hitting smaller children

Hi Miss Faith,

First, congratulations. I hope you and your partner had a great honeymoon. I didn't change my last name until I was 3 years into marriage (I didn't think I ever was going to change it, but had a change of heart).

               In any case, we're having challenges with my 2 1/2 year old being physically aggressive with her peers. Sometimes it's 'out of nowhere' which makes it all the more baffling. In other words, I understand more when she grabs, pushes, pinches, etc. to get something, but am worried about where it's coming from (even when the cause is evident). She doesn't do this with older children (even slightly older). She is very verbal (and did this before she was verbal - I saw your post about that) and has always been on the higher energy side. She didn't do any of it this summer (despite ample opportunity) but now has started up again, even pushing babies down, etc.! Any tips or insight is appreciated!

                                                                       -Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

              While most toddlers love 'babies,' I have had several children who were naturally aggressive to children who were smaller than they were, and their moms (and I) had to work extra hard with those children as they learned impulse control.  My heart goes out to you!  Don’t worry too much about “where this is coming from.”  She is not destined to grow up to be a bully, and nor is it necessarily a commentary on your parenting.  I firmly believe that some children come into the world timid, and some come in with guns blazing; it’s our role as parents and caregivers to help all of them learn behavior skills that will serve them well as they interact with others.  That being said, it’s worth asking the basic questions:  Does she have a regular routine and consistent boundaries so that she knows what is coming up next and what’s expected?  Does she have a nurturing home environment (you aren’t remodeling your house, are you?) and get lots of loving attention from you (no new baby in the family)?  If these things aren’t as strong as they could be, then do put some attention into them.  

               My main long-term suggestion is to help your little girl develop the virtue of Empathy.  2 ½ is a great age to start working on this, as it’s the age when children first start to really be able to live in to someone else’s experiences.  Here are a few ways you can help her as she begins this process:

Start Noticing Others

               Start noticing out loud how other children are expressing their feelings, and start a conversation with your daughter about what they might want/need.  I find it’s more useful for kids if I describe their feelings through actions, rather than simply labeling “he’s sad” or “he’s angry.”  So, in the grocery store you might say, “Look, that little boy is so loud!  He threw that box of cereal!  What do you think he wishes?  Maybe he wishes that they were done shopping.”  Then imagine what could help:  “I bet he could really use some hugs and kisses from his mom right now.”  This type of noticing can help your daughter start feeling empathy.  With children that your daughter knows, you might make some suggestions about how you two might help.  Say you see a little boy crying at drop-off time at their play-group or the gym childcare.  “Look, Liam is crying.  He’s pulling on his mom.  I bet he wishes his mom could stay.”  Then, make a suggestion of how you two might help:  “Do you think he might like it if we gave him a toy?  What kind of toys does Liam like?”  Then the two of you could help find a toy together, and offer it to Liam.   If Liam takes the toy and likes it, you can celebrate your success with your daughter with a joyful smile.  If he doesn’t want it, you might say, “We wanted to help Liam be happy by giving him a toy, but he wasn’t ready to be happy yet.  Maybe we can play with him later.”  The next step is to help her relate his experience with her own (but don’t be too heavy with this):  “Are you sometimes sad when I leave you with the babysitter?”

Help Your Daughter Notice How Others React to Her

               Also start noticing out loud how children are responding to your daughter’s interactions with them, and you can even speak for those children if they’re not very verbal yet.  If your daughter is approaching someone smaller who she has hurt in the past, watch how they react:  “Oh, Tina’s turning away.  She’s saying, ‘please touch me gently.’”  If she does touch Tina gently, you might say, “Look!  She’s smiling!  She likes how you’re touching her!”  If she touches Tina and Tina flinches and pulls away, you could say, “Tina’s saying, ‘please stop.’  I don’t think she wants even gentle touches today.  Maybe you could try finding a toy for her, instead.” I use this type of noticing at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and it’s quite effective in helping children learn to notice the effects of their actions.  Also, when I ‘speak’ for the smaller child in this way, when that child starts to talk, he or she will often use the words that I’ve been using for all that time, instead of simply shrieking (an added bonus!).

A Special Doll

          Dolls can play a real and vital role for children as they process what they’ve experienced, and experience new roles in fantasy.  I can often tell what’s going on at home by how children interact with our dolls:  a girl with a colicky baby at home paced the playroom with the baby doll for a full 20 minutes, shushing her lovingly.  Another little girl gave the doll many Time Outs. Get a special baby doll for your daughter, and make this baby really come alive.  Introduce her with a special name, and hold her like you’d hold a real baby.  Teach your daughter how to hold her, how to care for her.  Treat her as much like a real baby as you can.  Attribute feelings to her.  If you see her on the floor, say “Oh no!  Baby Rosie has fallen down!  She’s crying!”  Run over and scoop Baby Rosie off the floor, saying, “Don’t cry!  I’ll give you hugs and kisses!”  Pat her like you would a real baby, then pass her over to your daughter, saying, “I think she’d like some hugs from you, too.”  Make putting Baby Rosie to bed part of your daughter’s bedtime ritual, where she can tuck her in and give her a kiss.

               Books or stories that you make up can also be very useful.  I often make up ‘teaching stories’ for children about woodland creatures who are experiencing what the children are going through.  So in this case, since we’re working on empathy, it might be a little boy chipmunk who had a friend who was rough with him, and while he wanted to see his friend, he was scared he’d get hurt, and he stopped wanting his friend to come over anymore.  I NEVER compare the story out loud to what’s happening in real life; the children simply soak it in.

Set Her Up for Success

               Helping your daughter start to develop her sense of empathy is a longer-term solution to your problem.  By the time she’s three I bet you’ll see a marked improvement, and by 3 ½ it should hopefully be gone (although it may come back in times of stress).  In the meantime, do your best to put your daughter in situations where she can thrive and develop healthy patterns.  Limit her interactions with smaller children as much as is practical for the next few months.  Make a conscious effort to arrange play-dates with children who are slightly older than her for the next few months (2 ½ year-olds often LOVE four-year-olds).  If you’re going to be with a family who has a littler child she has hurt in the past, perhaps bring your daughter’s new doll along with you, for her to nurture.  And stay right on top of her as she interacts with any child who is littler than she is, helping her see if they’re liking what she’s doing.

          Another piece of setting her up for success is to step things up a notch.  I've noticed that many children at two-and-a-half suddenly need More than they were getting before:  more structured activities (trips to the zoo or the creek, crafts, baking), more exercise (races, climbing, jumping), more expectations of helping, and more appreciation for showing the skills she's developed when she does help.  If they don't get this More that they crave, they have trouble.  And hang in there!  You’ve got a strong-willed little girl on your hands, but an empathetic, respectful, strong-willed girl will be a pleasure to be around for the rest of her life.  So help her develop these virtues.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Foster Patience

 Our enjoyment of the children in our lives increases dramatically when we teach them how to be patient. Picture two sets of mothers talking together. One has a child who wants his mom to push him on the swing. She tells him that she's busy talking, and he whines and pulls on her for five minutes until she finally gives in. With the other set of mothers, a little boy wants his mom to play on the teeter-totter with him. She says, “I'm talking to Mary right now; I'll come over in a few minutes.” He waits patiently until she is done, or goes off to play with something else, checking back periodically to see when she'll be ready. Who wouldn't want their child to be more like that second little boy! Many people seem to think that patient children just naturally “come” that way, but in reality, patience is a skill that we can help children learn.

So how do we foster patience in the children we care for? Patience is really about children being able to regulate themselves, and there are several things we can do to help them learn.

Use Ritual

When I first started working with groups toddlers, it seemed like mealtimes were especially hard. No matter how quickly I tried to get everyone seated and get the food out, it seemed like it was never fast enough. They just couldn't wait, and it seemed to end with a melt-down as often as not. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized that since I couldn't do it any faster, I needed to change my whole approach. And what I did was to slow down, and infuse the beginnings of meals with ritual. I used song and verse, and I did things in the exact same way each time. I washed children's hands in the same order. I stopped between tasks and played finger-games with the group. And suddenly, even though the mealtime transition now took at least three times as long as it had before, the children were able to sit quietly and patiently through the whole thing. It was amazing! Ritual helps children to self-regulate (which leads to learning patience) by letting them know exactly where they are in the process.

Tell Them When

Another thing you can do to help children learn patience is to tell them exactly when they will be able to get what they want. Young children's concept of time is linear, so to tell them “exactly when” is to tell them what will happen between now and then. If a child wants you to help her undress a baby-doll while you're washing the dishes, you might say, “First I'll finish washing this pot, then I'll rinse it, and wipe my hands, and then I will help you with your doll.” If they want you to go upstairs with them but you're busy paying bills, you might say, “I'm going to finish writing this check, then I'll put it in the envelope, put a stamp and address on it, and put it by the door. Then I will come upstairs with you.” If, after a moment, she comes back and asks you again, you can say, “I'm done writing the check, and I've put it in the envelope. Now I'm putting the stamp and address on it, then I'll put it by the door, and then I'll come with you.” You can let her know exactly where you are in the process each time she asks, and this will help her learn patience. When you first start using this technique, keep it very short: “I'll finish writing the check and then I'll come up with you.” As they start to learn that you consistently come when you're done doing what you say you'll do, they can wait through more and more steps.

I also use this technique in conversation. If I'm talking to another person and a child tries to interrupt, I'll tell him, “I'm talking to Oma right now. When I finish with her I'll be ready to listen to you.” With a very young child, or a child who's new to my program, I'll just finish my sentence with Oma and then it will be the child's turn to speak. If they want me to help them with something, I will tell them, “I'll be able to help you when I'm done with my conversation. You'll know I'm done when I come into the play-room.” Again, I won't make a child wait too long. When I come, I'll acknowledge, “You waited so patiently, and now I'm here to help you!” It's really important to start small and work your way up, so that a child can rest in the knowledge that if you say you'll come help in a minute, you really will (they don't need to remind you again and again). If they're very impatient, and have to remind me again anyhow, I will acknowledge this, too: “You're having a hard time waiting, huh? What will you do while you wait? Why don't you play with the fire-truck until I come?” Or, “Would you like to sit on my lap while I'm finishing up here with Oma?” Then I'll wrap up my conversation with Oma, and say to the child, “Wow. You waited and waited, and now I'm finally ready.”

And finally, I use this technique when multiple children are attempting to talk to me at once. “First I'll listen to Ashley, then to to Sonya, and then Chloe.” I always try to make sure that I give each child the turn that I've told them they'll get, although they've often forgotten what they were trying to say by then. However, they're always happy to make up a new story when they've gotten my attention! When children feel confident that they'll get my attention when I say they will, they don't feel the need to talk over each other, and it's easier for them to learn to be patient.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Being Your Best Self

          We all want to be our Best Selves for the children we care for.  Certainly because this would create the best possible environment for our little ones, but also because when we're our Best Selves, we enjoy our lives more.
          In a perfect world, it seems like we’d be able to be our best selves all the time.  We’d go gracefully through the day, and nothing would faze us.  We’d know when to be firm and when to be flexible, we wouldn't lose our tempers when our little boy poops in his pants for the fourth day in a row, right when that baby’s supposed to go down for her nap.  We’d be fresh and gracious when our partner gets home from work, and when he asks what we did today, we’d have a list as long as our arm of things we’d accomplished.  Right?

          Well, only maybe.  Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say No, that’s not what Being Your Best Self is about.  Because if that IS what it’s about, what can we do except feel perpetually guilty about not being as good as we imagine that we could or should be?  Instead, let’s put aside this mythical person who never messes up, who doesn’t get annoyed and who never loses their cool.  Instead, let’s make this about us, and who we are, wherever we are right now in our lives. 

So, how do we work on Being Our Best Selves, from where we are right now?

          The first, and perhaps most important piece, is this:  WHAT CHILDREN NEED IS NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS PERFECT AS A ROLE MODEL, BUT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS STRIVING TO BETTER HERSELF (OR HIMSELF).  

          When our children see us striving to be better, they also can strive to be better.  This means making mistakes, then trying to learn from them.  This means having to learn the same lessons over and over again, just like our children do.  That’s part of what it is to be human.  But when we come in with the attitude of, ‘Next time I’ll do better’ that is what can really be life-changing to our children.  This act of striving is a huge piece of Being Our Best Selves for our children.

A mentor of mine told me and a group of women a story about this:  she said that when she was a young mother, she and her husband had wanted things to be perfect for their kids. With this in mind, they never argued in front of their children.  But then when their children grew up and embarked on serious romantic relationships of their own, they thought that if they argued, they had blown the whole relationship, or that it must be a ‘bad’ relationship.  They had never seen their parents disagree on anything, and therefore they had never seen a model of how to argue in a healthy way so that both parties could benefit and grow.

         I’m not saying that it’s a great idea to fight in front of your kids all the time, but what I’m saying is that it’s not only OK to be human, it’s preferable to be human!  Life is full of disappointments and mistakes and times when you don’t do as well as you might have done.  Teaching our children how to recover from mistakes, how to apologize when we don’t handle things well, how to pick up the pieces and keep moving, with the attitude of “Next time I bet I’ll do better,” this is what can truly help our kids, and ourselves.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Bullying/Sibling Rivalry

Dear Miss Faith,
 I am looking for suggestions to help with some fairly severe sibling rivalry. This is a preschool-aged old boy towards his young-toddler sister, in a family which I visit with regularly and care about deeply.  Thank you, M.
Dear M,
          How frustrating for you to see two children you care about being unkind!  Kudos to you for looking to take some action to help this family.  When you are with the children, are the parents present or not present?  Are they at your house, or are you at their house?  These things will all come into play.  One book I like a lot is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Is it possible for mom (and/or you) to spend some time with each child alone every few days or at least each week? 
          For short-term strategy, here are some ideas; you can announce one day that there is a new rule in your house: everyone must touch with gentle hands.  Show everyone what touching with gentle hands means (at Rainbow Bridge it means kind of stroking your friends on the arm), and have everyone practice.  "Yes, that's it!  Now you know how to touch with gentle hands!"  Notice out loud anytime you see someone touching someone else gently.  And if anyone forgets to touch with gentle hands, show sadness that they forgot, and send them immediately to get the Healing Stone (or the Healing Cloth, or an ice pack, or whatever you wish; keep it in a special place that only comes out when someone gets hurt), and touch it to the child who is hurt.  Then find some good work for those hands: tidying some blocks, wiping the table, etc.  You do this "good work" with him, then thank him for his help, give him a hug, and he can go play again.  It's not a punishment, it's just helping him learn what is appropriate to do with his hands.

           In long-term strategy, you want to be calling out the archetype of the Knight in this little boy:  someone who is strong and good, and who helps those who are weaker than he is.  You might start telling a story about a boy who wants to be a knight when he grows up, but nobody thinks he could be.  But he knows he can do it.  He starts exploring what a knight is like, and doing all the things a knight does.  First he works to become very strong, then he starts to rescue people and animals who needed help, and finally he starts to help all those who are smaller and weaker than he is.  Everyone starts to wonder at the changes that have come.  Maybe he could become a knight after all!  Then one day when he's helping someone, the King happens to see it, and he calls the boy to him and honors him, and makes him into a Knight-in-Training.  You could either do this as one story that you tell again and again, or you could make it an ongoing story, that starts out the same way each time (introducing the boy and his desires) and telling a different "adventure" each time of how he helps someone, and this could go on for several months before the King ever notices him.

           In the meantime, start asking more from this little boy, and call out the best in him.  Ask him to help you with things, then ask him to do tasks for you while your hands are full but you're watching, and finally start asking him to help other children when the children ask you for help.  Notice how strong he is, how helpful he is, and start appreciating those traits in him.  If he starts having a new image to live into, he might be able to start moving away from being the Bad Big Brother who everyone is angry at all the time.

           It can be so hard to turn things around when we get stuck in negative patterns, so be patient and tenacious.  And good luck!

Warmly,

Faith

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Foster Determination

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Inspired by the book The Family Virtues Guide, I am looking at one virtue each month or so, and giving some thoughts on how we can foster that virtue in the children we care for.

Research is showing again and again that it is determination, rather than intelligence or talent, that determines whether people succeed or fail. One of the most important researchers in this arena is Carol Dweck, author of the book Mindset (check out the website). I've seen Dweck quoted in many books I've loved, most notably Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, and The Talent Myth by Malcolm Gladwell. One of Dweck's most famous studies was with elementary-school aged children in which she gave all of the children a test that they did well on. The students were then given one sentence of praise: either “you must be smart at this,” or “you must have worked really hard.” The children who were praised for their intelligence were markedly less likely to choose difficult tasks afterward (it might show that they weren't smart after all), and when asked to write to students at another school about the tests, they tended to inflate their test scores. The children who were praised for their effort stuck with the tasks for much longer, and reported much higher enjoyment of the tasks. Many other studies have backed up these findings as well.

So, what can we do to foster determination in our kids? Clearly, one of the first things is to praise them for their effort, rather than for just “being good” at something, or even worse, being “smart.” Check out the article on the Joyful Toddlers Facebook Page “The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids.” Very fascinating.

Another thing, which feels a little harder, is not to jump in to help too quickly when a child is having a hard time with something. Instead, give them some verbal encouragement: “You can do it!” Often, when I know a kid really can do something with a little more effort, I'll tell them, “I bet you can do it. I'll watch!” Having me watch while they up their effort calls out the best in kids, and they often discover they can do more than they knew. Afterward I'll often say proudly, “Wow, that was hard, but you worked and worked, and you did it!”

Even if it's something you know they can't do, don't jump in too soon. Even at 18 months of age, it's good to let kids deal with their own frustration for a little bit, and see if they can sort things out for themselves. When they can't, we can teach them how to ask for help in a way that makes people want to help them. When I hear a shriek of frustration at Rainbow Bridge I have a range of responses. If the child is under two, or new, I'll simply cue them: “You can say, 'help please!'” and then I help them, whether they repeat it or not. If they're two and verbal, I'll cue them, and wait for them to voice their request. If they're three or older, and I hear a shriek or moan of frustration, I'll say, “Wow, you're having a hard time. Why don't you ask for some help?” Most of the kids can calm themselves enough to respond, “Will you help me, please?”

And sometimes, it's ok to let our kids fail at things. In fact, Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, puts it even more strongly: “If we intervene when our kids are on the brink of making a mistake—preventing the mishap or just making things easier for them—we send the message that we think they are incapable in some way or that failing would be too traumatic. We need to protect our kids not from failure but from a life void of failure.” (Raising Happiness, p.58).

Another thing I'll do, which is indirectly related to determination, is that if a child asks me for help, I'll first look around and see what other resources they have. I'll suggest a tool they might use, or another child they could ask for help instead of me: “Why don't you ask Michael for help?” I'll suggest.

And finally, a last suggestion from Carol Dweck: When kids do something quickly and perfectly, she recommends saying: “Whoops! I guess that was too easy. I apologize for wasting your time. Let's do something you can really learn from!” (quoted in Raising Happiness, p. 57).

I'd welcome comments from anyone on your experiences helping your kids develop determination. What's worked well? What's been challenging?

Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Foster Kindness

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I was inspired by The Family Virtues Guide to notice and bring out the virtues we wish to see in our children. So once a month or so, I'll look at a different virtue and make some simple suggestions of ways we can foster them. So, kindness. I'd love to hear ways that you foster kindness in your homes too, so please let us know in the comments.

In her book Raising Happiness, Christine Carter makes a very interesting observation. She says: “My guess is that most parents hope their children are kind, but few deliberately teach kindness in conscious ways. In young children and adolescents, there is a lot of evidence that parenting practices are significantly associated with kindness in children, meaning that we can, in fact, stack the deck so that our children grow up to be kind and generous adults” (Raising Happiness, p.32).

With this in mind, how can we foster kindness in the children we care for? Here are some ideas I've had. Most you can do with children as soon as they can understand you. As they start to talk, you'll hear the same phrases coming from them:

-Thank people who are kind to you and add a little extra. When someone holds the door open for you, instead of just saying thanks, be a little more explicit. “Thanks for helping me. That's very kind.”

-Acknowledge kindness exhibited by others: “Look! Justin's helping Michael carry the truck up the stairs. That's sure nice of him.”

-'Brainstorm' with your child about how you can be kind to others. “I think it'd be lovely to do something kind for Daddy tonight. What could we do?” Maybe your child could bring him his slippers when he gets home, and you could make him a cup of tea. Or you could offer to hang up his coat for him. Or tell him that you're giving him five minutes of quiet, and you and your child could tiptoe around and whisper while he unwinds from work. What would be kind for dad? You and your child will know.

-Offer help and/or care to others. For example, when you see another child fall down, or an adult stub their toe, ALWAYS stop and ask, “Are you all right?” Often they are fine, but it's kind to ask.

-When you hear another child crying, always acknowledge it to your child. “I hear someone crying! Do you hear it too? Do you think somebody is giving them hugs and kisses?” Imagine out loud what someone might be doing that would be kind to that other little person.

What do you do in your family to foster kindness? What have you seen other families do that inspires you?

...One caveat: DON'T give material rewards for helpfulness. Carter reports in her book that: “Very young children who receive material rewards for helping others become less likely to engage in further helping compared with toddlers who receive only verbal praise or no reward at all.” (Raising Happiness, p.34). Other sources that talk about the deleterious effects of material rewards include the book Punished By Rewards by Alphie Kohn, and a very interesting article on the effects of different types of praise is “The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids,” which I've posted on the Joyful Toddlers Facebook Page.  You can also find it here.

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