Young Kids and Chores

Dear Miss Faith,

Can you talk a little bit more about responsibilities/expectations/chores for 2-3 year olds?  How do you go about incorporating young kids into household tasks, self-care, etc?  What can you reasonably expect at different ages?  When do you institute mandatory chores?

                                             -E.N.

Dear E.,

These are great questions!  As you know if you’ve read just about anything I’ve written, I’m a huge proponent of incorporating kids of all ages into household tasks.  First I’ll talk about why I think it’s so great to do, and then I’ll talk about age-appropriate expectations.

Why Household Tasks are Great for Kids

               The reason that I’m such a fan is threefold:  first, when you slow down a household activity enough to incorporate a toddler into it, doing that task together can be a wonderful way to connect with your child.  The two of you are doing it together.  Second, doing household tasks are a wonderful way for children to practice skills and gain competence in many different areas:  fine motor skills through folding wash-cloths; gross motor skills by putting dishes onto their shelf or sweeping the floor or washing the windows; sensory integration by washing the dishes or kneading dough.  And by inviting a child into a task that you do from beginning to end, you are teaching him how to go about tasks: about follow-through, about attitude.  Thirdly (and this is how doing household tasks together are different from doing arts-and-crafts projects), incorporating children into household tasks allows them to contribute to the household, and to help the person they love the most:  you!  That is really fulfilling for children.  Although doing tasks with young children takes MUCH longer than doing it by yourself, making space for your child to be able to contribute to tasks that really need to be done sets the stage for them to be able to contribute in ever-greater ways in the future.

What to Expect At Different Ages

               So, what are young kids capable of at different ages?  When should it go from being something that you lure them into, to something that is simply expected?  My experience is that adults tend to underestimate what one- and two-year-olds can do, and overestimate what three- and four-year-olds can do.  What do I mean by that?  Well, with the littler ones, we often simply don’t create the space or even have an idea of what a little one can do.  Their skills are growing so quickly at this age, that we often treat them as an infant when they are in fact capable of much more.  As young as 18 months, a young child can take her bowl from the table, scrape her food into a compost-tub, and put her bowl and spoon into a wash-tub.  I had a class of 8 one- and two-year olds, and they all did this after every meal!  When a child first came to me, I would stand behind him and help him reach out his hand to get his bowl.  Then I would point out the compost-tub, and walk over with him.  Kneeling behind him, I’d put my hands around his to grasp the spoon and scrape out the food.   Then I’d point out the wash-tub and he could put his bowl and spoon in by himself.   After five or six times of literal ‘hands-on’ help like this, most kids became quite competent!
          Now, don’t get the wrong idea:  some children require lots more than six times of ‘hands-on’ help, and all of the kids needed help sometimes, even those big almost-three-year-olds who had been doing it twice a day for almost two years.  The fact that we ALWAYS did it after EVERY meal was a help, and the fact that everyone else was doing it, helped the new children learn quickly.  We had a little song that we sang while we did it, which helped things go smoothly, and my assistant and I were always actively involved with the process.

               So what can most two-year-olds do, if we teach them how and help them do it every time?  They can help you make their bed.  They can brush their own teeth while you brush yours.  They can help set the table if we hand things to them and ask them to put them on the table.  They can wash their own hands, if we are right there to help/talk them through it:  push up their own sleeves, scrub with soap, rinse hands clean, turn off the water, and dry their hands on a towel.  They can drink from an open cup and only spill sometimes.  They can take their bowl from the table to the counter when they’re done.  They can help wash the table with a cloth before/after a meal.  They can help wash dishes if you don’t mind them getting wet.  They can go potty with help from you.  They can help fold laundry, put things away, unload the dishwasher, put forks, spoons and knives in the proper place in the silverware drawer as long as they can reach.  What two-year-olds generally CAN’T do:  many can take shoes or clothes off, but can’t yet put them on.  Most can’t follow multi-part directions, unless they’re very simple and sequential (“please pick up your sock and put it in the drawer” usually gets the sock picked up, but they may need a reminder of the second part: “and now put it in the drawer.  Thank you!”).

               Three- and four-year-olds are much more competent in terms of what they are able to do.  They are capable of doing many tasks, even fairly complex ones.  However, adults frequently overestimate what child children of these ages can do.  That’s because we assume that because a child is CAPABLE of doing something, they should be able to do it whenever we want them to.  And that’s simply not the case.  Just because your four-year-old is capable of putting on every item of clothing, doesn’t mean that you can simply ask him to get dressed and then go downstairs to fix breakfast while he does it.  Chances are you’ll go upstairs ten minutes later to find his clothes still lying on the bed, while he’s playing with his fire-truck.  In fact, even if you stay there with him and talk him through the process (“it’s time to get dressed and your clothes are on the bed.  Where’s your shirt?”), he may well only be able to actually dress himself sometimes.  Even though he’s CAPABLE of it, at this age he will only be ABLE to do it by himself sometimes.  Some days those clothes zip right on, and some days you are doing almost every piece.
          How competent children at this age are on a given day depends on how tired they are, how distracted they are, how distracted YOU are, and many other factors that we can only guess at.  The trick at this age is to be fully present with them as they do a task, stepping in to keep them on track as much or as little as is needed, without getting mad that yesterday they did it just fine, and today they don’t seem capable of doing anything.  That’s how things are at this age.  The smoother and more consistent your support, the more and more frequently he’ll be able to do it on his own.  If your support is inconsistent, so that he can go a long ways off-track before you direct him back to the task at hand, or your support is angry, or your support is rushed, then he will resist that "support," and he’ll want to do the things you ask of him less and less.

When to Implement “Chores”

               I am not a fan of “chores” for children under the age of seven.  In my mind, “chores” are things you have to do whether you feel like it or not, and there may be some sort of punishment if they don’t get done.  I don’t feel like this is appropriate for young children.  Remember, in having children help with household tasks, we are setting patterns and laying the groundwork for a lifetime of helping out around the house, of pitching in, of feeling proud that they are contributing.  In this vein, there are two important points to help set yourself up for success:  first, don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves, and second, don’t get into power struggles over tasks.

Don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves.  With young children, household tasks should always be done together.  Children want to be with us and connect with us; while they’re happy to forget about us when they are immersed in deep play, household tasks and self-care tasks are things that WE want them to do, and we want them done in a certain way.  Therefore, they must be done together.  Remember, children don’t have the skills yet to follow through on tasks consistently, even if they’re capable of doing each part.  We are teaching them how to do these tasks, and supporting them as they learn the skill of following-through, which won’t be fully developed till much later.

Don’t get into a power struggle.  Although I don’t have chores, I do have expectations about what children help with.  For example, when I set out to chop some veggies, I’ll bring my chopping board, knife and bowl to the table, along with some kid-chopping boards and table knives.  I’ll start chopping my veggies, singing a chopping-song.  Usually one or two or three children will come over and want to help, but if nobody does, that’s fine.  They can play while I chop.  Likewise with washing the table before a meal, or sweeping the floor.  I do these tasks slowly and mindfully, with room for children, and the children are welcome to help or not, as they choose.  Other tasks, such as tidying up, are done all together and I will gently steer a child who is not participating back into the activity by giving her a toy and asking her to put it in its place.  And finally there are some tasks, such as clearing your bowl from the table, are expected from each child at the end of every meal.

But what if a child refuses to take his bowl? What to do?  Do I MAKE him do it?  Or do I just not care?  My answer to that is that it depends on why they're saying no.  If a child is just saying “no” to try it out, I’ll say, “Oh, it looks like you need some help getting started,” and I’ll simply go over and help him pick up his bowl, then face him in the right direction.  Just getting them in motion (through my own motions, NOT with words) is often enough to get him back on track.  On the other hand, maybe he’s saying “no” to test boundaries.  For example, perhaps you and your son set the table together every day, but one day your 3 ½ -year-old stands there defiantly and says, “No!” And then looks at you to see how you’ll respond.  What do you do?
In general, the best way to meet defiance in young kids is to transform their emotion through humor or imagination, and then continue on with the task being defied, without talking about it.  So here's a response that comes immediately to my mind, if I were in the situation described above.  I'd look at that little boy with utter amazement.  “What????  Did you say No?????  Wait!  Say it again and see what happens!”  Then he says “No,” but not nearly as defiantly.  He’s curious.  I take a big breath and raise my arms up high above my head, then say, “Whooooossshhhhh!” and swoop him up and onto the couch.  Then I tickle him and kiss him until he’s limp with laughter. (I've transformed the emotion away from defiance.)  I sit up and make smiling eye contact with him, then take him by the hand to help him up off the couch.  Still holding his hand we walk into the kitchen together.  “Now, where are the plates?” I say.  (I go back to the task, without talking about it.)  Usually a child is happy to get back on track at this point.  But if he’s not, he might say say “No, I don’t want to set the table.”
At this point the most important thing is not to get into a power struggle.  The reason for this is that power struggles do little except give your child practice at saying no, and not doing what you say.  Even if you make them do it, it’s not setting them up to want to do it again the NEXT time you ask; power struggles tend to beget more power struggles.  So at this point, I’d look the child in the face, and try to get a sense of what’s going on.  Depending on what I see, I might try to connect emotionally with him, in an imaginative way:  I’ll make a sad face, and say, “I’ll be so lonely if I have to set the table all by myself.  Boo hoo hooo!  Boo hoo hooo!” and I’ll pretend to cry, looking through my fingers to see his response.  But another time, I might look and see only obstinacy.  In this case, instead of trying to play further, I’ll simply say, “I can see that you’re not ready to help me set the table today.  That’s OK.  Why don’t you sit on the couch and look at a book while I do it.  I bet you’ll be ready to help me again tomorrow.”  I’ll go and I’ll set the table by myself.  And the next day, chances are pretty good that I’ll have my helper back.
This is the part that strikes many parents as strange.  Am I not simply 'giving in?' Have I not just lost my authority?  Am I not setting things up for them to be irresponsible for life?  But I would answer, no.  This technique, of verbally creating an image of your child being cooperative the next time, is a powerful tool.  Children will live up (or down) to our expectations most of the time.  Often times, when we are trying to force a child to do something, we think we are stating expectations for them to do it.  What our actions and attitude are ACTUALLY saying, however, is that we expect them NOT to do it, which is why we have to force them.  So, by listening to their desires and letting them off this one day, but saying, "I bet you'll be ready to help again tomorrow," this creates a powerful image that children can live up to.
However, just creating the image is not enough.  If a child is refusing to help and can't be jollied into it, there's something else that must also be done the next time that task comes up.  It's to go back to why doing household tasks together is useful:  if your child is not inspired to contribute, and is not inspired to do it to build competency, then you must go back to the foundation: connecting.  When the next day comes, take whatever your child didn't want to do the day before, and make it as enjoyable, as fun, as connecting as you can.  When the connecting part is in place, the other pieces will fall back into place, too.

Warmly,

Miss Faith 

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Pre-Verbal Hitting

Hey Miss Faith, I was wondering if you could write more on hitting.
          Our pre-verbal 15 mo is going through a rough phase this past month. He hits me and my husband in the face, throws things at us and the dog, pulls the cats by their tails and bops the goats on the nose. He's just being too rough with everyone. 
          We've tried reminding and showing him how to use "gentle hands," and here lately we've been yelling, "No, we don't hit!" but that doesn't help either. My husband is getting really frustrated as this behavior continues and increases, and he wants me to start smacking him on the hand but that just seems antithetical to all my parenting philosophies.
          Just seems hard for us to communicate the ideas to him... maybe it seems harder because he doesn't yet talk himself.

Hi Mama, 

In my experience, there are often two ‘rough phases’ with pre-verbal kids.  The first often comes shortly after becoming steady on their feet; the other one often happens right before a child is about to start speaking.

ROUGHNESS AFTER LEARNING TO WALK

So, your little guy learns to walk.  At first, this is a great accomplishment on its own, and it takes all of his concentration.  But then, he has mastered it!  At this point, many kids go through a ‘rough’ phase.  In my mind, I think of it as them realizing that they are big and powerful in the world!  They are exulting in their new-found strength, and in the new-found freedom to use their arms for grabbing or flailing instead of for crawling.  At this stage, I often see kids hitting, or grabbing hair, poking eyes, or biting for the first time.  They are experiencing this new freedom from the inside, and they have no idea that these fabulous new movements are actually hurting other people, or the cat, or whatever else they come into contact with.  This idea that they have to observe how their actions are affecting other people, and moderate them, is totally foreign.  Up until this point in their lives, their actions have never had this effect on people before.  So, we have to teach them to moderate their actions. 

Because this is brand-new, it certainly won’t happen overnight.  That's where we, as parents and caregivers, have to pull on our inner reserves.  Just be as patient as you can, and remember that this is a new skill and a new idea, and will take many, many times of practicing before it becomes an internal process for him.  Yelling as a general strategy doesn’t seem to help to speed up the process, although if a child really hurts you (through a hard bite, or a head-butt in the larynx, for example), then a big reaction is warrented.  But that should be saved for infrequent safety-related moments.  In general, remember that children learn through repetition, and through imitation.  Don’t just say “gentle hands,” as that has little meaning.  Instead, say “gentle hands,” and help him stroke the kitty, or stroke your leg, or stroke the neighbor girl’s arm.  "Yes, that's it!  You're touching with gentle hands!"  If you re-direct his actions into stroking with his ‘gentle hands’ EVERY SINGLE TIME he is too rough, here’s what may well happen:  First, you do it about a hundred times.  After a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to say “gentle hands,” and some of the time he’ll start stroking on his own, without you physically helping him to do it.  You give him lots of love when he does that.  About 4 weeks in, he might start going over to the cat, or to the neighbor girl, and he’ll look directly at you, and very deliberately stroke her, without any prompting from you.  You go crazy with joy, because this is the beginning of a new era!  You still have to remind him (and help him) to touch gently a lot of the time, but he knows how to do it, and even thinks about doing it on his own.  He is proud of his accomplishment, and you are too.

ROUGHNESS BEFORE LEARNING TO SPEAK

The second time I’ve noticed that it’s fairly common for pre-verbal children to become aggressive is right before they start to speak.  It seems to me that there is a process where a child becomes very frustrated that others can’t understand him, and then there’s a kind of break-through, and when they start speaking, things tend to even out.  When this phase is going on, it can be very useful to give the child the words he will soon be using (you hope!).  So, you see the neighbor girl accidentally bump into your little boy, and your boy turns around and hits her.  Instead of saying, “No hitting!” or, “We don’t hit,” (or even "gentle hands,") try saying what he wishes he could say:  “You’re saying, ‘Please don’t bump me!’”  If the neighbor girl is crying, I would go over to her and give her a hug, saying “Oh no!  Are you alright?  That was too rough, wasn’t it?  I think he was trying to say, ‘Please don’t bump me!’”  Being a Translator for your little guy can help smooth out this time, and when those words come, he’ll know how to say what he’s wanting to express.

And last thoughts:  this time when they're learning to moderate their impulses can be trying for everyone, so don't forget to enjoy one another as much as you can!  Whenever you are stepping up the 'discipline,' it's important to step up displays of love by an equal amount.

Warmly,

Faith

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Toddlers Grabbing

Dear Miss Faith,

My son is 22 months and he always wants to pound on the computer keyboard or grab the mouse.  My husband yells at him a lot for this, and the whole thing is driving me crazy, but I don’t know what to do.  Any ideas you have would be welcome.

Hi there,

It’s not surprising that your little guy wants to bang on the keyboard and grab the mouse, that’s what he sees you and dad doing, all the time!  Children want to be involved in whatever we’re involved in, and they want to do whatever they see us doing.  That said, it’s not always appropriate for them to do what we’re doing!  What to do?

I have a couple of suggestions:  the first one is to get or make a toy computer that he can play with, so he can use that imitative urge.  You can make a perfectly good laptop out of a FedEx box, some construction paper, and a marker.  However, this will only solve part of the problem, because the real issue is that he sees your computer sucking your attention away, and he wants to be involved in whatever you’re involved in.  But yelling at him not to touch doesn’t get you very far.  Here’s the important piece:

Whenever a child wants to touch something that you don’t want them to be messing with, think of a way that he CAN touch/interact with it, that is OK with you.  Using one finger is often helpful.  For a laptop, it might be that he can run his index finger along the edge that protects the screen.  Next, teach him how to do it.  And from then on, whenever he wants to interact with the computer, you can guide him to touch it in this way that you’ve sanctioned.  So you’re never pushing him away, you’re never yelling at him to stop, you’re just reminding him, again and again, how he CAN touch it.  “Oh!  You can touch it on the edge, with your finger.” (Show him.  He imitates).  “That’s right!  You’re touching the computer!  That’s the way you do it!”  You smile into his eyes, and he’s thrilled that he gets to interact with you around this object which you spend lots of time concentrating on, and clearly love.  You’re not pushing him away, you’re inviting him in, in a way that is age-appropriate.  He can touch the edge of the computer as many times as he wants to. 

I have done this with children that age with many things, and it seems to satisfy them.  I had one little girl who was a little younger, 17 months or so, who desperately wanted to grab my knitting whenever I’d sit down with it on the couch.  Instead of pulling it away from her or chastising her, I came up with a little ritual: whenever she wanted to interact with my knitting, she could put one finger up and touch the tip of one needle, then the tip of another.  It took a couple of days of near-constant practice with her, but eventually it became an established ritual, and then lost much its interest (perhaps because it didn’t get such a big response as grabbing my knitting had?).  After that she would come up and touch my knitting needles about once an hour, but no more.  Each time was a little chance for us to make eye contact and connect briefly, and then she’d go back to her play.  She rarely grabbed it again.  I’ve also done this with flowers in my garden:  with flowers, you can touch them with one finger, or you can smell them.  That is all.  Children are satisfied with this, just as they are satisfied with the fact that the garbage has to stay in the trash can, or the lamp has to stay upright, or all of the other rules around touching things that we have in our lives.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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"Stop," "Don't," and "No."

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How and Why to Stop Saying “Stop,” “Don’t,” and “No.”

Stop saying “Stop.”

Why I avoid saying ‘stop’:

Young children can’t stop.  They don’t understand it yet; the only time they stop is when they’re sleeping.  So I try to avoid saying “stop,” as that only tends to lead to frustration, both on my part and the children’s.

               So what to do when children are doing something that you don’t like?  Well, even though children can’t stop, they CAN do something else.  So instead of saying, “stop banging your spoon on the table,” I say, “You can use your spoon to take a bite.”  Instead of saying, “Stop throwing sand,” I say, “You can put that sand into a bucket.”   Instead of saying, “Stop grabbing,” I say, “You can find a toy that nobody is using.”

               When a child is interacting with another child in a way that they don’t like, I try not to say “stop.”  Instead, I give them the words to talk to one another:

Sam comes up and tries to grab Harry’s toy.

Harry:  Wah!  (Looking at me)

Me:  Harry, you can say, “I’m playing with this right now.”

Harry:  I’m playing with this right now.

Sam:  Wah!

Me:  Oh, you wish you were playing with that?

Sam:  (nod)

Me:  Why don’t you say, “Can I use that when you’re done?”

Sam:  Can I use that when you’re done?

Harry: Mine!

Me:  Harry, you can say, “You can use this when I’m all done.”

When kids say “stop” to each other, I help them by translating very clearly what “stop” means.  At Rainbow Bridge, “Stop means take your hands away.”  I keep my ears out and whenever I hear a child saying “stop,” I turn around and watch, and remind them if needed, “Stop means take your hands away.”  If they don’t, I’ll continue, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away this time.”

Don’t say “Don’t.”

Why I avoid using the word don’t:

We all think with imagery, and children even more than adults.  If I say, “Don’t run in the street,” what’s the image that comes into your head?  Now, how about if I say, “Please walk straight along the sidewalk.”  The word “don’t” is a modifier that is very weak compared to the strong image created by the rest of the phrase.  This is why, if you say “Don’t jump in the puddle,” the average two-year-old will go directly to the puddle and jump in it, and be slightly puzzled as to why you’re annoyed.

What I do instead

The solution is exactly the same as with “stop.”  Instead of saying what you don’t want, say what you DO want the child to do.  If a little boy is riding his bike towards his friends and knocks into them over and over again, I will say, “You can go around your friends.”  If a child is leaning on a gate that is rickety, I’ll tell them, “Please stand up straight and tall.”

               Because we think so strongly in images, I also use images to set the scene for children, telling them how I want them to act in an upcoming situation:  “When I open the gate, everyone will walk calmly through, and wait on the other side until I latch it again.  Then we’ll walk together on the sidewalk, stopping at each tree for me to catch up.”  I don’t necessarily expect them to remember and obey, I’m just planting the seeds and setting the scene.  Then I’ll remind them right before each step, what’s about to happen.

Why Not to say “No.”

Why I avoid saying ‘no.’

I try to avoid saying no because children hear it all the time, and it loses its effectiveness if used too much.

What I do instead

If a child needs a swift word to stop them from doing something, I will often clap twice, very loudly.  This startles them and pauses them long enough for me to let them know what I DO want them to be doing.

               If a child asks if they can do something or have something, I try to say Yes, with as many caveats as I need.  If I’m up to the elbows in sudsy dishwater and a child asks me to tie a cape around their neck, I’ll say, “Yes.  I’ll help you as soon as I’m done with the dishes.”  If the child complains that they want it right now, we might brainstorm together: they could ask a friend for help, or try to do it themselves, or play with something else until I’m done.

               If the child asks for something and the answer will always be no, I will either tell them what they CAN have, “You can have a red ball today,” and just be compassionate if that’s a disappointment; or I will say “yes” in my imagination:  “If I had another green ball, I would give it to you for sure!”  I often take this imagination and run with it, making it bigger and bigger, and then transforming it into another conversation:  “In fact, if I had two green balls, I’d have one for you and one for me.  And we could throw them back and forth.  If we had three green balls, who would you give the third one to?  What if we had a whole room full of balls?  We could take them to the park and give one to every child we met!  That would sure be fun.  Remember last time we went to the park?”  And on from there.

-Tell them when they CAN have/do what they want

Conclusion

               The reason that I try to avoid saying stop, don’t, and no, isn’t because it will ruin a child’s self-esteem.  I do it because it’s significantly more effective than the alternatives.  And I do it because I enjoy my time with toddlers more when I’m not saying no all the time!

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Meltdowns and Tantrums

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This is the second part of my response to the mom who wrote this letter:
Hi Miss Faith,
         I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old.  We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far.  She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears.  I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad.  Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried.  Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears.  You get the idea.

         I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior. 

Hi again-

          Today I'll write some about dealing with meltdowns and tantrums.  I'll talk first about meltdowns from over-stimulation, then I'll get on to what you're talking about in your letter.  I've seen a lot of popular literature that suggests walking away, time-outs, taking away toys or privileges, etc.  But I don't agree with most of them.  I think that meltdowns and tantrums are generally a cry for more support, and so withdrawing your love/attention/support is the last thing that your a child needs.  However, "support" can take many different forms, and giving in to children over and over again, or "doing anything" to placate them, is NOT giving support to a child.  Supporting them means helping them learn how to regulate themselves and their emotions.  So how can you provide the support that a child needs in order to minimize meltdowns and tantrums?

Over-Stimulation Meltdowns

          Often, meltdowns and tantrums are a child showing you that he or she is overstimulated, tired, hungry, or uncomfortable.  The obvious answer, of course, is to try and keep your child well-rested and well-fed, and don't go to the grocery store right before naptime.  However, despite our best efforts, these things happen.  If you are out shopping, for example, and you can see a meltdown starting to brew, our instinct is to rush as much as possible, to try and get out before the storm breaks.  However, children have a very low tolerance for rushing, especially when they're tired or hungry.  Instead, try this:  "You look like you're really ready to go.  I can see that!  You wish we were going home right now.  Let's find a quiet place to snuggle for a few minutes."  Find a corner or a bench or somewhere where you can take your child onto your lap and just pour some love and support into him.  This undivided attention helps your child reconnect with you, and gives him the space he needs to regulate himself.  You might tell him how much you love him, or tell him a story about when you were a little girl and used to go shopping with your mom; anything to let him know that all of your attention is on him, and you are there, creating a safe space for him, within your arms.  After a few minutes, when you feel him start to relax against you, you can say, "That was a really nice snuggle.  In just a minute I'll put you back into the cart, we'll get our last few things, then we'll stand in line, we'll pay for our food, and we'll go out to the car and drive home.  Are you ready for that?"  By being very specific about how things are going to go, you can help him prepare himself for the rest of the trip.  Usually then a child will be ready to face the world again; if he's not, give him a few more minutes of love, with the feeling that there's all the time in the world.  When it's actually time to move on, use a nursery rhyme or song for your transition, instead of talking or convincing.  I love the rhyme/song "One, two, buckle my shoe," because it's very rhythmic and quite long.

Regular Whininess/Meltdowns

          On the other hand, sometimes when a child is going through the process of individuation (like the child of the mother in the letter above), a child can't agree with you on anything.  Nothing is right, everything becomes a struggle.  In this case, again you want to form a strong, supportive boundary around her, to help her learn to regulate herself.

          First, it's good to know that while children are going through growth-spurts they often need more sleep than they needed in the past, so try putting her to bed half an hour earlier.  

          Next, you want to empathize with her while at the same time teach her how to express her dissatisfaction in a way that is acceptable (this is an important part of self-regulating). Teaching her how to express herself in a way that's acceptable generally involves saying what you wish she were saying, in the tone that you wish she were saying it in.  If you remind her that it's time to get dressed and she screams "No!"  You might say, "Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet."  Most of the time, a child will repeat your words, in exactly the tone you use.  It's amazing how a child can go from an angry tone to a pleasant one in an instant, through imitation.  And it's amazing how well it works.  If she doesn't, you can repeat, "You can say, 'Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet.'"  Don't force her to say it, just let her know what's expected.  Most of the time it works, like magic.  Then you can respond.  "Oh really?  It looks like you're having a fun time playing, huh.  What are you playing?"  Then matter-of-factly start getting out her clothes and help her dress while she's telling you.  Children are often fine doing something that they've been saying "no" to, if you just stop talking about it.  Remember, children often need your physical/emotional support to do tasks that they are capable of doing alone on their best days, probably until they are five or even later.

          When your child asks for something and then it's not what she wanted/expected, there are a couple of things that can help.  For example, with the raisins:  you offer them, and she cries, "No, no!  Not those raisins!"  You say, in a pleasant voice, "Mommy, not those raisins, please."  She may or may not repeat.  You say, "Oh, you want different raisins?  Tell me!"  She says, "Other raisins."  You know that there are no other raisins, but you don't say that.  Instead, you say, "I don't know if there are any others.  Let's go down and look in the cupboard together."  Often, getting a child into motion is enough to diffuse a situation and move out of "No" land.  Motion works better than words.  But if nothing will soothe her and she begins to cry, don't try explaining.  Don't tell her that there are no other raisins, don't tell her that all the raisins are the same, don't try to bribe her with something else.  Simply be compassionate.  "You wished you could have the raisins you want, but there are none.  That's a big disappointment."  Give her a hug, and after a moment, move on.

But It's Hard!
          Yes, it is absolutely hard work to keep your pleasant demeanor when your child is being whiny, or disrespectful, or demanding, over and over again.  It is hard to model the pleasant tone/behavior that you want her to imitate, especially if she's pushing your buttons.  So what to do?
          One thing I do when a child feels challenging is this:  a child exhibits a challenging behavior (such as demanding raisins and then crying because they're not what she wanted).  I take a deep breath and imagine stepping backwards into what I refer to as my "Goddess Space."  I know/imagine that my back-space is filled with the Goddess spirit, and when I step backwards into it, I reconnect with that energy.  When I'm there, I can dis-connect from the things that push my buttons.  I don't have to take things personally.  From the Goddess Space I can see what this child needs in order to grow, and what kind of support she needs in order to learn to regulate herself.  And often, then, I can do it from a place of compassion.  

Full-Blown Tantrums

          Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't head off a tantrum.  In that case, it's time to step into your Goddess Space again.  Again, you want to provide compassionate support for your child.  I usually do this in two ways:  first, I do it by imagining that I'm setting an energy-field around the child.  It is like a soft, firm wall that keeps her safe.  Second, I think to her, "I see that you are out of control, but I am here, and I will keep you safe and help you learn how to stay in control of yourself."  I don't say this out loud, buy I think it.  Then I will sit quietly nearby, thinking these thoughts and waiting for her to calm down enough to be comforted.  If the tantrum goes on for more than a few minutes, I can tell that my presence is not calming, so I will go into another room or another part of the room, and begin doing other things.  "I'm going to wash the dishes,"  I'll tell her, "But when you're ready for hugs and kisses, I'll be ready too."  Then I'll go and wash the dishes, but I'm still surrounding her with my protective energy.  Usually this is enough to help a child begin to calm down.  When a child sees that you are calm and supportive even when she is out of control, it helps her feel secure.

Good luck!  And don't worry if you can't find that Goddess Space every time.  Each new meltdown is a new opportunity to practice it. 

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Whiny Meltdowns

Hi Miss Faith,

         I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old.  We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far.  She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears.  I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad.  Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried.  Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears.  You get the idea.

         I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior. 

Dear Mom,

          I'm currently out of town at a conference but will write a full response soon.  My experience is that some kids have a hard time at 2, and others have a hard time at 3.  It's usually one or the other, but it comes as a rough surprise to the parents of three-year-olds who thought they had gotten through the twos scott-free!  So just know that it's part of her process of coming into herself:  discovering that she's separate from you, that she has her own opinions, that she suddenly has big feelings but has very little impulse control. I have some ideas of things you can do to help things go more smoothly, but just know that this is probably just as uncomfortable for her as it is for you.  Let her know by your attitude and your actions that you have compassion for her in this difficult time, and that you will help her learn to regulate herself so that the two of you can be in loving relationship again, enjoying your time together.

          I'll write more later, but I just wanted to give you a first piece to work with.  Not an easy piece, but a necessary one!  Hang in there, mama!  Your sweet girl will return; she just has some important things to learn first.

 

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Responding to Drama

Dear Miss Faith,
        I have two daughters, four-and-a-half and two-and-a-half.  Whenever my littler one takes something, or 'hurts' my older daughter she is very dramatic in her response.  She makes it seem like it's the end of the world!  Any suggestions for being compassionate, but not encouraging such a reaction?  Is there any way to discourage it? 
Thank, K.L.


Dear K.L.,
        First, cue your older daughter to say something more appropriate to the little one:  "You can tell her, 'please don't hit me!'"  And really start working with your little one on listening to requests to stop (see my last post on social interactions).  Your older daughter may not feel like she needs to put up such a show if it's clear that you're helping the little one learn how to act appropriately and that it's not "all right" just because she's little; she's learning how to touch with gentle hands!
        In the meantime, how to react to your daughters reactions.  Our tendency is to tell her to stop over-reacting, or to minimize what happened to show her how unimportant it was, but I suspect that the more you try to minimize it, the louder she gets.  In my experience, kids are often overly dramatic for two reasons:
first, they want more attention from you, or second, they have a melancholic temperament.  Or both.  If a child is simply wanting more attention from you, you can give it to them in a way that still empowers them to solve the issues on their own, by using humor.  If your two-year-old hits your four-year-old and your older child starts wailing, "She hit me!"  You can respond by going WAY over the top. "Oh no!  Stop right there!  Are you bleeding????  Don't move, don't move.  I'll call the ambulance right away!!!"  This allows her to
suddenly become the "bigger" person and tell you that it's really not so bad.  Or she just starts laughing and is distracted, which is also fine.  If your two-year-old "ruins" the older child's drawing, you might look at her tragically.  "Ohhhhh nnnnooooo.  That is now ruined for good.  We'll have to get a coffin and bury it in the back yard, don't you think?"  Really play it up for her.

        On the other hand, your child might be over-reacting because she has a melancholic temperament.  Melancholics feel things very deeply.  They have a strong sense of justice, and they feel any perceived injustice very deeply.  If this is your child, she will NOT like it when you use humor.  In that case, she's getting loud because what she wants from you is understanding.  Instead of trying to minimize or distract, let
her know that you really understand.  "Wow.  You were just sitting there and little Addie came up and hit you.  That's no fair!  YOU know that hitting's not allowed, but she's too little and she just hit
you!"  Look right into her eyes, and ask sincerely,  "Are you ok?"  It makes no difference that you know that she couldn't possibly have been hurt. When you show your understanding of the injustice of it all, she can relax again, and nod.  "Oh, I'm SO glad," you say, giving her a hug. "Addie is lucky to have a big sister like you, who knows how things should be."  If your bigger kid is up for it, you might even 'brainstorm' with her.  "What should we do to help her learn?"  If she doesn't have any ideas, you could chip in,  "I know!  If you are playing with something and she comes up, you cold give her another toy so she doesn't try to take yours!  Do you think that would work?"  In this way, you can help give her some ideas of other ways to react.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Bullying/Sibling Rivalry

Dear Miss Faith,
 I am looking for suggestions to help with some fairly severe sibling rivalry. This is a preschool-aged old boy towards his young-toddler sister, in a family which I visit with regularly and care about deeply.  Thank you, M.
Dear M,
          How frustrating for you to see two children you care about being unkind!  Kudos to you for looking to take some action to help this family.  When you are with the children, are the parents present or not present?  Are they at your house, or are you at their house?  These things will all come into play.  One book I like a lot is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Is it possible for mom (and/or you) to spend some time with each child alone every few days or at least each week? 
          For short-term strategy, here are some ideas; you can announce one day that there is a new rule in your house: everyone must touch with gentle hands.  Show everyone what touching with gentle hands means (at Rainbow Bridge it means kind of stroking your friends on the arm), and have everyone practice.  "Yes, that's it!  Now you know how to touch with gentle hands!"  Notice out loud anytime you see someone touching someone else gently.  And if anyone forgets to touch with gentle hands, show sadness that they forgot, and send them immediately to get the Healing Stone (or the Healing Cloth, or an ice pack, or whatever you wish; keep it in a special place that only comes out when someone gets hurt), and touch it to the child who is hurt.  Then find some good work for those hands: tidying some blocks, wiping the table, etc.  You do this "good work" with him, then thank him for his help, give him a hug, and he can go play again.  It's not a punishment, it's just helping him learn what is appropriate to do with his hands.

           In long-term strategy, you want to be calling out the archetype of the Knight in this little boy:  someone who is strong and good, and who helps those who are weaker than he is.  You might start telling a story about a boy who wants to be a knight when he grows up, but nobody thinks he could be.  But he knows he can do it.  He starts exploring what a knight is like, and doing all the things a knight does.  First he works to become very strong, then he starts to rescue people and animals who needed help, and finally he starts to help all those who are smaller and weaker than he is.  Everyone starts to wonder at the changes that have come.  Maybe he could become a knight after all!  Then one day when he's helping someone, the King happens to see it, and he calls the boy to him and honors him, and makes him into a Knight-in-Training.  You could either do this as one story that you tell again and again, or you could make it an ongoing story, that starts out the same way each time (introducing the boy and his desires) and telling a different "adventure" each time of how he helps someone, and this could go on for several months before the King ever notices him.

           In the meantime, start asking more from this little boy, and call out the best in him.  Ask him to help you with things, then ask him to do tasks for you while your hands are full but you're watching, and finally start asking him to help other children when the children ask you for help.  Notice how strong he is, how helpful he is, and start appreciating those traits in him.  If he starts having a new image to live into, he might be able to start moving away from being the Bad Big Brother who everyone is angry at all the time.

           It can be so hard to turn things around when we get stuck in negative patterns, so be patient and tenacious.  And good luck!

Warmly,

Faith

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The Value of Saying "No"

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         One thing that dramatically affects how much we enjoy the company of a child is how they react when they ask for something and are told “no.” Being able to handle disappointment gracefully is a very advanced skill, and one that doesn't necessarily come easily or naturally. Nevertheless, having that skill is something that will really serve these little people as they go through life, and will make our enjoyment of them that much richer. So what can we do as parents and caregivers to help children develop this skill?

Avoiding "No"

          Children under two (or even 2 ½) have very little control over their emotions. So the best thing you can do is to avoid establishing negative patterns of tantrums, whining, etc. that will be hard to break when they're older. Ironically, one of the best ways to do this is to avoid saying “no” as much as possible. One of your biggest tools in this area will be to have a strong daily rhythm. When kids know exactly how things will go, they are much less likely to resist what's going on or want something different.

          Even with a strong rhythm in place, however, kids at this age want things all the time that they can't have. So how can you say “no” without saying “no”? At this age, the answer is re-direction. Something more easily said than done, right? Well, here's a re-direction technique that I use all the time. It takes some work, but it's worth it. The thing to do is to say “yes” in imagination, and then take them on an imaginary journey that ends somewhere else. Here's one example I used with a mom just the other day:

Your little boy wants a toy airplane that his older brother is playing with. He winds up to start throwing a fit. You say to him, “You really want that airplane. You want it RIGHT NOW! You LOVE airplanes, and you hate waiting!” Say it really emphatically, so that he knows you 'get it.' You might have to say it a few times. When he's paying attention to you, you can say, “If I had another airplane, I'd give it to you right now.” (you're saying yes in your imagination.) “If you had an airplane RIGHT NOW, what would you do with it?” He looks at you quizzically. You go on, “If you had that airplane RIGHT NOW, I bet you'd fly it all around the house. What room would you fly it into?” Pause for a moment to let him think about it, then go on, “I bet you'd fly it into the livingroom. Vrrroooommmm! You'd go around the coffee table, the around the couch. Then you'd fly it past the diningroom table! Vrrooommm!” Continue in this vein, taking him on an imaginary journey until you can tell he's really into it. Then change the direction slightly. “Then you'd fly it past the cat! Do you think she'd like that?” Pause and watch him, then answer: “No! Kitty doesn't like airplanes at all! If she saw you going by, she might run away and hide!” Then, “In fact, where is kitty? Do you think she's hiding in the livingroom right now? Let's go find her!”

Like I said, this technique takes some work, but the more you practice it, the better you get. If you can use this type of distraction and re-direction, you can limit how often you say “no” to your child. And by the way, with a little finesse, this technique can work with older kids as well. It's time to leave a play-date at the park and your four-year-old doesn't want to. “You want to stay here forever? OK!” (saying yes in imagination). “That would be funny! What would you eat for dinner? You could ask the squirrels if they would share their nuts with you! And where would you sleep?” Look around. “I know! You could sleep underneath the tire-swing. You could make a big pile of wood chips and burrow into it, just like a little mouse.” You get the picture.

Saying "No"

          By the time kids are approaching three, they've usually figured out what works to get you to change your mind when you say “no.” Maybe throwing tantrums has worked well for them. Maybe if they whine long enough you get tired and give in. Or, they'll explain and explain why you should change your mind, wearing you down until you do change your mind, or they end up in tears.  So how to establish good habits around reacting to being told "no"?

          I know I go against popular culture here, but I believe that children do not benefit from lengthy discussions of why they can't have what they want. A simple explanation is fine, but after that it simply draws out the bad feelings of being told “no,” and keeps them from moving on. And in practical terms, it greatly increases the amount of time the two of you spend disagreeing with one another. Helping your child to accept “no” gracefully, and move on, will benefit you both. So how do you do that? Well, if your child is used to lengthy explanations, it will take some time and effort to change that pattern.  Be patient and don't give up.

          Use Humor. When a child asks for something that they know they can't have, don't give them a long explanation about how they know they can't have cookies before dinner. Don't even be disapproving. From their perspective, it was worth a try, right? So simply laugh while you say no. “No.....Silly girl!” And give her a smooch.  You don't even have to remind her that she can have one cookie after dinner, just like always. She knows.

          Be Matter-of-Fact. Kids often take their emotional cues from us, so watch your tone.  When a child asks for a sugar cereal in the grocery store, a cheerful "Nope!" or “Not today,” is surprisingly effective, especially if you follow it up with a comment leading them in a different direction. You don't need to explain about how sugar cereals are bad for you, how they'll rot your teeth or give you a tummy ache. The less discussion you give it, the faster they can move on. Note: if you have traditionally changed your mind after pleading or nagging in the past, your child will take awhile to change his response. But if you practice, and are consistent that once you've said “not today” you don't change your mind, your child will learn to accept this without question unless it feels really important to him. I say “not today” at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and the children simply accept it and move on. It is part of our culture there.

          Be Empathetic. Sometimes I'll say “not today,” and a child will burst into tears. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and take them into my arms. “Wow, you really wanted to do that, huh?” I'll say. “You thought I'd say yes, but then I said no instead.” They'll nod tearfully. Now, at this point there's a huge urge to either 1) explain why they can't get what they want, 2) bargain with them/bribe them with replacement items, or 3) give in. Put all of those urges on hold, and simply give them some love, instead. “I love you sooo much.” Give a kiss on the top of the head, and start humming a song as you rock back and forth. Stay with them as long as they need, simply pouring in the love without trying to solve anything. They are learning to handle disappointment, and that's a big task! In a minute or two, they'll calm down. “Would you like to help me unload the dishwasher?” you might ask.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Why I Don't Use "Sorry"

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I don't have children use the word “Sorry” at Rainbow Bridge. The reason for this is that what we want from the word sorry is very complex: something along the lines of “I feel bad about what I did, I hope you're not hurt too badly, and I'll try my best not to do it again.” All of that in one word? The kids who come to my house using the word Sorry rarely seem to be saying any of that when they use the word; it's simply what you're supposed to say when you hurt someone. It usually comes out quickly and with little emotion behind it.


Young children live primarily in the will, so instead of words, I have them go straight to action when they hurt someone. After comforting the child who's hurt, I help the aggressor think of what they can do to help the other child feel better. If they push a child who falls down and bumps their head, they can run and get an ice-pack for the other child (or we'll all go to get it together, but I'll hand it to them to give to the hurt child). If a child is hurt less badly, I'll suggest that they help rub the other child's back. Sometimes, especially if they hit or bit the other child, the hurt child doesn't want the perpetrator to touch them yet. In that case I'll suggest that they find a toy that the hurt child might like. Once the child who's crying has calmed down some, then I might move to words, depending on how verbal the aggressor is (usually around age 2 ½ or older). I'll say, “It looks like she's feeling a little bit better. Why don't you ask her, 'Will you be OK?'” Usually the child responds with a yes or a nod. Then, especially if I can tell they feel bad, I'll suggest that they say, “I didn't mean to hurt you.” This seems much more specific and relevant than the word “sorry” to me. And, regardless of the circumstances, I think children usually do not mean to hurt one another. Yes, they may have hit the other child, but it seems like it almost always comes as a surprise when the other child bursts into tears as a result. Children at this age are just following their impulses, and they have to learn through repeated experience what the effects of those impulses are, before they can learn to control them.

If the aggressor is old enough (usually starting at age 3 ½ or so), I'll follow the whole experience up with a brief conversation where I'll ask them what happened leading up to the incident, and we'll brainstorm together on what alternatives they might have used. If they wanted a toy that another child had, they could ask if they could use it when they're done, or they could offer something else as a trade. If the other child was trying to take their toy, they could say 'you can use it when I'm done,' or give another toy to that child. If a child wouldn't get out of their way, they could say 'excuse me' or move around the child. If a child was throwing sand on them, they could say, 'please stop throwing sand.'

And always, I strive to remember that children are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Learning to interact with words is a very complex skill, one that takes several years (or, for some of us, a lifetime!) to learn. We caretakers are here to help teach them these skills, and then help them practice again and again and again.
 
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Being Firm Without Being Mean

I've talked before about how it benefits children when we have clear expectations and firm boundaries, and how it is reassuring to children to know that we are in charge. I've talked about how having regular schedules and doing things the same way each time can help cut down on discipline issues and allow children to develop expertise. But even when we do all of these things, issues are bound to arise. One of the main tasks of the toddler is to establish their own opinions.

A mother came to me last spring to ask advice. Lately, when they had been getting dressed in the morning, her 2 ½ year old daughter wouldn't allow them to put socks on her. Mom, who was home with her all day, thought they should pick their battles and wanted to let her go barefoot in her shoes. Dad said that it was important for her to know they were in charge, and once he'd said she had to wear socks, he couldn't back down. He had tried reasoning, bribing, and finally resorted to manhandling her to put her socks and shoes on. The whole thing had taken twenty minutes and involved lots of tears. What was my opinion?

The first piece of my response is that while it is important for everybody to feel like you are the one in charge, that doesn't mean that you can't take her opinion into account. So if you tell her she has to put socks on and she puts up a fight, you might say, “Oh! I can see you don't want to put your socks on. Why don't you try asking me politely: 'Dad, please no socks!'” When she manages to ask politely, you can consider her request. “That was nice asking. I think it would be OK for you to have bare feet today.” On the other hand, if it's snowy and cold, you might respond, “I heard your nice asking, but it's a snowy day. We will all wear socks today.” Sometimes, just feeling like their opinion has been heard will be enough to diffuse the situation. More likely, however, tears will ensue. At this point, many adults make the mistake of trying to reason with their child, pointing out the temperature, talking about the importance of warmth, etc. But reasoning almost never works at this point; it can even have the opposite effect and send tears into a tantrum. When you've said no to something, just be compassionate for a moment. “That's a disappointment, isn't it.” Give her a hug. Really acknowledge her feelings, and then move on, using humor and a little imagination.

You might try something like this: “This ssssock iss a sssslithery ssssnake! He'ssss ssseeking ssssomething to eat! Sssssssssss! The sock-snake probably won't go straight for the foot. He might try to eat a book, then the bed-post, then it finds the foot. “Sssay, sssausssage! Delicioussss!” And the snake may be able to eat up that fat sausage, and the day can go on. But maybe he comes up to the foot, and she remembers and pulls her foot back. The snake's 'head' bows down. “Ohh, the ssssnake is ssssooo ssssad!” The snake shakes his head sadly, and peeks up at her. She's smiling a little smile. “Pleassssse, says the sssnake! PLEASSSSE sssend me the sssausssage!” Maybe she sends her foot his way. If she doesn't, it's time to take more drastic action. Put the sock on over your hand and swoop down and swing her up. “This snake is starving! He's gobbling you all up!!!!” Fall onto the bed with her, kissing her and nuzzling her into helpless laughter. While she's laughing, slip that sock on. Then immediately pick her up and move on into a different room. As you're leaving the bedroom, you might say, “Wow, that was sure a hungry snake! I'm hungry too! Let's see what's for breakfast.”

The most important lesson in all of this is that when children don't want to do something, don't try to 'change their minds' through reason. You can't use reason to change an emotion, and they don't WANT to. Instead, meet the emotion with understanding, then work to bring up a different emotion using imagination and wit. When this other emotion is going you can usually do the action that they were protesting, without talking about it. If you're tired and hungry yourself, and you can't come up with the imaginative forces to turn that sock into a snake, there is the simpler (although less effective and less joyful) method of saying, “I see that you're not ready to put your socks on yet. We can put them on in a minute or two.” Then after a couple of minutes, don't discuss anything, just matter-of-factly put them on your lap and start pulling the socks on, while talking about something else altogether. Children who are loving the word “No!” will often let you do things without words that they will vehemently disagree with if you ask them verbally.

These are techniques that I use all the time with the toddlers in my care. By keeping my compassion intact and my imaginative forces strong, I am able to move through the day with relatively few battles of will. And sometimes I see how strongly a child feels about something, and I change my mind. But even then, children can rest in the assurance that I'm the one who is making the decision.

The Value of Rules

We often think that the rules we impose on kids are something which benefits us, their caregivers. We know they're necessary to keep our sanity, but when we're feeling good we often don't bother to enforce them, because we don't feel like we need them at that moment and we may even feel a little bit guilty about imposing them. But I'd like to suggest the idea that in fact, rules benefit our children even more than they benefit us.

How can this be? Well, remember that for our children, we create the world that they live in. A world with clear expectations and clear boundaries is so much easier and more enjoyable to live in. And isn't that what rules are: expectations and boundaries? Just think of the last time you traveled to a foreign country you'd never been to before. You have to be "on" all the time, because you don't know what to expect, or what people expect from you. So the clearer and more consistent we can be with our expectations and our boundaries, the more our children can relax into the world. I read a wonderful quote the other day in the book The Family Virtues Guide, which I will review in a few weeks. It talked about how not providing clear expectations and boundaries for a child is like a person without a job description. "Imagine yourself on a job in which your supervisor walks in the first day and says, 'Do a good job,' but fails to give you a job description. How is this different from parents who want their children to "be good," but give them no guidelines?" (p27).

What happens when expectations aren't clear, or boundaries aren't enforced consistently? It creates anxiety. Instead of being able to relax into knowing "how the world works," children must constantly watch you and try to gauge your mood to see where the boundaries might lie at any given moment. When the boundaries move around, children are forced to test where they are, again and again and again. Not because they're trying to annoy you, but because they MUST know where the boundaries are.  Why?  I like to think of it like a ship in the ocean: when the depths of the sea are consistent, the ship can sail at full speed. But coming in to rocky shoals, everyone on board must be on "high alert," and sailors must do coninuous soundings in order not to run aground. Children may seem like they want the boundaries to shift, because they push against them, but they're just pushing against them to make sure that they know where they are, and how firm they are. If our boundaries are consistent enough, our children can relax and sail full speed ahead, only stopping every now and then to test the waters.

So, does this mean that we can never change our routines, never relax and let things slide "just this once?" No, it doesn't mean that, but there are ways that we can do it so that children don't feel like the sands are shifting beneath their feet. First, try to do it as little as possible. Then, when you do alter the rules, announce quite clearly how things usually go, and what's going to happen this time, and for how long. For example, one day we were having a picnic lunch outside at Rainbow Bridge, when a child blew bubbles in his water. Now, I'm not morally opposed to children blowing bubbles in their water, but with a group of ten children ages 1-5, that's like setting a spark to tinderbox. Normally I would squash this right away. But it was sunny and breezy, and I was in a good mood. So I announced, "Normally, our water is just for drinking. But today it will be OK for you to blow bubbles in your water. You can blow bubbles today, but tomorrow at snack things will be just like normal, and we'll all use our water just for drinking again." The kids had a blast blowing bubbles and fooling around. At the end of the meal I said, "That was sure fun. What a treat to do that one time. Tomorrow we will drink our water again."

The next day, just as snack was starting, I said, "We had such a fun time yesterday, but today we are drinking our water, just like usual." And do you think they sat quietly and drank their water? NO! As soon as it was passed out, someone tried blowing bubbles. How could they not? The boundaries had shifted, and they needed to know where they were. So I quickly and firmly said, "That water is just for drinking. You can drink it quietly, or I will keep it by me until you're ready." Then another child tried it, and another. I took one cup away, and that was the end. After a moment I asked if she was ready to drink her water, and she was. At the next meal, nobody tried again. They knew things were back to normal.

So, was it worth it? Maybe. The older kids remembered that day for a long time. They would reminisce about it often, and they would sometimes ask if we could do it again. I would smile fondly and shake my head. "That was a fun day, wasn't it," I'd say.

Hard Mornings

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Q: My four and a half year old has suddenly turned into a raging grouch in the mornings: won't do anything I say, screams at us, sometimes throws full-blown fits. He often calms down after he has breakfast, but not always. What can we do to calm things down?

A: My first question would be, is he getting enough sleep? 4-5 year olds still need at least 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If he has recently stopped napping, you'll need to compensate with an earlier bedtime. Also, children who are sleep-deprived often have a hard time falling asleep, and wake up early. Remember, sleep begets sleep, so try moving his bedtime half an hour earlier, and see if that helps.

My second thought is that he might be going through a growth spurt, so he has low blood sugar when he wakes up. The fact that he often calms down after breakfast supports this idea. A couple ideas here: first, try to give him a substantial snack before bed. Something like oatmeal can be warm and calming as a bedtime snack. Or a cup of warm milk, or a banana. Next, try having some food ready for him as soon as he wakes up, already set up at the table on a pretty placemat.

Third, if you've fallen into a pattern of negative interactions in the morning, you'll need to shift things around in order to change the energy of the situation. Does he wake up on his own? If so, when he comes out of his room, you might try saying gently: “Oh, I'm glad to see that you're awake! Come sit on my lap and eat this banana while I read you this story.” Being warm and snuggly on your lap without having to interact much directly is a nice way to wake up. When I have children in my care waking up, I will bring them onto my lap and brush their hair gently. I often spray the brush with Rosemary-water, which is gently invigorating. As I do this, I will talk about what I was doing while they were asleep, and what we'll be doing for the rest of the afternoon. This is a very gentle description, using lots of imagery and not expecting any answers until they're ready.

If he starts to fall into the belligerent behavior, your can tell him, firmly but still lovingly: “Please ask me again, in a respectful tone of voice.” If he's unable to do that yet, you might say, “I can see you're really hungry. I bet after you eat your breakfast, you'll be ready to speak respectfully.” If he's falling apart because he's having a hard time waking up and has low blood sugar, then walking away from bad behavior won't be very effective, as he'll be unable to self-regulate until he's had some food. So something I use in situations like that is this: I'll say, “Wow, you're having a tough time. I'm going to give you a big hug, and when I'm done, you can sit down quietly and eat your breakfast.” Then I'll give the child a big, soft, enveloping hug, pouring as much love into him as possible. I might even whisper “I love you so much.” Getting a hug and love at a time when they're acting unlovable is often just what a child needs in order to calm himself if they're tired or overwhelmed. Then I'll pull back a little, look at him, and say lovingly, “Are you ready to sit down at the table now?” Usually I'll get a quiet nod.