annoying or inappropriate into more appropriate behavior, without using the word "stop" at all.

In addition to dipping into a child's fantasy, re-direction can also be used to introduce fantasy, either to make a suggested action more attractive, or to transform a situation in which no fantasy had been previously. This is especially effective with toddlers.

Re-direction for Toddlers
Using imagination to change behavior can still work when children aren’t consciously playing a game, or when they’re still too young to be fully in the throes of fantasy-play. The example I used in the last article, about a child banging his spoon on the table during a meal, might have been just as easily (or more easily) diverted by saying, “Look, my spoon is a bulldozer. It’s scooping up some rice: Zzzzzzz” (sound effect as you scoop some rice laboriously towards your mouth). Chances are good that little Luke, who loves bulldozers, would immediately realize that his spoon is a bulldozer also. This technique of introducing fantasy is very useful when doing things that need to be done, when your child doesn't want to do them. When a two-year-old doesn't want to get her shoes on, her attention might be re-directed away from the power struggle if her shoe magically changed into a bunny. "This little bunny is trying to find a home. Hip-hop! Hip-hop!" If she has been protesting the shoe going on, she might need some time to enter into the fantasy with you. So don't go directly to the foot: "Is this my home?" The shoe hops onto the child's ear. "No! That's no home for a bunny!" (pause) "Is this my home?" The shoe hops onto the child's hand. "No! That's no home for a bunny!" "Is this my home?"Finally the shoe hops to the child's foot. "Hooray! The bunny has found a home. This is a good home for a bunny."

Sometimes re-direction can be accomplished with just a word or a phrase, but on some occasions, more effort is required. After working with toddlers for three years, I finally discovered what I could do with toddlers who just NEED to run while we’re inside, especially during our snowy Colorado winters. One child would start running, and this would excite another child to start running, and soon there’d be a pack of them, running and yelling. It was so fun for them, my re-direction efforts fell on deaf ears. It always seemed to be twenty minutes till lunch, too short to dress everyone to go outside. What could I do? Well, after three years, I finally came up with this perfectly simple game: I would see children running, and I would start singing a little song that I made up: “You’re running, you’re running, you’re running ‘round the room.” Then came the key part. I’d continue the song: “You’re running, you’re running, fall—down—boom!” And down they’d all go. From that down-position, I could start another action. “You’re crawling, you’re crawling, you’re crawling ‘round the room. You’re crawling, you’re crawling, fall—down—boom!” When I was first establishing the game, I did it with them to reinforce the actions, especially the falling part, which is vital. Soon they would do it on their own. As I got more savvy, I’d start with lots of big-motor movements: running, jumping, giant steps, spinning. After spinning I’d move on to lower movements: crawling, bear-walking, rolling. And sometimes, depending on the mood, I’d end with a very soft, “You’re sleeping, you’re sleeping, you’re sleeping round the room. You’re sleeping, you’re sleeping, shhh---shhh---shhhhh.” And I’d tiptoe over and cover each one with a soft cloth, then tiptoe away. They didn’t stay down very long, but when they got up, the energy was completely different from the running energy before the game. This is a fairly involved re-direction effort, but compared to groups of toddlers running and yelling, and me tearing my hair out, it was well worth it. The children loved that game, and would often request it. And I enjoyed my time with them through the long winters.

Positive Discipline: Transforming "No" into "Yes"

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The best thing we can do to make our discipline more effective, and to make our time with the children in our care more enjoyable, is to eliminate the word “stop” from our vocabularies. This seems counter-intuitive: children are constantly doing things we don’t want them to, so how will we enjoy them MORE if we can’t tell them to stop doing something? But let me assure you, this is the case with positive discipline. In my experience, children are unable to “stop.” The only times they ever “stop” is when they are sleeping. As long as they are awake, they are in constant motion, constantly “doing.” So telling a child “stop” is like telling them “grow up.” They can’t. But what children CAN do, is they can do something other than what they’re doing that’s inappropriate or annoying. And that’s where we get to the crux of positive discipline. Instead of telling children what we DON’T want them to do, tell them what we DO want them to do. If your child is banging his spoon on the table, you can say, “Stop banging your spoon” till you’re blue in the face. Little is likely to change. But if instead, you say, “Please use your spoon to take a bite,” chances are much more likely that the banging will stop. If a child is leaning on a gate that can’t take the weight, instead of saying, “Stop leaning on the gate,” try saying “please stand up straight and tall.” You might then add how they CAN touch the gate: “I’d like you just to touch that gate softly.”
This method of positive discipline is fantastic for several reasons: first, because it’s nicer for children to go through life not feeling like they’re “bad” or doing things wrong. Second, it’s nicer for us as caregivers to be able to concentrate on positive things the children are doing (or could be doing), which increases our enjoyment of them. But the main reason that positive discipline is so great is that it is so much more effective than traditional methods of discipline. I had a mentor when I first started working in early childhood who explains. She said that the reason it’s so much more effective is because we think in pictures. We all think in pictures, and children much more so than adults. So she gave this example:

If I say to you, “Don’t run out in the street," what’s the image that comes into your head? (Stop: what’s the image that came into your head? Of someone running out into the street, right?) But how about if I say, “Please walk straight along the sidewalk.” What image comes into your head this time? Someone walking straight along the sidewalk, right? Now if the images are that strong to us as adults, imagine how strong it is for children.

That’s why, when we say to a child, “Don’t jump in the puddle,” she is likely to immediately go over and jump in the puddle. Then we get angry: “What did I just say?!” And she looks up at us with a sweet, puzzled face and says, “Don’t jump in the puddle.” “Yes! So why did you jump in the puddle?” And she can’t answer. Well, the answer is that we put that image in her head. The modifier “don’t” doesn’t mean much to young children. But if we had seen the puddle and instead said, “Please walk carefully around the puddle,” we’re much more likely to get the result we want, and enjoy our child’s company that much more.

Positive Discipline for How to Use Things
When it comes to how we treat things in our environment, we never realize how many rules there are about things until we have a toddler in our care. The floor lamp should stay upright. The toilet paper should stay rolled up. The trash should stay in the trash can. Almost everything has rules attached to it. Even toys that we get for the children have many more rules than we realize: just wait till a child throws a block at you instead of stacking it. So, if a 24-month-old child throws a block, there are two things you could say: first, you could say what you DO want them to do with the block: “Those blocks are for stacking." You can follow this up with a physical prompt: "Let's stack them together.” Move in and start stacking blocks. Or second, you could talk about what they CAN throw: “You can throw soft balls. Where IS a ball?” I always keep a basket of soft balls in my play room for children to throw. As children begin to mature, you can allow the child to show his mastery of the rules: “Blocks are for stacking. But what can you throw?” A two-year-old will happily exclaim, “Soft balls!” And with very little prompting, he will then run happily over to the ball basket. It’s important to remember that the vast majority of times, toddlers are not “breaking the rules.” They are simply in the process of learning impulse control. They know what they’re allowed throw when you ask them, but they can’t think of it before they throw something else. Only through practice and maturity will they be able to move to that level. If we remember that we are helping them learn this important skill as we “practice” it with them over and over, we can work on transforming annoyance into compassionate understanding as toddlers learn the rules about how we handle different objects.

Children have natural urges to throw, climb, run, and yell. It’s important to have areas where each of these things is appropriate. I am very sensitive to loud noises, so for me, yelling is allowed by the fence at the back of my property. If a child yells inside, I’ll remind them, “You can yell out by the gate. Inside, please speak in a soft voice.” If they have trouble speaking in a soft voice, you might give them a more attractive option (distraction) by singing a song or reciting a nursery rhyme that goes along with their activity: “To market to market to buy a fat pig. Home again home again, jiggity jig. To market to market to buy a fat hog. Home again home, again jiggety jog. To market to market to buy a plum bun. Home again home again, market is done.”

Positive Dicipline for Interacting with Others
So how does this work in terms of what we often think of as “discipline?” If a child in your care is hitting another child, for example, how do you use positive discipline? Well, it’s largely the same. (more here.)

When Our First Try Doesn't Work
And what if it “doesn’t work?” What if your child is banging his spoon on the table, and you ask him to use it to take a bite, and this has no effect? What then? Well, in that case there are two things to do: first, distraction, and second, consequences. Which comes when? In general, distraction is preferable for young children, but it depends on the situation, and on the age of the child, and how often the behavior occurs. If 14-month-old Gregory is banging his spoon, you would start with, “You can use your spoon to take a bite!” Wait a beat. “Where IS a bite for your spoon?” Wait another beat. “Is there a piece of carrot in your bowl?” Then we simply take the spoon away and hand him his sippy cup to distract him. We know he's a baby and has very little impulse control. It doesn't annoy us in the same way that it would if a two-and-a-half year-old were doing it, for example. So here’s how the situation looked the other day at Rainbow Bridge with 28-month-old Jude. He loves to bang his spoon, and we’ve been through this many times. I know he’s not easily distracted, so I move on to consequences much more quickly:

Jude bangs his spoon on the table. I say, “Please use your spoon to take a bite!” The banging continues. “That spoon is just for eating,” I say. “ If you can’t use it to take a bite, I will hold it until you’re ready.” The banging continues. “Ok, I’ll take it.” I take the spoon. Jude puts up a howl. I say, “This spoon is just for taking bites. Are you ready to take a bite with it?” He quickly says yes, and I give him back the spoon. He takes a bite with it, and I give him some positive feedback. “That’s right! You’re using your spoon to take a bite!” A few minutes later, he has forgotten, and the urge to bang comes over him again. I feel a flash of annoyance. I transform my annoyance into compassion: “You love banging that spoon on the table." But the compassion doesn't change the expectation, so I follow it up with, "But, it’s just for taking bites.” Banging continues. I calmly take it away. Jude howls: “No! I take bites!” I say, compassionately, “This time you’ll have to wait for a little bit. It’s hard for you to remember today, huh?” I take two or maybe three bites of my food, then turn to Jude and say, “Are you ready to use your spoon just for taking bites?” He agrees. Since he’s two-and-a-half, I know he’s old enough for an additional consequence, so I tell him (before giving the spoon back to him), “If you bang your spoon on the table again, I will take your spoon away for the rest of the meal. Do you understand?” He looks me in the eye and says yes. I give him back his spoon. A few minutes later, the banging starts again. I calmly state, “It looks like you’re done with your spoon,” and I take it away. Jude sets up a real howl. I work again to turn my annoyance into compassion: “That's a real disappointment, huh.” Then I try for distraction: “I’m thirsty. I think I’ll take a drink of water.” On another day, he might take a drink of water, but today he won’t be distracted. “I want my spoon. I take bites. I take bites,” he tells me earnestly. “You’ll have to use your spoon to take bites next time,” I tell him compassionately. “This time, the spoon is all done.” After waiting for a minute to let this sink in, I pour on the distraction: “Listen! Do you hear a bus?” And with that, I start singing: “The wheels on the bus go up and down, up and down…”

Now, it occurs to me that if I had been more on top of things, or gotten more sleep the night before, or been in a better mood, I might have been savvy enough to bring out The Wheels On the Bus much earlier, and we might have avoided the scene altogether. Then again, Jude really loves banging his spoon, so it might have only put it off for a few minutes. I turn my compassion on myself for a minute. What could we do that would distract Jude, but be more enjoyable for me than the 1,000th rendition of The Wheels on the Bus? "Do you want to hear a story about when I was a little girl?" I ask Jude. He nods enthusiastically. "Yes!" he says.