Fall Celebrations: Martinmas

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Imaginative Journeys for Mundane Tasks

Redbird tell each child to put
his cloth in the bowl

Dear Miss Faith, 
          I’ve never before had children that regularly made a fuss but at the moment I look after two brothers (just turned 3 and 4) that get upset about washing hands, having nappies (diapers) changed and having shoes put on. I always give them warning (ie. in a few minutes we can wash our hands so that we will be ready to prepare our snack) give them a choice of helping to do it themselves or I can do it and try to keep things positive and fun but quite often none of it works.  I hate having to force them to do things when they get upset but these are things that really need to be done so im not sure what else to do. If you can think of any ideas that might help us I would be grateful!
Thank you,  Karen

Hi Karen,

               If the children were smaller (say, between 1 and 3), I’d suggest doing less talking.  A child who refuses to put on his shoes when you tell him, is often fine if you simply take him by the hand and start putting on his shoes without talking about it.  Especially if you are talking about something else that’s interesting, instead.   However, your boys are older, and that probably won’t work with them.  So, there are a couple of things to do. 

One thing that can be very effective is using songs for transitions like washing hands, putting on shoes, etc.  A wonderful source for songs for these activities can be found in Mary Schunnemann’s songbook with CD, “This is the Way We Wash-A-Day” (look in the tab "Toy Stores and Song Books" above for how to get it).  But again, at three and four, these boys may be so entrenched in being against these activities that you may have to bring out the Big Guns!

The Big Guns in this case are what I’ll call Imaginative Journeys.  Three and four year olds are enthralled with imaginative stories of any kind, and these are extra fun because of the movement involved.  An Imaginative Journey is a story that you and the children act out together, that involve doing something (like washing hands or putting on shoes).  They take a lot more time than just doing the act quickly, but they’re well worth it: the children love them, and it is a sneaky way to increase competence in children who resist doing things for themselves.  Think of them as activities in their own right, like circle games.  Here are a couple examples, but you can also make up your own. 

Washing Hands After A Meal

Try washing hands at the table, using wet wash-cloths.   Start telling a story, using the cloths.  Here’s one that I use: 

Once upon a time, there was a little caterpillar.  (You wrap one hand up in the wash-cloth and start ‘crawling’ it around the table). 

This caterpillar was SOOO Hungry!  He was hungry for…Rice! (or whatever you had for lunch). 

He searched and he searched, until finally he found some! (find your other hand which is open palm-up on the table and ‘eat’ all of the rice on it, scrubbing it with the wash-cloth.) 

But he was still hungry.  ‘Maybe I’ll find some more up here,’ he said, and he crawled higher and higher (crawl up your arm) until he came to the top. 

‘There’s lots of rice here!’ he said, and he ate, and he ate and he ate (wash your whole face with the wash-cloth while you say it) until he was SOOO Full, and SOOO Sleepy. 

He wrapped himself up in a cocoon blanket, and he found a Branch (put your arm out horizontally) where he hung himself, and he fell fast asleep. (hang your caterpillar arm over your branch arm.) 

He slept for days and days, until one day he felt the warm sun on his back, and he wiggled and wiggled out of his cocoon, and down it fell. (put the washcloth on the table, then bring your hands up so your fists are together.) 

But he discovered that he was no longer a caterpillar; he had become a beautiful butterfly! (link your thumbs and let your fingers flutter as your butterfly flies around. The end.  Or sing a little butterfly song.)

If you are washing hands before a meal, it might be something much faster, maybe even just a song with movements to scrub each hand.  At Rainbow Bridge we wash hands before the meal with a pitcher and wash-basin at the table.  We sing a song while we do it, and wash each child's hands in turn around the table.  the children who are competent scrub their hands with soap and dry their hands on a towel; those who don't, we do it for them.  There's no discussion about it because we're singing, and each child's turn seems quite inevitable.

Putting On Shoes

Again, think about how you can make this into an imaginative journey.  The following story I just made up, thinking about what I would do in your situation.  The story you make up doesn’t have to be as long or as involved as this one, but it should be interesting enough that everyone wants to take part.  You can do the same story every day for at least a month, or significantly longer if you don’t get totally sick of it.  Here goes:  Put all of the children’s hats down in a row, about 2 feet apart, with the child’s shoes in front of it, then announce, “Today, we will do something special.  Each child may go and sit down where his hat is!”  While they’re finding their hats and sitting down, sing “Find your hat! Then sit down!  Find your hat!  Then sit down!”  Singing during this time will forestall any discussion over it.  (After the first few days, no announcement will be needed.  Simply start singing the song, and gently steer any child who doesn’t immediately run over.)  When they’re all seated, sit down in front of them all with your feet out too, and start telling a story (make sure you have your hat and shoes in your place, too).  Speak in a slow, rhythmic voice, a little deeper than your own:

Once upon a time, there were two Feet.  (Have your feet with the soles facing each other.) 

'Hello,’ said the one foot.   ‘Hello,’ said the other.  (Wiggle the toes of one foot, then the other.)

(address this next part to the children) Can your feet say hello to one another? (go back to low story-voice.)  ‘Hello,’ said the one foot.  ‘Hello,’ said the other. 

‘Nice day for a walk,’ said the one foot.  ‘Indeed it is,’ said the other.  (Wiggle toes as each one speaks.) 

’Well, where should we go?’ said the one foot.  ‘I don’t know,’ said the other. 

So they began to walk.  (Lift your knees together and have the two feet ‘walk’ on the floor in place, slowly and steadily.) 

They walked and walked and walked.  ‘I’m really cold,’ said the one foot.  ‘I’m really wet,’ said the other.  ‘Maybe we can find a cave.’ 

They looked around, and they found something that they thought would be just right.  In they went. (put both feet into your hat.  The children will think this is hilarious.  They can put their feet into their caves, too. When the feet are ‘talking’ in the cave, speak in a muffled voice.) 

’Why are you pushing me?’ said the one foot.  ‘You’re pushing Me!’ said the other.  ‘We need to find our own caves.’ And out they came. 

‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the one foot.  ‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the other. 

They walked and walked, until they saw something new.

‘Here’s a cave that’s just my size!’ said the one foot, ‘But it will be hard to fit into.  I’ll open it up as much as I can.’ (Take one shoe and open it up, pulling any laces or Velcro wide, pulling up the tongue.   Then put your foot at the entrance, and start pushing it in.) 

’I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in! Push, push, push!’ said the one foot. 

Then In-He-Went!”  (Push your foot in.  Help any children who need help, repeating, ‘I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in!  Push, push push!’ until all of the children have one shoe on.  Then go back and sit down.) 

(Repeat that part of the story for the second foot). 

’Now we are ready to walk,’ said the feet! 

‘I won’t be cold,’ said the one foot.  ‘I won’t be wet,’ said the next foot.  And Off-They-Went.” 

(Reach down for your hat, and pull it onto your head, giving a big, satisfied sigh to signify the end of the story.)

The secret to having these Imaginative Journeys work is to make them highly ritualistic.  Make your movements crisp and stylized, so they are easy to imitate.  Make your voice firm and compelling.  Don’t force the children to do them with you, just make them so entrancing that the children want to follow along.  If a child doesn’t do it, you can give a little help to nudge them along, or repeat part of the story (like when I say, “Can your feet say hello to each other?”), but don’t take so much time away that you lose the interest of the rest of the children.  If a child doesn’t take part in the hand and face washing, for example, I will quickly wipe his hands and face for him as I’m picking up the cloths.  If he objects, I calmly state, “Next time you can do the story with us, and then I won’t have to wipe your face afterward.”

Other Strategies

If the idea of Imaginative Journeys is too much for you, then think about different ways that you can make these experiences special.  For example, I know one woman with a home daycare, and at the end of each meal, she calls each child up to her one by one, and she slowly and lovingly wipes each child’s face and hands, and brushes off any food from his clothing, then gives him a hug, and he can go and play.  She loves it because it's a chance for her to connect with each child.  Or sometimes I’ll play funny games with the cloths, where we hold them flat against our mouths and I ask funny questions (“Are we all wearing our bathing suits right now?”) That everyone can answer “Nooooo!” and shake their heads back and forth, wiping their mouths.  The trick is to make it so fun, or so sweet, that children don’t want to refuse.  It’s not a means to an end, it’s an end in itself!

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Starting Daycare and Saying Goodbye

Dear Miss Faith,

               My little guy is starting daycare and while I’m sure that it will be a wonderful, loving place for him, I am dreading dropping him off and saying goodbye.  We have had a hard time with babysitters lately.  Do you have any advice for helping it go smoothly?

Dear Mama,

               Yes!  I have helped many families adjust to saying goodbye for the first time, and what I’ve seen is this:  the thing that makes the most difference for a child is the parent’s attitude.  When a parent feels bad that a child is crying, and lingers as a result, children often continue crying for a long time, even after the parent has managed to drag herself away.  I think that when a parent does this, the message she is sending is, “I don’t want to leave you here, but I have to.”  The way the child interprets this is,  “Mom doesn’t want to leave me here; I AM NOT SAFE HERE.”    

The biggest gift you can give your child is to say, with every ounce of your being, “I am leaving you in the best of hands.”  You don’t have to say this out loud; transmit it through your actions, through your attitude.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge his feelings: it’s hard to watch you leave!  You can be compassionate without feeling guilty for causing the grief. “I know that saying goodbye is hard, AND I know that you’ll have a good time while I’m gone.  I love you so much, and I am leaving you in the best of hands.”

But what if I AM feeling guilty?  It is heart-wrenching to walk away when my little one is crying his heart out and reaching out to me. 

It seems like one more hug could only help, right?  But no.  Remember, you know that this is going to be a wonderful, loving place for him.  You told me that in your letter.  That’s why you chose this place.  So, if that is true, then being there won’t be a hardship for him; it’s only the process of watching you leave that is hard.  In that case, the longer you draw out the process of leaving, the longer you’re drawing out his feelings of unhappiness.  Be loving, and firm in your knowledge that this is the best choice for your family, and say goodbye.  If you go out to your car and cry, that’s OK.  This is a big transition for both of you.  But don’t let those guilty feelings make your son’s separation even harder than it needs to be. (One thing that can help is to ask your caretaker to call you if he hasn’t stopped crying after a certain amount of time.)

I tried doing what you said, but he runs after me and latches onto my legs, so the caretaker has to pull him off of me.  That feels terrible!

I bet that feels terrible for everyone!  It sounds like your little guy may feel safer with a ‘hand-off.’  Hold him while you’re coming in, and when it’s time to go, put him into the arms of his caretaker.  Then blow a kiss and wave goodbye.  It’s important that you’re handing him over to the caretaker, so that she doesn’t have to be in the position of pulling him away from you.  Remember, you want to be giving your son the message that you are making a good decision and he will be safe here. 

On the first day, drop-off was OK, but it seems like it’s getting worse and worse. 

My experience is that the first day is often deceptively easy, because your child doesn’t know what’s in store!  Then days two, three and four get worse and worse, as he starts to realize that this is a regular thing!  But by day five he has started to bond with his caretaker, so it's a little better, and day six is a little better still.  Once that bond is established there may still be some crying, but he should be easily comforted by his caretaker after you leave.  If your child is only going two days a week, this process might be a little bit slower, as it will take him more time to bond with someone he is not seeing as frequently. 

So, know that learning to say goodbye is a process, and don’t lose faith!  Continue letting him know that you are leaving him in the best of hands, and don’t draw out the process of saying goodbye.     If your child is still really having a hard time after this period, make some time (not at drop-off!) to talk to your caretaker.  How long does he cry after you leave?  Is he bonding with her and with any of the other children?  If he's not bonding well, it may be that being in a big group is overwhelming for him still, and he'd do better with a sitter or a nanny at home.  Many children are not ready to be in a group setting without mom until they are at least three years old.  If it seems that he IS bonding with her, ask if there’s anything you could be doing differently, that would help his transition.  She may well have some ideas.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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When I'm Low Energy

Lavender Foot-Baths

When I am in full health, and have gotten enough sleep, I LOVE my time with children.  But when I don't get enough sleep, or I have a headache, or a cold, or medicine is making me groggy, the amount of energy it takes to care for children just seems beyond my capabilities.  And yet there they are, as rambunctious as ever.



Take Care of Miss Faith Day
          On days when I feel wiped out, I implement "Take Care of Miss Faith" days.  I lower the lights.  I pull the curtains.  When the children come in, I tell them in a soft voice, "Today's gong to be a quiet day.  Today will be a day when YOU take care of ME!"  I lie down on the couch, or in the cozy corner that's loaded with lambskins and cushions.  The children bring over blankets and silks and 'tuck me in.'  They bring over the dollies and tuck them in with me.  They bring over books, and we take turns where they read one to me, then I'll read one to them.  We play the kinderharp.  We brush hair and give lavender foot-baths.  We drink warm chamomile  tea.  Take Care of Miss Faith days are days for snuggling, and they are sweet and soft.  I talk more softly, more slowly than usual.  Things I normally do myself, I ask the children to do for me, and they love to rise to the occasion.

When I first started implementing these days, it was when I had a migraine, or a close relative was seriously ill.  It seemed that the children could sense that I really needed some quiet space, and extra care.  Even the littlest ones were more quiet than usual.  But then I thought, Why not have these days a little more often?  The children are clearly capable of doing it when it's needed, and they seem to benefit from it as much as I do.  So I started having these "quiet days" more often. If it was a really rainy day, we'd turn it into a quiet day.  If we had a cold snap and we hadn't been able to play outside in five days, we'd have a quiet day.  If four parents said their kids were grumpy or sleep deprived at drop-off, we'd have a quiet day.  I'd try to do them often enough that the children would remember them, but infrequently enough that they remained unusual and special.  About once a month seemed good.

The reality is that these days still take quite a lot of energy on my part.  I can't just "check out" and let the kids run things themselves; that tends to result in chaos.  Instead, I have to use my energy to create this cozy, intimate atmosphere.  If a child forgets and becomes loud, I'll remind them that "today is a quiet day," and if they can't tone it down, I'll say, "if you need to be loud, I'd like you to do it in the other room.  Today is a day where I need quiet around me."  Because these days are so snuggly and so special, most children would rather tone it down than be left out of the special atmosphere.  But even though they still take energy (I'm still running the show, I'm just running a different show from normal), I find it to be restful and rejuvenating, and the children do, too.  Those who need extra cuddling get as many cuddles as they need, and those who wish they were a little bigger get the chance to stand tall and really help on a whole new level.  And I get to spend significant chunks of time in a semi-horizontal position, drinking tea and having children love all over me.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

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End of Meal Transition

Dear Miss Faith,
I run a small home daycare, and a difficult time for me is clearing the table after a meal.  Do you have the kids clear their bowls or empty extra food into the compost?  My children excuse themselves when finished and leave their items on the table to be cleared and then washed by myself and any child who wants to help.  I'd like to have a clearing/composting process, but the sink is often not ready for dishes, and we do the dishes in wash tubs on the table anyway....any suggestions?  I'd love to know what you do with your children.  
Thanks so much, Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
          There are lots of different things you can do to help smooth things out at the end of a meal.  At Rainbow Bridge, we do things differently at the end of lunch than we do for the snack after naptime, for example.  Lunch is the big meal of the day that is also a social time, so everyone stays at the table while the candle is lit, until the meal is done.  At the end of the meal I'll sing, "Last little nibbles," then "Last sips of water."  I'll blow out the candle and put washtubs on the table, and children put their bowls, cups and spoons in the washtubs.  Then I pass out a wet warm washcloth to each child, and we play a fun little game with wiping our hands, faces, and the table in front of us.  One game that the children love is "questions," where we all hold the washcloths up against our mouths, and the children suggest questions for me to ask.  The answer to these questions is always "no," so everyone shakes their heads while holding the cloths still, effectively wiping their mouths.  Questions range from "Will we wear our bathing suits to play out in the snow?" to "Is my house made of cheese?"  Then cloths go in a bowl and children push their chairs in.  A washcloth for each child definitely increases the laundry load, but it's well worth it in my opinion.  
          When my mom is in charge of a meal, she excuses each child by bringing out Redbird (a wool bird on a string, held by a stick), and children make a 'nest' with their hands for redbird to land in.  Once Redbird lands in a child's 'nest' he may leave the table.
          When I worked at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten, children scraped their bowls into the compost before they put them in a washtub.  This was a fairly energy-intensive activity for the adults, and success depends on having a good traffic pattern from the table to the compost bucket to the washtub.  The compost bucket also can't be too small!
          For the snack after naptime, things are much looser.  Children eat as they wake up, and when they are done they take their bowls to the counter and go into the playroom to play.  If they've spilled (it's usually apple sauce or yoghurt) they get a cloth and wipe it up.  
          So, there are different ways to do it, and different meals can have different levels of formality.  Since your children are excused from the table as they finish, it seems they could easily take their bowls to the counter, or to a washtub if the counter is too high.  I knew one LifeWays caregiver who had very little ones.  She would excuse them one by one and have them come stand in front of her, and she would wipe their face and brush off their clothes before they left the eating area.  It was a fairly slow process, but the children clearly enjoyed getting that snippet of direct personal attention.
          I hope these ideas get your creative juices flowing, and good luck!
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Potty at Daycare

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If you work taking care of other people's toddlers, then you are an integral part of the potty-learning process. Having several toddlers together gives you some advantages over parents, but it also presents some unique challenges.


Advantages
The main advantage you have is that young children learn through imitation. At Rainbow Bridge I'll usually take two or three children who are potty-learning to the bathroom at once, and it's quite a social experience. We have a kiddie-potty on the floor, facing the full-sized toilet that has a wide foot-stool in front of it and an extra kid-sized seat that's attached to the toilet and opens and closes (see an example here). If I had room in the bathroom I'd put another kiddie-potty, but the bathroom is too small. Still, two children can go to the potty at once, while a third kid stands next to me or sits on my lap (I sit on the stool in front of the sink).

At first, I'll help the children through every process: pulling down their pants, taking off their diaper, sitting on the potty, getting toilet paper, getting a new diaper, pulling up pants, washing and drying hands. As they get more and more experienced, I'll let them do as much as they can on their own, until I get to the point where I say, “I bet you can do this all on your own now! This time, I won't even go into the bathroom with you. I'll just watch from here.” And I'll stand in the hallway outside the bathroom door, saying “Are you really going to do this all by yourself today? I can hardly believe it! But look at that! You pulled your pants down by yourself. Maybe you WILL be able to do it all on your own.” If they need some help, I encourage them to ask for it (“you can say, 'help please!'), but usually they can get it on their own, and I'm super proud of them. After a few times of doing that, when it's time for them to go potty I'll send them to the bathroom on their own, then I'll wait a few minutes before I go and see how they're doing.

In a group care setting, I'll also sometimes ask a bigger kid who's completely diaper-free to take a younger child who's just learning and show them how they go potty. I go with them and supervise the whole thing, but I try to stay in the background a bit and only step in as needed. This can be a very sweet process: the bigger kid feels so competent, and the littler kid feels so special.

Disadvantages
However, there are also some significant disadvantages to potty-learning in groups. The most significant is that if you are working on your own, you have many children to supervise and can't spend all of your time in the bathroom, especially if it is far away from your livingroom/play space. If that's the case, you might consider making a “potty corner” with play-stands or two dressers in a corner of your play-room, or you can just tell parents that their child will have to wait until they're diaper-free to go potty at your house. You have to do what works for you in your house.

Another serious disadvantage is that children tend to have more accidents at daycare because they're having so much fun playing with their friends that they don't want to leave, or they don't realize they need to go until it's too late because things are so exciting. I've had parents who claim that their children are completely diaper-free at home, but they have accidents all the time at my house. In those cases I work with the parents as I can, but if it gets to be too much the child can arrive at my house diaper-free, but once they have an accident or if they can't pee in the potty when I take them, they'll need to wear a diaper for the rest of the day at my house. When their parent comes to pick them up, they can take the diaper off before they leave. As long as the child puts the diaper on and takes it off again while still at my house, they rarely back-slide at home.

And thirdly, children are often having so much fun playing that they refuse to go potty when it's time. For those children, I'll either try to take them when there's a transition going on anyhow, like right after a meal or right when we come inside (so they're not immersed in play yet), or I'll say, “Jack, it's time to go potty soon. Do you want to go now, or will you go after Anna?” He usually chooses to go after Anna, so I'll tell Anna, “Anna, run to the potty and when you get back, tell Jack that's it's his turn.” I'll remind Jack once while she's gone that as soon as Anna's back it will be his turn, and when she tells him, then off we go together, no discussion. This method is usually quite successful. I really like this method of having one child tell the other when they're done for fully diaper-free kids as well, as it helps the kids learn to listen to each other.

The main thing if you are a childcare provider is to do what feels good to you. I love potty-learning because it's a great time for me to get some one-on-one or one-on-two time with the kids, and it's great to watch them as they gain the skills and become more and more competent. But I also always have at least one or even two other adults with me! So if taking children to the potty seems like just one more thing than you can handle, I think it's perfectly alright to have other ways to bond with the children.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

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