Young Kids and Chores

Dear Miss Faith,

Can you talk a little bit more about responsibilities/expectations/chores for 2-3 year olds?  How do you go about incorporating young kids into household tasks, self-care, etc?  What can you reasonably expect at different ages?  When do you institute mandatory chores?

                                             -E.N.

Dear E.,

These are great questions!  As you know if you’ve read just about anything I’ve written, I’m a huge proponent of incorporating kids of all ages into household tasks.  First I’ll talk about why I think it’s so great to do, and then I’ll talk about age-appropriate expectations.

Why Household Tasks are Great for Kids

               The reason that I’m such a fan is threefold:  first, when you slow down a household activity enough to incorporate a toddler into it, doing that task together can be a wonderful way to connect with your child.  The two of you are doing it together.  Second, doing household tasks are a wonderful way for children to practice skills and gain competence in many different areas:  fine motor skills through folding wash-cloths; gross motor skills by putting dishes onto their shelf or sweeping the floor or washing the windows; sensory integration by washing the dishes or kneading dough.  And by inviting a child into a task that you do from beginning to end, you are teaching him how to go about tasks: about follow-through, about attitude.  Thirdly (and this is how doing household tasks together are different from doing arts-and-crafts projects), incorporating children into household tasks allows them to contribute to the household, and to help the person they love the most:  you!  That is really fulfilling for children.  Although doing tasks with young children takes MUCH longer than doing it by yourself, making space for your child to be able to contribute to tasks that really need to be done sets the stage for them to be able to contribute in ever-greater ways in the future.

What to Expect At Different Ages

               So, what are young kids capable of at different ages?  When should it go from being something that you lure them into, to something that is simply expected?  My experience is that adults tend to underestimate what one- and two-year-olds can do, and overestimate what three- and four-year-olds can do.  What do I mean by that?  Well, with the littler ones, we often simply don’t create the space or even have an idea of what a little one can do.  Their skills are growing so quickly at this age, that we often treat them as an infant when they are in fact capable of much more.  As young as 18 months, a young child can take her bowl from the table, scrape her food into a compost-tub, and put her bowl and spoon into a wash-tub.  I had a class of 8 one- and two-year olds, and they all did this after every meal!  When a child first came to me, I would stand behind him and help him reach out his hand to get his bowl.  Then I would point out the compost-tub, and walk over with him.  Kneeling behind him, I’d put my hands around his to grasp the spoon and scrape out the food.   Then I’d point out the wash-tub and he could put his bowl and spoon in by himself.   After five or six times of literal ‘hands-on’ help like this, most kids became quite competent!
          Now, don’t get the wrong idea:  some children require lots more than six times of ‘hands-on’ help, and all of the kids needed help sometimes, even those big almost-three-year-olds who had been doing it twice a day for almost two years.  The fact that we ALWAYS did it after EVERY meal was a help, and the fact that everyone else was doing it, helped the new children learn quickly.  We had a little song that we sang while we did it, which helped things go smoothly, and my assistant and I were always actively involved with the process.

               So what can most two-year-olds do, if we teach them how and help them do it every time?  They can help you make their bed.  They can brush their own teeth while you brush yours.  They can help set the table if we hand things to them and ask them to put them on the table.  They can wash their own hands, if we are right there to help/talk them through it:  push up their own sleeves, scrub with soap, rinse hands clean, turn off the water, and dry their hands on a towel.  They can drink from an open cup and only spill sometimes.  They can take their bowl from the table to the counter when they’re done.  They can help wash the table with a cloth before/after a meal.  They can help wash dishes if you don’t mind them getting wet.  They can go potty with help from you.  They can help fold laundry, put things away, unload the dishwasher, put forks, spoons and knives in the proper place in the silverware drawer as long as they can reach.  What two-year-olds generally CAN’T do:  many can take shoes or clothes off, but can’t yet put them on.  Most can’t follow multi-part directions, unless they’re very simple and sequential (“please pick up your sock and put it in the drawer” usually gets the sock picked up, but they may need a reminder of the second part: “and now put it in the drawer.  Thank you!”).

               Three- and four-year-olds are much more competent in terms of what they are able to do.  They are capable of doing many tasks, even fairly complex ones.  However, adults frequently overestimate what child children of these ages can do.  That’s because we assume that because a child is CAPABLE of doing something, they should be able to do it whenever we want them to.  And that’s simply not the case.  Just because your four-year-old is capable of putting on every item of clothing, doesn’t mean that you can simply ask him to get dressed and then go downstairs to fix breakfast while he does it.  Chances are you’ll go upstairs ten minutes later to find his clothes still lying on the bed, while he’s playing with his fire-truck.  In fact, even if you stay there with him and talk him through the process (“it’s time to get dressed and your clothes are on the bed.  Where’s your shirt?”), he may well only be able to actually dress himself sometimes.  Even though he’s CAPABLE of it, at this age he will only be ABLE to do it by himself sometimes.  Some days those clothes zip right on, and some days you are doing almost every piece.
          How competent children at this age are on a given day depends on how tired they are, how distracted they are, how distracted YOU are, and many other factors that we can only guess at.  The trick at this age is to be fully present with them as they do a task, stepping in to keep them on track as much or as little as is needed, without getting mad that yesterday they did it just fine, and today they don’t seem capable of doing anything.  That’s how things are at this age.  The smoother and more consistent your support, the more and more frequently he’ll be able to do it on his own.  If your support is inconsistent, so that he can go a long ways off-track before you direct him back to the task at hand, or your support is angry, or your support is rushed, then he will resist that "support," and he’ll want to do the things you ask of him less and less.

When to Implement “Chores”

               I am not a fan of “chores” for children under the age of seven.  In my mind, “chores” are things you have to do whether you feel like it or not, and there may be some sort of punishment if they don’t get done.  I don’t feel like this is appropriate for young children.  Remember, in having children help with household tasks, we are setting patterns and laying the groundwork for a lifetime of helping out around the house, of pitching in, of feeling proud that they are contributing.  In this vein, there are two important points to help set yourself up for success:  first, don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves, and second, don’t get into power struggles over tasks.

Don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves.  With young children, household tasks should always be done together.  Children want to be with us and connect with us; while they’re happy to forget about us when they are immersed in deep play, household tasks and self-care tasks are things that WE want them to do, and we want them done in a certain way.  Therefore, they must be done together.  Remember, children don’t have the skills yet to follow through on tasks consistently, even if they’re capable of doing each part.  We are teaching them how to do these tasks, and supporting them as they learn the skill of following-through, which won’t be fully developed till much later.

Don’t get into a power struggle.  Although I don’t have chores, I do have expectations about what children help with.  For example, when I set out to chop some veggies, I’ll bring my chopping board, knife and bowl to the table, along with some kid-chopping boards and table knives.  I’ll start chopping my veggies, singing a chopping-song.  Usually one or two or three children will come over and want to help, but if nobody does, that’s fine.  They can play while I chop.  Likewise with washing the table before a meal, or sweeping the floor.  I do these tasks slowly and mindfully, with room for children, and the children are welcome to help or not, as they choose.  Other tasks, such as tidying up, are done all together and I will gently steer a child who is not participating back into the activity by giving her a toy and asking her to put it in its place.  And finally there are some tasks, such as clearing your bowl from the table, are expected from each child at the end of every meal.

But what if a child refuses to take his bowl? What to do?  Do I MAKE him do it?  Or do I just not care?  My answer to that is that it depends on why they're saying no.  If a child is just saying “no” to try it out, I’ll say, “Oh, it looks like you need some help getting started,” and I’ll simply go over and help him pick up his bowl, then face him in the right direction.  Just getting them in motion (through my own motions, NOT with words) is often enough to get him back on track.  On the other hand, maybe he’s saying “no” to test boundaries.  For example, perhaps you and your son set the table together every day, but one day your 3 ½ -year-old stands there defiantly and says, “No!” And then looks at you to see how you’ll respond.  What do you do?
In general, the best way to meet defiance in young kids is to transform their emotion through humor or imagination, and then continue on with the task being defied, without talking about it.  So here's a response that comes immediately to my mind, if I were in the situation described above.  I'd look at that little boy with utter amazement.  “What????  Did you say No?????  Wait!  Say it again and see what happens!”  Then he says “No,” but not nearly as defiantly.  He’s curious.  I take a big breath and raise my arms up high above my head, then say, “Whooooossshhhhh!” and swoop him up and onto the couch.  Then I tickle him and kiss him until he’s limp with laughter. (I've transformed the emotion away from defiance.)  I sit up and make smiling eye contact with him, then take him by the hand to help him up off the couch.  Still holding his hand we walk into the kitchen together.  “Now, where are the plates?” I say.  (I go back to the task, without talking about it.)  Usually a child is happy to get back on track at this point.  But if he’s not, he might say say “No, I don’t want to set the table.”
At this point the most important thing is not to get into a power struggle.  The reason for this is that power struggles do little except give your child practice at saying no, and not doing what you say.  Even if you make them do it, it’s not setting them up to want to do it again the NEXT time you ask; power struggles tend to beget more power struggles.  So at this point, I’d look the child in the face, and try to get a sense of what’s going on.  Depending on what I see, I might try to connect emotionally with him, in an imaginative way:  I’ll make a sad face, and say, “I’ll be so lonely if I have to set the table all by myself.  Boo hoo hooo!  Boo hoo hooo!” and I’ll pretend to cry, looking through my fingers to see his response.  But another time, I might look and see only obstinacy.  In this case, instead of trying to play further, I’ll simply say, “I can see that you’re not ready to help me set the table today.  That’s OK.  Why don’t you sit on the couch and look at a book while I do it.  I bet you’ll be ready to help me again tomorrow.”  I’ll go and I’ll set the table by myself.  And the next day, chances are pretty good that I’ll have my helper back.
This is the part that strikes many parents as strange.  Am I not simply 'giving in?' Have I not just lost my authority?  Am I not setting things up for them to be irresponsible for life?  But I would answer, no.  This technique, of verbally creating an image of your child being cooperative the next time, is a powerful tool.  Children will live up (or down) to our expectations most of the time.  Often times, when we are trying to force a child to do something, we think we are stating expectations for them to do it.  What our actions and attitude are ACTUALLY saying, however, is that we expect them NOT to do it, which is why we have to force them.  So, by listening to their desires and letting them off this one day, but saying, "I bet you'll be ready to help again tomorrow," this creates a powerful image that children can live up to.
However, just creating the image is not enough.  If a child is refusing to help and can't be jollied into it, there's something else that must also be done the next time that task comes up.  It's to go back to why doing household tasks together is useful:  if your child is not inspired to contribute, and is not inspired to do it to build competency, then you must go back to the foundation: connecting.  When the next day comes, take whatever your child didn't want to do the day before, and make it as enjoyable, as fun, as connecting as you can.  When the connecting part is in place, the other pieces will fall back into place, too.

Warmly,

Miss Faith 

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Daily Rhythm

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          Having a strong rhythm to your day helps your day go more smoothly and more enjoyably for you and for your kids.  Every teacher and daycare provider knows this, because if they don't have a strong rhythm, everything turns into mayhem!  But for parents, it can be much harder to see the benefits of the work it takes to establish a rhythm.  Many parents kind of limp along, not enjoying their days but making it through.  I had one family with a 3 1/2 year old boy, and the parents complained about how strong-willed and stubborn he was. When I tried to suggest  that rhythm would make their lives easier, they only saw it as limiting and constraining.  As a result, they spent a lot of time 'convincing' their son that it was time to do this or that.  Then they visited a brother and sister-in-law with three children, and a strong routine.  Their son fell into this other family's rhythm without a peep.  Suddenly he went from being contentious at every turn, to being easygoing and go-with-the-flow.  They could hardly believe it! They came back from vacation raving about their experience, and determined to set up rhythms in their own home.  But how does one go about getting started on something like that?

Anchor Points

          If you're just working to create rhythm, start with your 'anchor points.'  The anchor points of rhythm are sleeping and eating.  Be aware that these are the anchors of your day, and do your best to have them be as regular as possible.  For example, it can be tempting to push naptime back if your child doesn't seem sleepy and you could just swing by the post-office on the way home from the grocery store...but try to resist the impulse.  The more regular you are with naptimes and bedtimes, the more your child's rhythms will 'set' to those times, and the easier it will be to get him down.  Same with meals!  Another anchor point in your day should be going outside together, to play in the yard, take a walk, or go to the park.  Morning is the best time
for this, as kids have lots of big energy in the morning.  So try and make going outside every morning part of your routine. If you have a high-energy kid, go outside in the afternoon as well.  
          Next, think about the beginning and end of each anchor point.  The more you can set up little rituals (doing things the same way each time), the stronger your rhythm will be.  So for instance, you might take five minutes whenever he wakes up to sit with him in a cozy spot and snuggle with him and brush his hair, then go straight to the table for a snack.  If he's not hungry right upon waking, you could get dressed first.  Some kids do best eating right away or they get grumpy, some kids wake up more slowly.  But whatever you do, do it as regularly as possible.
          Third, incorporate songs and nursery rhymes into your rhythm. Children love knowing how things go, and having a certain song that's associated with a certain activity can let your child know exactly
where things are at.  You don't have to have a great singing voice; they will love it no matter what!  So, give it some thought.  You might say rhythmically, "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross to see what dear Alex will buy...A penny white bun and a penny white cake, and a two-penny apple pie" whenever it's time to go to the table for meal or a snack.  You might say, "Shoe a little horse!  Shoe a little mare!  But little Stephie's feet go bare-bare-bare!  No...(shake your head)...where ARE your shoes?" every time it's time to get shoes on.  You might make up a little song for getting dressed in the morning, to the tune of "The Farmer In the Dell:"  "One arm in the hole, the other arm in the hole, then your head goes in the hole and now you have your shirt!"  Then pants, then socks, etc.  Make up your own words to any tune you know, but sing them the same every time you do it, and your children will feel secure that they know how things go.  One great resource for songs and rhymes like these is the book/cd combo "Sing A Song With Baby," available here.


One Sample Day
So, if you just start with those pieces, you're well on your way to having a solid rhythm going.  Eventually, your day might look something like this: 
You hear him stirring, and you walk into his room, singing softly: "good morning, good morning, good morning dear Alex."  You pick him up and say, "Hi, sleepy-head!  Did you have a good sleep?"  Take him
downstairs and pick up his brush, then sit in your special chair and brush his hair.  After a few minutes, take him to the kitchen, saying "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross...." and put him in his chair, getting him some
breakfast.  After breakfast, get dressed together, then come downstairs and get shoes and jacket on and go straight outside for at least half an hour, but preferably more like an hour.  If you have a high-energy kid, go on a 15-20 minute walk around your neighborhood, having your child run from one 'station' to the next:  "OK, the next station will be the fire hydrant.  Ready, Steady, Go!!!!"  Then he has to stay touching the fire hydrant until you arrive, and tell him the next one.  After outdoor play, have a little snack (outside if the weather is nice) and get into the car and run whatever errands you have that day.  Come back home and eat a hearty lunch, then do some quiet housework together, washing the breakfast and lunch dishes, folding the laundry, etc. until it's time for nap.  During naptime either nap with him, or make your phone calls and do your computer work, as these are things that it's hard for kids to tolerate much of.  After nap you brush his hair and give him a snack, then let him play while you're doing your own things that you can stop-and-start (paying bills, checking email, etc.).  You check in and out with him as he needs, being able to put down whatever you're doing for a few minutes to play peekaboo one time, read a story another time, always being available, but always being drawn back to your tasks.  When you can tell he needs more than just a minute or two of interaction, put aside your work and spend 15-30 minutes doing some sort of activity with him: coloring, baking, going outside again if the weather is nice.  Come back in and have another snack if needed, then start getting the dinnertime meal ready, talking to him and interacting with him as you do, giving him
nibbles of things, or just letting him play on his own if he wishes. Dad comes home, spends a little time unwinding, and the three of you eat dinner together.  After dinner you and baby, or dad and baby, head upstairs for a bath, then put on pajamas, brush teeth, and dad comes up to read a story and tuck him in.   Sleep tight! 


Extra Tips
          Think about the non-kid-activities you have during the day, and how to weave them in most successfully.  Try running errands in the morning when he has lots of energy, but after outside play so he's already gotten to run alot.  Make your phone calls while he's sleeping, because it's hard for kids to have attention away from them for so long.  Do your desk-work in the afternoons while he's happy to play
quietly while you're around, and can pay him attention as needed. Afternoons are also a nice time for household chores, if you can save your desk-work for after he's in bed.  If you do the same sorts of
tasks in the same parts of the day, your son will start knowing that that's how it goes, and everything can go that much more smoothly. Now, it might be that your son doesn't do well running errands in the morning, because he needs to be more physically active then.  Maybe he does better in the afternoons.  But maybe he doesn't do so well in the afternoons, because he needs quiet space and to not feel rushed.  You
will have to figure out what is best for you and your kids.  Enjoy!


Warmly,
Miss Faith 

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Smooth & Easy Transitions

          Usually we think of transitions as something that must be done in order to get to something else, but very young children don’t think this way and can’t think this way.  Young children live in the moment.  So in order to have transitions go smoothly and enjoyably, change your view so that each transition is an activity in its own right, with a beginning, a middle and an end.  Think of it as a structured activity like circle-time.  It doesn’t happen in a ring, but it’s a series of actions to be done together, with song and verse.  It should be just as structured and just as enjoyable for the kids.

              Here are the steps that I use to make a transition go smoothly:
             1. Get everything you need ready before you start, so that children can be in motion the entire time (no waiting).  So this means, get handwashing stuff ready before you start tidying up to come to a meal.  In fact, we get our end-of-meal handwashing ready before we even start cleaning up from free-play, so that it’s a smooth transition from play to eating to cleaning up from a meal.  Think ahead!

             2.      Use songs during transitions.  This makes a HUGE difference!  Songs are really useful because they let a child know what's coming, without all the talking.   You don't have to be a great singer for these, just use songs you remember from your childhood, or take the tunes of songs you know and add simple words.  To the tune of "Twinkle twinkle little star" you could sing, "Find your shoes and put them on, find your shoes and put them on."  You may use several songs, one for the start of the transition, and one for the end. It's useful to use the same song each time for the same task, so that kids really get the hang of what happens when a certain song is sung.

                 3. Give individual tasks.  Giving tasks that children can accomplish is important.  First of all it keeps children engaged in what's going on.  For instance, giving them something to carry out to the car when you’re going somewhere makes it much more likely that they'll walk straight to the car, instead of getting distracted on the way.  But even more important, it allows the child to contribute to the process.  It goes more smoothly because he’s helping you.  You’re doing it together.

             4.  Keep things moving.  Start the process with some sort of fun thing that gets your child moving (a little game, or putting something in its place), then keep them moving smoothly then entire time.  So, start with tidying up, but then move seamlessly into getting ready to go outside.  Don't stop and talk about it, just do it.  Children will be swept up in the movement of it and will most likely follow your lead.  Children do best when they're in motion, so think of the entire transition process as a dance where you walz from one thing to the next.  If you do things in this way, once you get a child to stop his play, you can tidy up, get a fresh diaper, change the laundry, and get out the door.  If you have each step prepared, involve him in each step (give him individual tasks), use song and verse, and keep things moving, it will probably go well.  Better than breaking him away from his play four separate times, by far!


An Example

              So, using all of these tricks, getting yourself and your toddler out the door in the morning might look like this:  While he’s eating breakfast, you get everything you’ll need to take with you and put it by the door.  You also put his hat and his jacket on a little changing chair.  When you see that he’s about done with breakfast you sing out, “Last little nibbles!”  Before you get him out of his high chair, you get a warm washcloth and sing, “Wipe wipe wipe!  Wipe your face.  Wipe wipe wipe! Wipe your hand.  Wipe wipe wipe! You are clean.”  Then you lift him down, and give him his bowl to take to the kitchen.  You lift him up so he can set it on the counter, then immediately let him know it’s time to go get shoes on by saying, “Cockadoodle doo, my dame has lost her shoe!  My master’s lost his fiddle-stick and knows not what to do!  Where are YOUR shoes?”  As he runs over to them (or as you carry him over, if he’s not cooperating), you repeat the nursery rhyme at least two more times as he sits down in the changing chair.  He knows how things go, so he immediately starts trying to put his hat on.  I usually do hat first, then shoes, then jacket last (if it’s wintertime, hat first, then snowpants, then boots, then mittens, then jacket.  If you put mittens on first, they’re nicely tucked into the jacket sleeves).  Then get your own shoes and jacket on, and pick up your bags.  Take out one thing and say, “We’re ready to go!  I’ll carry the diaper bag.  Will you carry this for me please?” and then you walk out together.  As you’re walking from the house to the door, you have another song that you sing: this one a railroad song.  “I’ve been working on the railroad, all the livelong day…”  This is a long song, and it lasts the entire time as you get him into his car-seat.

                   If you have everything ready to go before you start, if you keep moving from one activity to the next (finishing breakfast to putting on shoes to walking out the door), if you use song and verse as you go, and you give individual tasks, then you can have a smooth and easy transition.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Practical Tips on "Life"

 So what can we do, as parents and caregivers, to ensure that these household tasks foster connection, foster competence, and foster the children's ability to contribute? What can we do to help tasks go smoothly, so that we don't feel frazzled as we try to incorporate children into the neverending tasks of housework? It turns out there are lots of things we can do:

1. Slow Down! Take your time with each task. Make each task an activity that's worthwhile for its own sake, taking special care with the daily tasks. Approach each one with respect and enjoyment. When you rush, children tend to steer clear and try to stay out of your way, or they try to pull your attention away from your task and onto them, to get you to stop rushing. When you slow down and take your time, you have enough attention for the task and the child at the same time, and children will want to join in with you.
2. Develop a rhythm. By rhythm, I mean to do things in the same way, at the same time, as often as you can. I fold laundry each day during free-play time. It gives me something to do so that I can be present and watch children play without being directly involved unless I'm needed. And I love to brush the children's hair after naptime. What a lovely way to bond with each child as we engage in bodily care.  Children are used to me doing these tasks at these times; it's an accepted part of our lives together.
   The other piece of rhythm is that when we do things the same way each time, children can learn that skill. Children learn through imitation. If you have any doubts on this score, read this article from Science Daily, titled “Humans Appear to Be Hardwired to Learn By 'Over-Imitation.'” What it shows is that children do things the way we do them. Even if we tell them to do it differently, they will still do things the way we do them. So think carefully about HOW you're doing things, the attitude that you bring to each activity. This attitude is picked up by the children as well.
3. Use songs. Songs are a great way to connect with children, and they are also a great way to help kids track where in the process you are. I have a song for washing the table, for sweeping the floor, for folding the laundry. I also use songs for repetitive tasks like passing things out to each child, or if we're taking turns stirring the bowl, etc., each child gets to stir for the duration of a short song.  In addition, I'll also hum while I am doing a task by myself. I find that when I hum I slow down myself, and the children all around me settle down. I think when they hear me humming, they feel like I'm right there with them, even if I'm not looking at them or interacting with them. It allows my presence to fill the room and children can rest secure that I'm there with them and not distracted by other things.  You don't have to be a "good" singer for this to feel fulfilling for children.
4. Set yourself up for success. By this I mean, figure out how kids can be involved, and be prepared. Most of the tasks I do while the children are playing, and children can join me or not, as they choose (although if a child is having trouble being gentle with others, we'll find some good work for those hands to do and they stay by my side until they are ready to try being gentle again). But when I go to wash a table, I'll bring two extra washcloths with me, and as I start to sing my table-washing song, children might come over and ask to help, and I have a cloth right there. Other tasks I know will be very popular, such as baking, so I gather all of the materials together before we get started, so that things can go smoothly. Another thing that helps things go smoothly, especially if you're alone, is to have an easy exit. If you and another child are washing dishes together but a tussle breaks out in the play-room, I'll lift the child down from the sink, pull the chair away, and ask them to sit on the chair until I get back.
5. Appreciate effort over results. Young children are process-oriented, not results-oriented. While washing dishes, a two-and-a-half year old will often happily wash the same spoon the entire time you're washing dishes. When we appreciate their effort and acknowledge their desire to contribute, then the activity feels fulfilling for the young child.  Be sincere and genuine with your praise, and don't over-do it. An appreciative smile with eye contact during the act, and a “Thank you for your help” when they run off to play, can be quite enough.  The results will come over time.  
          Appreciating effort over results doesn't mean just letting them do whatever they want, however they want. They are learning these tasks at your side. So if your two-year-old wants to throw the laundry around instead of folding it, you can show him how to help you smooth each piece as you fold it. Only fold a little bit of laundry at a time, so that you can finish each bit together, then put them out of the way so the task won't be undone. With practice, he'll get the hang of it, and so will you!   

Joyful Toddlers has moved!  Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Life As the Curriculum

This is an excerpt from a piece I wrote for my teleclass, Joyful Days with Toddlers!  The Sunday class is completely full, but there are still two slots in the Tuesday class if you're interested.  It starts this Tuesday, March 1st 2011, and calls are from 6:30-7:45pm Mountain Time.  Please email me if you'd like one of those two spots at faithrainbow@yahoo.com

 People often think they have to have a “curriculum” to be teaching the children things, or they feel guilty because they don't have a formal curriculum. Curriculum subjects I've seen have ranged from numbers, colors and letters, to subjects such as germs or pirates.  However, it seems to me that 'teaching' things like colors is silly, because they'll learn it anyhow, and subjects like germs and pirates don't relate to their lives at all.

What I am here to suggest is that young children really learn all they “should” be learning through their own play and through watching and participating in the daily tasks that go into running a household. Gross motor skills come from putting things on a shelf or rolling dough with a rolling pin; fine motor skills come from decorating bread with raisins or folding a washcloth. Sorting skills are developed unloading the silverware from the dishwasher, or sorting laundry. Vocabulary skills, taking directions, and working cooperatively are all developed listening to you as you help them master these skills.

However, I would even go a step further and suggest that using our daily tasks as the curriculum is MORE effective for teaching skills and ideas than designing a bunch of activities and games around a theme. There are several reasons for this.

Why Daily Tasks are Fulfilling to Children

I very firmly believe that everyone in this world wants to feel connected, to feel that they are competent, that they are contributing. When I think about my own life, all of the parts that feel the best revolve around me feeling connected, or feeling competent, or feeling like I'm contributing. In fact, that's why I love working in early childhood, because I get to do all three of those things simultaneously.

Think about your own life for a moment: what have been the highlights? What times have you felt the most alive, the most vibrant? And think about it through this lens I've given you. Were you feeling connected, competent, or like you were contributing, during those times? If not those things, what were you feeling that made them especially great?

Now think about the young children in your life. We all know how important it is for children to be connected: lots of research has been done on the importance of attachment. And children spend enormous amounts of time practicing being competent. As they learn to walk, they fall over and get up again and again and again. As soon as they learn to talk, the phrase “me do dat” is often the most common to come out of their mouths. We often don't let them try things for themselves as long as they'd wish, because we're in a hurry, or we can see that they won't be successful, but most of us understand and value their striving for competence. But how about the desire to contribute? That is not something that most of us think about in relation to young children, even though we can see how their faces light up when they are able to do so. Read this article from the science section of the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/science/01human.html?_r=1 ). Studies are showing that children may be born with an innate desire to help.

As parents and caretakers in our culture, it's easy for us to recognize the desire for connection, and we work very hard to develop it. In fact, we often work so hard at developing the connection piece of things that we sometimes unconsciously cut off our children's abilities to be competent and to contribute: we love them so much that we want to do everything for them. Our own desires to be competent and to contribute to them leave no room for them to be able to contribute in a meaningful way.

By consciously setting Life as the platform for children children to learn skills and ideas, we are giving them the chance to develop true competence, as we do these tasks day after day after day. As their skills develop, they know that they are really contributing to the household. And your gratitude for their help (especially as they get better at it!) helps you connect.

My article goes on to look at how we can do this effectively, with practical tips and suggestions.  During the conference call I will show video footage of children helping me with laundry, washing dishes, brushing hair, and baking bread.

Joyful Toddlers has moved!  Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Making Your Own Rituals

You may have noticed that the children in your life love having things done exactly the same way every time. There is a good reason for this: when we do things the same way each time, it lets children develop competence. They are able to anticipate what will happen next, they know exactly how things go, and eventually they will be able to do it themselves. Children get a great deal of satisfaction in having things done the same way each time. As adults, this can sometimes drive us crazy, either because we're in a rush, or simply because we get bored of doing the same things over and over again. However, there is a way to do things the same way each time that feels fulfilling to both child and adult: to take our routines and transform them into rituals.

What is ritual? There are six definitions in my dictionary. One is, “Any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner.” If we use this definition, we engage in many, many rituals each day, whether we think of them that way or not. However, the term ritual often has connotations of ceremony, sometimes in connection with religious or spiritual practice. The set of actions is imbued with emotion or meaning. Think about the rituals that you remember as a child. Many people have fond memories of holiday rituals. Whether you are religious or not, holiday rituals often hold a special place because adults do their best to imbue them with specialness, with love and beauty.

When we take our day-to-day routines and imbue them with love and beauty, we transform the experience, and with it we transform our children's experience of the world. An easy place to start is eating and sleeping. How can you add some love and beauty into these routines? It can be simple, such as saying a grace or lighting a candle before a meal, or saying a certain nursery rhyme as you wipe their faces after meals. As you start to get inspired, your rituals can become more complex. For example, if you like to keep fresh-cut flowers in your dining room (which I highly recommend!), then you might have a little bud vase that stays by your child's bed. The bedtime routine could start with the child choosing one flower from the dining room arrangement, and taking it upstairs to put in his bud vase. He brushes teeth with you and gets pajamas on, then climbs into bed and you bring the vase over for him admire and smell the flower one last time before turning out the lights, and you sing softly while he falls asleep. Later, before you go to bed yourself, take the bud vase downstairs and set up a breakfast spot for your child: beautiful place-mat, bowl, cup, bib, and the bud vase with the flower, to wait for your child's awakening. After your child has eaten breakfast, you or he can put the flower back in the dining room flower arrangement, and you put the bud vase by his bed again, to wait for evening.

Incorporating these little pieces of beauty into your day can change things from being ho-hum to being a bit magical. My only word of warning is not to add too much too fast, and not to add so much that you get bogged down going through all of the steps every day. Remember, simpler is often better (notice that there was no story-reading in the bedtime ritual described above; the flower took its place). Try adding one thing at a time, and let everyone get used to it before you add the next piece. So you might start adding beauty to your meals first by getting fresh flowers for the table or sideboard. Then by getting nice place-mats. Then a candle to light at the meal. Thinking about how to add beauty and love to each portion of your day can help keep you inspired in your parenting and home-making.

You can also have rituals which only happen periodically. I knew one lovely woman who would pick up her young grandson from kindergarten every Friday and they would take the city bus to the library, choose one book, and bring it home. That one book would be read every time she saw him (she was a secondary caregiver) until the next Friday. To me, taking the city bus with a five-year-old sounds like torture, but she explained how taking the bus was an integral part of their experience together, and they both looked forward to it all week. So it's not so much WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it, and the life you breathe into it. Other periodic rituals can happen inside the home, such as baking bread or making cornmeal muffins on the same day each week, or having certain toys that only come out on rainy days, or singing the same song each time you go to a certain place (My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean each time you go to the lake, or Over the River and Through the Woods each time you go to Grandma's house, etc.). Giving these activities the regularity and the same-ness that you might not otherwise consider doing can turn them into rituals, and may be the ones that your children remember fondly when they have grown up.

New Experiences

Anyone who has spent any time around a toddler knows that young children love repetition. Children love hearing the same stories over and over, love playing the same games with you over and over, love hearing the same songs. The word “again!” is one of the first words a young child learns. With experiences, when things are done the same way each time, the child can relax into the rhythm of it. If each evening you you do things the same way, your child will anticipate each step as it comes. After tooth-brushing is done, she will be heading right to the bookcase to choose a book. After the lights went out, my mother used to light a candle near our bed, sing a lullaby, blow out the candle and sit quietly next to the bed as I drifted off. I can clearly remember this routine being relaxing and reassuring to me.

Why do children love and need routine so much? Here's an analogy that I think is apt: once I was invited by a Muslim friend to go to the mosque with her for the celebration of Eid, the end of Ramadan. I eagerly said yes, curious to see what it would be like. Once we got there, however, I was quite nervous. I wasn't used to wearing the head-scarf she had lent me. I didn't know what was going to happen, and what would be expected of me. Should I stand with them while they prayed, or should I watch? If I watched, where should I sit? There were no chairs. I had heard that in some cultures, showing the soles of your feet was rude. Was this one of them? I didn't know. I followed my friend around closely. She introduced me to the women in her community, some of whom kissed me on the cheeks, and some of whom touched their hearts and murmured phrases that I assumed meant “nice to meet you.” She showed me where I could sit during the prayers, which were all in Arabic and involved lots of movements and everyone did at the same time. I was glad to be watching. After, we socialized and ate strange and delicious foods, then went home. The whole thing lasted perhaps two hours, and I was exhausted.

I loved that glimpse into another culture, but I was glad to get home in the end, where I knew exactly where everything was, how things went, what was likely to happen, and how. Most of my daily interactions are just a small step out from being at home, because I've done them all hundreds of times. Toddlers, however, haven't done anything outside the home hundreds of times. I believe that the whole world outside the home is like that visit to the mosque, for these little people in our lives. They don't know how things go or what's appropriate. They don't have the skills to converse easily with others or do what others are doing. Even though they have someone who knows what's going on to show them around, it's still exhausting, like that visit was for me. If we can remember that, and limit the amount of exposure our children have to new experiences, then new experiences can be exciting, something to be anticipated beforehand, relished at the time, and talked about afterward.