Foster Patience

 Our enjoyment of the children in our lives increases dramatically when we teach them how to be patient. Picture two sets of mothers talking together. One has a child who wants his mom to push him on the swing. She tells him that she's busy talking, and he whines and pulls on her for five minutes until she finally gives in. With the other set of mothers, a little boy wants his mom to play on the teeter-totter with him. She says, “I'm talking to Mary right now; I'll come over in a few minutes.” He waits patiently until she is done, or goes off to play with something else, checking back periodically to see when she'll be ready. Who wouldn't want their child to be more like that second little boy! Many people seem to think that patient children just naturally “come” that way, but in reality, patience is a skill that we can help children learn.

So how do we foster patience in the children we care for? Patience is really about children being able to regulate themselves, and there are several things we can do to help them learn.

Use Ritual

When I first started working with groups toddlers, it seemed like mealtimes were especially hard. No matter how quickly I tried to get everyone seated and get the food out, it seemed like it was never fast enough. They just couldn't wait, and it seemed to end with a melt-down as often as not. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized that since I couldn't do it any faster, I needed to change my whole approach. And what I did was to slow down, and infuse the beginnings of meals with ritual. I used song and verse, and I did things in the exact same way each time. I washed children's hands in the same order. I stopped between tasks and played finger-games with the group. And suddenly, even though the mealtime transition now took at least three times as long as it had before, the children were able to sit quietly and patiently through the whole thing. It was amazing! Ritual helps children to self-regulate (which leads to learning patience) by letting them know exactly where they are in the process.

Tell Them When

Another thing you can do to help children learn patience is to tell them exactly when they will be able to get what they want. Young children's concept of time is linear, so to tell them “exactly when” is to tell them what will happen between now and then. If a child wants you to help her undress a baby-doll while you're washing the dishes, you might say, “First I'll finish washing this pot, then I'll rinse it, and wipe my hands, and then I will help you with your doll.” If they want you to go upstairs with them but you're busy paying bills, you might say, “I'm going to finish writing this check, then I'll put it in the envelope, put a stamp and address on it, and put it by the door. Then I will come upstairs with you.” If, after a moment, she comes back and asks you again, you can say, “I'm done writing the check, and I've put it in the envelope. Now I'm putting the stamp and address on it, then I'll put it by the door, and then I'll come with you.” You can let her know exactly where you are in the process each time she asks, and this will help her learn patience. When you first start using this technique, keep it very short: “I'll finish writing the check and then I'll come up with you.” As they start to learn that you consistently come when you're done doing what you say you'll do, they can wait through more and more steps.

I also use this technique in conversation. If I'm talking to another person and a child tries to interrupt, I'll tell him, “I'm talking to Oma right now. When I finish with her I'll be ready to listen to you.” With a very young child, or a child who's new to my program, I'll just finish my sentence with Oma and then it will be the child's turn to speak. If they want me to help them with something, I will tell them, “I'll be able to help you when I'm done with my conversation. You'll know I'm done when I come into the play-room.” Again, I won't make a child wait too long. When I come, I'll acknowledge, “You waited so patiently, and now I'm here to help you!” It's really important to start small and work your way up, so that a child can rest in the knowledge that if you say you'll come help in a minute, you really will (they don't need to remind you again and again). If they're very impatient, and have to remind me again anyhow, I will acknowledge this, too: “You're having a hard time waiting, huh? What will you do while you wait? Why don't you play with the fire-truck until I come?” Or, “Would you like to sit on my lap while I'm finishing up here with Oma?” Then I'll wrap up my conversation with Oma, and say to the child, “Wow. You waited and waited, and now I'm finally ready.”

And finally, I use this technique when multiple children are attempting to talk to me at once. “First I'll listen to Ashley, then to to Sonya, and then Chloe.” I always try to make sure that I give each child the turn that I've told them they'll get, although they've often forgotten what they were trying to say by then. However, they're always happy to make up a new story when they've gotten my attention! When children feel confident that they'll get my attention when I say they will, they don't feel the need to talk over each other, and it's easier for them to learn to be patient.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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The Value of Saying "No"

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         One thing that dramatically affects how much we enjoy the company of a child is how they react when they ask for something and are told “no.” Being able to handle disappointment gracefully is a very advanced skill, and one that doesn't necessarily come easily or naturally. Nevertheless, having that skill is something that will really serve these little people as they go through life, and will make our enjoyment of them that much richer. So what can we do as parents and caregivers to help children develop this skill?

Avoiding "No"

          Children under two (or even 2 ½) have very little control over their emotions. So the best thing you can do is to avoid establishing negative patterns of tantrums, whining, etc. that will be hard to break when they're older. Ironically, one of the best ways to do this is to avoid saying “no” as much as possible. One of your biggest tools in this area will be to have a strong daily rhythm. When kids know exactly how things will go, they are much less likely to resist what's going on or want something different.

          Even with a strong rhythm in place, however, kids at this age want things all the time that they can't have. So how can you say “no” without saying “no”? At this age, the answer is re-direction. Something more easily said than done, right? Well, here's a re-direction technique that I use all the time. It takes some work, but it's worth it. The thing to do is to say “yes” in imagination, and then take them on an imaginary journey that ends somewhere else. Here's one example I used with a mom just the other day:

Your little boy wants a toy airplane that his older brother is playing with. He winds up to start throwing a fit. You say to him, “You really want that airplane. You want it RIGHT NOW! You LOVE airplanes, and you hate waiting!” Say it really emphatically, so that he knows you 'get it.' You might have to say it a few times. When he's paying attention to you, you can say, “If I had another airplane, I'd give it to you right now.” (you're saying yes in your imagination.) “If you had an airplane RIGHT NOW, what would you do with it?” He looks at you quizzically. You go on, “If you had that airplane RIGHT NOW, I bet you'd fly it all around the house. What room would you fly it into?” Pause for a moment to let him think about it, then go on, “I bet you'd fly it into the livingroom. Vrrroooommmm! You'd go around the coffee table, the around the couch. Then you'd fly it past the diningroom table! Vrrooommm!” Continue in this vein, taking him on an imaginary journey until you can tell he's really into it. Then change the direction slightly. “Then you'd fly it past the cat! Do you think she'd like that?” Pause and watch him, then answer: “No! Kitty doesn't like airplanes at all! If she saw you going by, she might run away and hide!” Then, “In fact, where is kitty? Do you think she's hiding in the livingroom right now? Let's go find her!”

Like I said, this technique takes some work, but the more you practice it, the better you get. If you can use this type of distraction and re-direction, you can limit how often you say “no” to your child. And by the way, with a little finesse, this technique can work with older kids as well. It's time to leave a play-date at the park and your four-year-old doesn't want to. “You want to stay here forever? OK!” (saying yes in imagination). “That would be funny! What would you eat for dinner? You could ask the squirrels if they would share their nuts with you! And where would you sleep?” Look around. “I know! You could sleep underneath the tire-swing. You could make a big pile of wood chips and burrow into it, just like a little mouse.” You get the picture.

Saying "No"

          By the time kids are approaching three, they've usually figured out what works to get you to change your mind when you say “no.” Maybe throwing tantrums has worked well for them. Maybe if they whine long enough you get tired and give in. Or, they'll explain and explain why you should change your mind, wearing you down until you do change your mind, or they end up in tears.  So how to establish good habits around reacting to being told "no"?

          I know I go against popular culture here, but I believe that children do not benefit from lengthy discussions of why they can't have what they want. A simple explanation is fine, but after that it simply draws out the bad feelings of being told “no,” and keeps them from moving on. And in practical terms, it greatly increases the amount of time the two of you spend disagreeing with one another. Helping your child to accept “no” gracefully, and move on, will benefit you both. So how do you do that? Well, if your child is used to lengthy explanations, it will take some time and effort to change that pattern.  Be patient and don't give up.

          Use Humor. When a child asks for something that they know they can't have, don't give them a long explanation about how they know they can't have cookies before dinner. Don't even be disapproving. From their perspective, it was worth a try, right? So simply laugh while you say no. “No.....Silly girl!” And give her a smooch.  You don't even have to remind her that she can have one cookie after dinner, just like always. She knows.

          Be Matter-of-Fact. Kids often take their emotional cues from us, so watch your tone.  When a child asks for a sugar cereal in the grocery store, a cheerful "Nope!" or “Not today,” is surprisingly effective, especially if you follow it up with a comment leading them in a different direction. You don't need to explain about how sugar cereals are bad for you, how they'll rot your teeth or give you a tummy ache. The less discussion you give it, the faster they can move on. Note: if you have traditionally changed your mind after pleading or nagging in the past, your child will take awhile to change his response. But if you practice, and are consistent that once you've said “not today” you don't change your mind, your child will learn to accept this without question unless it feels really important to him. I say “not today” at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and the children simply accept it and move on. It is part of our culture there.

          Be Empathetic. Sometimes I'll say “not today,” and a child will burst into tears. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and take them into my arms. “Wow, you really wanted to do that, huh?” I'll say. “You thought I'd say yes, but then I said no instead.” They'll nod tearfully. Now, at this point there's a huge urge to either 1) explain why they can't get what they want, 2) bargain with them/bribe them with replacement items, or 3) give in. Put all of those urges on hold, and simply give them some love, instead. “I love you sooo much.” Give a kiss on the top of the head, and start humming a song as you rock back and forth. Stay with them as long as they need, simply pouring in the love without trying to solve anything. They are learning to handle disappointment, and that's a big task! In a minute or two, they'll calm down. “Would you like to help me unload the dishwasher?” you might ask.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Patience

This is a response to a comment made in response to the blog entry on Whining, below. My response became so long, I decided to make it a separate etry.

Dear Kim,

Good for you for trying the new techniques! It takes a lot of effort to change habits, so don't give up that these new techniques don't come naturally; they will become easy with practice. And you're right-on that everything's easier when you've had enough sleep!

Here's an idea of what to do when your child asks you again and again for something. I like using this progession, because the conversation evolves and you don't just feel like a broken record. In this case, I'll use your example of the cookie she can't have till the next day. The first time she asks for it you tell her, “You can have the rest of the cookie tomorrow.” The second time, “You love cookies, don't you? Don't worry, you can have it tomorrow.” The third time, “Wow, you're really looking forward to having that cookie, aren't you? You can have it tomorrow.” The next time, “Hmm. When CAN you have it?” She answers, tomorrow. You respond enthusiastically. "That's right! You know the answer!" If she's disappointed, you can sympathize. “Yeah. It feels hard to wait, doesn't it?” The next time she asks, you have a question in reply, “Is it tomorrow yet?” She answers no. “It seems like a long time to wait till tomorrow, doesn't it? I know! Why don't we think of something to do while we wait. That will make the time fly by.” The two of you can brainstorm about activities you can do 'while you wait,' and then do one. After this, it turns into the skill of learning how to wait. The next day, when she finally gets the cookie, be sure to point out, “Look! You waited and waited, and now it's finally time.”

If your child has a long memory and is not easily distractable, then she will have to learn to wait. One thing that could help with this process is to tell a story about waiting. Don't tell it while you're telling her she has to wait; let it be completely separate. You can tell it many times, for example, every day at lunchtime or naptime for four or five days. If you're not comfortable telling your child long stories without reading, try making your own storybook, where you write or type it out and draw simple pictures to go along with it, then staple it together. Kids will love a book that's made by you! Here's a story about waiting that I just made up. It's appropriate for most kids ages 3 and older, but younger kids might need a more simple story:

Once upon a time there were two sisters, named Nan and Aga. These sisters lived with their mother in a little house, and loved one another very much. One summer, a carnival came to town! The sisters went together and they had a wonderful time, riding the rollercoasters, playing the games, and seeing the clowns. They came running home. “Mother, mother! Can we go again?” The sisters asked. “Yes,” said the mother, “you may go again next Saturday.” Nan was happy, but Aga began to wail and cry. “Next saturday!” She said, “That is so long from now! How will I wait?”
The next morning, the sisters woke up and the first thing they thought about was the carnival. Aga began to cry. “I don't want to wait! I want to go right now!” Nan replied, “I don't like waiting either. I'll find something to do to help the time go by.” She looked around, and decided that she would make a hat. She found some yarn, and some knitting needles, and before she knew it, it was time for bed.
The next morning, they woke up and Aga began to moan and cry. “I hate waiting! I want to go to the carnival today!” Nan replied, “I don't like waiting either. I'll find something to do to help the time go by.” She looked around, and decided to make a basket. She went to the willow tree and collected some soft branches, and took them home to weave together. Before she knew it, it was time for bed.
The next day came and it was just the same. Aga moaned and cried the entire day, while Nan decided to bake some bread.
Finally, Saturday morning came. Aga and Nan woke up and they were so excited! They could go to the carnival again! They got ready to go, and Nan made some sandwiches from the bread she had baked, and put them in the basket she had made. She put on the hat she had knitted, and they were ready to go. They went to the carnival together, and they both had a wonderful time. As they walked along, Aga thought to herself, “I'm glad to be at the carnival, but I wish I had made fun things while we were waiting, too.”
And from that day forward, whenever it felt hard to wait for something, she would say to Nan, “It feels so hard to wait. What should we to to help pass the time?” And the two girls lived happily till the end of their days.