Help Getting to Sleep

Hello,

My question is about my 20 month old and sleep. My daughter usually takes several hours to get to sleep no matter what. I really feel she doesn't get enough sleep, and she is often exhausted but cannot seem to stop wiggling. She has always had a great deal of trouble sleeping, she is very active, smart, and has been overly alert since birth. She is quite sensitive to noise etc. but fine otherwise. I keep her routine as predictable as I can...esp around sleep times...and I make sure she plays outside for a while each day, but it seems she needs to much more to get to sleep. I am exhausted and a bit worried because we have a new baby coming soon.

ANY suggestions are appreciated. We have and continue to explore food allergies, sensory issues (i believe that is a contributing factor), we have a homeopath, have seen crainiosacral therapists etc. etc.

-Laura

Hi Laura,

Oh my gosh, what a challenge for you guys.  It sounds like you're doing a lot of the things I would suggest, and how frustrating that none of it seems to work consistently.

I am currently reading a book that I am LOVING, and might be just what you need.  It is called "Sleepless in America:  Practical Strategies to Help Your Family Get the Sleep it Deserves," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.  I'm only about half way through, but so far I've agreed with just about everything that she's said.  She talks about how when children are sleep-deprived, their bodies emit stress hormones, which make it much harder to get to sleep.  She talks about teaching children how to relax their bodies, and she gives lots of tips on how to minimize stress levels throughout the day, and how to approach bedtime.  She's not a cry-it-out proponent.  Her book is not focused on toddlers specifically, but she does address the issue of children who have always been jumpy and had trouble sleeping.

Setting the Mood

From my personal experience, the thing that I've found that makes the most difference is the lead-up to bedtime.  I dim the lights, pull the curtains, and start talking in a very soft voice, walking very softly, helping the children 'wind-down.'  I actually don't tell or read a story, because I find them to be more stimulating than calming for many kids.  I make the sleep-room VERY dark, and have the lights already out when we tiptoe in and slip into bed.  I start by rubbing backs as I sing a lullaby (I sing the same one over and over, gradually getting slower and softer, till I'm humming, then I finally drop silent.  I lie down on the floor next to the children, and I doze off.  They can almost never resist that.

Help Their Fingers

For children who have trouble falling asleep, I have a few tricks that have worked.  One is that I've noticed that lots children keep themselves awake through their fingers.  Their fingers wander around, touching and exploring, poking themselves in the face, etc.  With those children, I'll often have them lie with both hands on their stomach, and I'll put my hand(s) over theirs, and say, "Now it's time for your hands to go to sleep.  They can lie there quietly and listen to me sing."  Sometimes I'll even take each of her hands and surround it with one of mine, to help them sleep. 

Wrap Them Up

Another thing I've tried which has worked like magic with some kids, and not so well with others, is to wrap them up fairly tight (like swaddling).  It can help them with wiggling, and makes them feel secure, but largely I think it helps them keep those little fingers still, without me having to do it for them.  To set the stage for this, start telling a story about a caterpillar who was so sleepy, and how he wrapped himself in a cocoon blanket, and when he woke, he had transformed into a beautiful butterfly.  Tell it for a few days, then one day say, "I know!  You can be like that caterpillar, and turn into a butterfly, too!"  Then get a blanket that's about the size of a large couch-throw, and with her arms at her side, wrap her fairly tightly in this special cocoon blanket Lie her down on the bed and rub her head or her body (not both; see which works better for her) while you sing to her.  When she wakes up, comment on how she has become like butterfly!  I know one LifeWays care provider who does this with all of the children in her program, and she says that it has changed the entire naptime experience.

Absorb Busy Energy

The third thing I do is to absorb 'busy' energy, and emit 'sleepy' energy.  I start doing this when I dim the lights while we're getting ready, and then I have a specific technique when they're falling asleep.  I find this to be very effective, because I don't get so annoyed when the kids are doing something (like not going to sleep).  I've found that kids have a VERY hard time falling asleep when I'm annoyed at them; I guess it makes sense that it's hard for a child to relax when there's somebody tense next to her.  Anyhow, the way I do it when they're falling asleep is by rubbing the child's back.  I start out rubbing quite firmly, and imagine all of her 'busy' energy flowing out of her body up into my arm.  I imagine that I'm doing the moving FOR her, so she doesn't have to wiggle around herself.  All of that wiggly energy that's trapped inside her can flow into my hand and up my arm.  As I feel her busy energy emptying out of her, I let my hand get slower and softer.  I start imagining sleepy energy pouring out of my arm and into her.  If I get slower and she starts to wriggle around, I get a little more firm and pull more of that energy out, then slow down again (you can do this technique with the cocoon or without).  As her body starts to relax, I get slower and slower, until my hand is still and heavy, with sleepy energy flowing into her.  When she's breathing regularly and not moving around, I slowly make my hand lighter, lifting a hair with each in-breath, until it's hovering a few inches above her, and then I allow my hand to radiate a blessing of sleep out over her, casting a protective 'net' that stays over her while she sleeps and keeps her from waking up from noises.  I've taught this energy technique to two assistants, and they've both noticed an improvement when they used it.  The main key is that you absorb 'busy' energy, and you send out 'sleepy' energy. 

Good luck!  Sleep is such a tricky issue, because everyone's patience is impaired by lack of sleep (your daughter's, your husband's, and yours).  I find that i have almost immeasurable patience if I get 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep per night, but my patience gets shorter much quickly if I get much less. Do order that book from the library if you can, I'd love to hear if it is helpful as well.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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When I'm Low Energy

Lavender Foot-Baths

When I am in full health, and have gotten enough sleep, I LOVE my time with children.  But when I don't get enough sleep, or I have a headache, or a cold, or medicine is making me groggy, the amount of energy it takes to care for children just seems beyond my capabilities.  And yet there they are, as rambunctious as ever.



Take Care of Miss Faith Day
          On days when I feel wiped out, I implement "Take Care of Miss Faith" days.  I lower the lights.  I pull the curtains.  When the children come in, I tell them in a soft voice, "Today's gong to be a quiet day.  Today will be a day when YOU take care of ME!"  I lie down on the couch, or in the cozy corner that's loaded with lambskins and cushions.  The children bring over blankets and silks and 'tuck me in.'  They bring over the dollies and tuck them in with me.  They bring over books, and we take turns where they read one to me, then I'll read one to them.  We play the kinderharp.  We brush hair and give lavender foot-baths.  We drink warm chamomile  tea.  Take Care of Miss Faith days are days for snuggling, and they are sweet and soft.  I talk more softly, more slowly than usual.  Things I normally do myself, I ask the children to do for me, and they love to rise to the occasion.

When I first started implementing these days, it was when I had a migraine, or a close relative was seriously ill.  It seemed that the children could sense that I really needed some quiet space, and extra care.  Even the littlest ones were more quiet than usual.  But then I thought, Why not have these days a little more often?  The children are clearly capable of doing it when it's needed, and they seem to benefit from it as much as I do.  So I started having these "quiet days" more often. If it was a really rainy day, we'd turn it into a quiet day.  If we had a cold snap and we hadn't been able to play outside in five days, we'd have a quiet day.  If four parents said their kids were grumpy or sleep deprived at drop-off, we'd have a quiet day.  I'd try to do them often enough that the children would remember them, but infrequently enough that they remained unusual and special.  About once a month seemed good.

The reality is that these days still take quite a lot of energy on my part.  I can't just "check out" and let the kids run things themselves; that tends to result in chaos.  Instead, I have to use my energy to create this cozy, intimate atmosphere.  If a child forgets and becomes loud, I'll remind them that "today is a quiet day," and if they can't tone it down, I'll say, "if you need to be loud, I'd like you to do it in the other room.  Today is a day where I need quiet around me."  Because these days are so snuggly and so special, most children would rather tone it down than be left out of the special atmosphere.  But even though they still take energy (I'm still running the show, I'm just running a different show from normal), I find it to be restful and rejuvenating, and the children do, too.  Those who need extra cuddling get as many cuddles as they need, and those who wish they were a little bigger get the chance to stand tall and really help on a whole new level.  And I get to spend significant chunks of time in a semi-horizontal position, drinking tea and having children love all over me.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Responding to Drama

Dear Miss Faith,
        I have two daughters, four-and-a-half and two-and-a-half.  Whenever my littler one takes something, or 'hurts' my older daughter she is very dramatic in her response.  She makes it seem like it's the end of the world!  Any suggestions for being compassionate, but not encouraging such a reaction?  Is there any way to discourage it? 
Thank, K.L.


Dear K.L.,
        First, cue your older daughter to say something more appropriate to the little one:  "You can tell her, 'please don't hit me!'"  And really start working with your little one on listening to requests to stop (see my last post on social interactions).  Your older daughter may not feel like she needs to put up such a show if it's clear that you're helping the little one learn how to act appropriately and that it's not "all right" just because she's little; she's learning how to touch with gentle hands!
        In the meantime, how to react to your daughters reactions.  Our tendency is to tell her to stop over-reacting, or to minimize what happened to show her how unimportant it was, but I suspect that the more you try to minimize it, the louder she gets.  In my experience, kids are often overly dramatic for two reasons:
first, they want more attention from you, or second, they have a melancholic temperament.  Or both.  If a child is simply wanting more attention from you, you can give it to them in a way that still empowers them to solve the issues on their own, by using humor.  If your two-year-old hits your four-year-old and your older child starts wailing, "She hit me!"  You can respond by going WAY over the top. "Oh no!  Stop right there!  Are you bleeding????  Don't move, don't move.  I'll call the ambulance right away!!!"  This allows her to
suddenly become the "bigger" person and tell you that it's really not so bad.  Or she just starts laughing and is distracted, which is also fine.  If your two-year-old "ruins" the older child's drawing, you might look at her tragically.  "Ohhhhh nnnnooooo.  That is now ruined for good.  We'll have to get a coffin and bury it in the back yard, don't you think?"  Really play it up for her.

        On the other hand, your child might be over-reacting because she has a melancholic temperament.  Melancholics feel things very deeply.  They have a strong sense of justice, and they feel any perceived injustice very deeply.  If this is your child, she will NOT like it when you use humor.  In that case, she's getting loud because what she wants from you is understanding.  Instead of trying to minimize or distract, let
her know that you really understand.  "Wow.  You were just sitting there and little Addie came up and hit you.  That's no fair!  YOU know that hitting's not allowed, but she's too little and she just hit
you!"  Look right into her eyes, and ask sincerely,  "Are you ok?"  It makes no difference that you know that she couldn't possibly have been hurt. When you show your understanding of the injustice of it all, she can relax again, and nod.  "Oh, I'm SO glad," you say, giving her a hug. "Addie is lucky to have a big sister like you, who knows how things should be."  If your bigger kid is up for it, you might even 'brainstorm' with her.  "What should we do to help her learn?"  If she doesn't have any ideas, you could chip in,  "I know!  If you are playing with something and she comes up, you cold give her another toy so she doesn't try to take yours!  Do you think that would work?"  In this way, you can help give her some ideas of other ways to react.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Why I Don't Use "Sorry"

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I don't have children use the word “Sorry” at Rainbow Bridge. The reason for this is that what we want from the word sorry is very complex: something along the lines of “I feel bad about what I did, I hope you're not hurt too badly, and I'll try my best not to do it again.” All of that in one word? The kids who come to my house using the word Sorry rarely seem to be saying any of that when they use the word; it's simply what you're supposed to say when you hurt someone. It usually comes out quickly and with little emotion behind it.


Young children live primarily in the will, so instead of words, I have them go straight to action when they hurt someone. After comforting the child who's hurt, I help the aggressor think of what they can do to help the other child feel better. If they push a child who falls down and bumps their head, they can run and get an ice-pack for the other child (or we'll all go to get it together, but I'll hand it to them to give to the hurt child). If a child is hurt less badly, I'll suggest that they help rub the other child's back. Sometimes, especially if they hit or bit the other child, the hurt child doesn't want the perpetrator to touch them yet. In that case I'll suggest that they find a toy that the hurt child might like. Once the child who's crying has calmed down some, then I might move to words, depending on how verbal the aggressor is (usually around age 2 ½ or older). I'll say, “It looks like she's feeling a little bit better. Why don't you ask her, 'Will you be OK?'” Usually the child responds with a yes or a nod. Then, especially if I can tell they feel bad, I'll suggest that they say, “I didn't mean to hurt you.” This seems much more specific and relevant than the word “sorry” to me. And, regardless of the circumstances, I think children usually do not mean to hurt one another. Yes, they may have hit the other child, but it seems like it almost always comes as a surprise when the other child bursts into tears as a result. Children at this age are just following their impulses, and they have to learn through repeated experience what the effects of those impulses are, before they can learn to control them.

If the aggressor is old enough (usually starting at age 3 ½ or so), I'll follow the whole experience up with a brief conversation where I'll ask them what happened leading up to the incident, and we'll brainstorm together on what alternatives they might have used. If they wanted a toy that another child had, they could ask if they could use it when they're done, or they could offer something else as a trade. If the other child was trying to take their toy, they could say 'you can use it when I'm done,' or give another toy to that child. If a child wouldn't get out of their way, they could say 'excuse me' or move around the child. If a child was throwing sand on them, they could say, 'please stop throwing sand.'

And always, I strive to remember that children are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Learning to interact with words is a very complex skill, one that takes several years (or, for some of us, a lifetime!) to learn. We caretakers are here to help teach them these skills, and then help them practice again and again and again.
 
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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A Homey Home

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In this wintery time, it's easy to start feeling cooped up in your house. If you have toddlers, you're bound to feel cooped up! There are two things to do. The first is to make sure that children get outside-time every day, no matter what the weather. I'll write an article next week on how to approach that to make it feel feasible and enjoyable in snowy weather. In the meantime, the second thing to do is to work on making your house a welcoming and homey place.  When children are in a calmer space, they often respond with calmer energy.

Think about places or homes you've been to that feel warm and welcoming. Where were they? What were they like? What was it about them that made them feel especially homey? How could you make your home more like that?  I know that for myself, there are a few things that make a home feel really homey, and I use them all at Rainbow Bridge. Give these some thought and see if they apply for you, too.

Comfort, Beauty & Practicality
A home that feels really homey makes sure that each space is not only practical, but has both comfort and beauty as well. Beauty without comfort feels like a museum-space instead of a home; comfort without beauty can feel hectic and overwhelming. Do you spaces have both comfort and beauty?

Comfort—Think about comfort for yourself, and for your children. I love to use texture for comfort: lambskins are lovely for a cozy space, velvet curtains, silks, cushions and quilts are all in use all around Rainbow Bridge, and all help to make it feel comfortable. Also, make sure that your furniture is comfortable. I have a friend who has had the same couch for years. She had moved it around from house to house because it was light and easy to move, but it was so uncomfortable to sit on that nobody in her family used it. When she finally got a comfortable couch (from the thrift store; it wasn't expensive), it immediately expanded the usable space in her home and made her home more homey.  Having comfortable, usable spaces for your family can help you spread out and use your entire house, instead of only congrating in one spot.

Beauty—Make space in your home for beauty. Tacking a deep blue cloth with gold stars to the ceiling and walls over your child's bed is easy and quick, but changes the whole feel of the room. If your shelves are jammed full of stuff, try hanging an embroidered silk curtain over the whole thing; it will calm the space immediately. In book cases, make room here and there to showcase small, beautiful things that you love. Painting the walls can really change the feeling of a room. If painting a room feels overwhelming, try painting just one wall. This can often change the entire feeling, at only a fraction of the time and effort. Also, look at your child's toys and the things that are strewn around your house. Are they beautiful to look at? I love toys made out of wood, wool, silk or stone, that are beautiful in their own right.

Make it Practical—A home that is truly homey is not just beautiful, but also practical. This sometimes means giving up how we 'think' things should be, and figuring out what works, and how to do it gracefully. At Rainbow Bridge, I was convinced that I wanted a full-sized table for all of us to sit at, because I didn't like the idea of having a kid-table in my diningroom after the children left for the day. But getting a table to sit fourteen is not easy. Not only was it enormous, but I had to get three or four different kinds of chairs to fill it up. When I finally gave in to practicality and got a kid-friendly table, the space felt so much more spacious and open, I wondered why I hadn't done it earlier. Other practical ideas might include having a play-space near the kitchen, putting a low book case in the hallway for toys, etc. What would be a practical change for your house that would make your life easier, and your house more of a home?

De-Clutter
Perhaps the biggest thing you can do to make a space feel welcoming is to de-clutter. This can feel like quite a challenge with a busy life and toddlers in the house, but it makes an enormous difference in how a space feels, both for your and for your children. Here are some low-hanging fruit that can get you started de-cluttering:

Toys—Go through toys and weed out the ones that don't get used anymore. Then go through them again and put half of them into boxes so that you can rotate toys in and out of use. We do this at Rainbow Bridge, and children are always thrilled to see old 'friends' reappear. I often change toys when the seasons change, but you could also do it at a birthday time, or other holidays.

Use shelves—One great way to help keep clutter down is to have more shelf-space than you know what to do with. Have shelves by the back door with baskets for hats and mittens. Have shelves by the table to keep kid-bowls and kids-cups, and they can help set their place at the table. Have shelves in your study and put baskets on for mail, computer accessories, anything else that would normally be cluttering up your desk. If you can, get beautiful wooden book cases; to me, nothing says homey more than golden wood book cases!

Cover things up—Having twelve kids per day at Rainbow Bridge means that we have a lot of 'stuff' around. One of the ways we handle this is through the judicial use of curtains: velvet curtains cover up shelves filled with table-settings, dry goods, extra hats, you name it. We put curtains on the changing table to hide nine packs of diapers. Now when you look around, you see warm velvet instead of crowded shelves.

Hot Spots—Every house has 'hot spots': places that collect junk. Often this is near the door, or on a desk. The 'stuff' isn't likely to go away, but how can you make it feel warmer? Baskets to catch mail and papers? A beautiful iron hook for your purse? At Rainbow Bridge our cubby space was always a huge mess. I took cloth grocery-store bags and sewed a pocket on the outside of each one in beautiful cloth, and wrote each child's name on one. Now the cubbies are three neat rows of blue bags with beautiful pockets. What a different feeling! Not to mention that it's easier for parents to pack up and leave at the end of the day.

Clean as you go—Make sure that you include clean-up as an integral part of each activity you do with your child. Not “something we have to do when the activity is done,” but as a real PART of the activity. This can include helping to clean up after meals, making their bed after naps, etc. Kids love helping to put things to rights and showing that they know where everything goes, so let it be an activity that has its own value, not something that you're trying to rush through. Take a moment after the clean-up is done to reflect on a job well-done.

So, those are a few of the ideas I have.  I hope this inpires you to look at your home with fresh eyes, and make some changes, however small. I've lived in many spaces in my life, and the ones where I take the time to create a beautiful, homey space are the ones where I've been the happiest. We're going to be inside for most of the time between now and spring. Let's make our homes as homey and as welcoming as we can.

Warmly,
Faith

Framing

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In my LifeWays early childhood training, my instructor Cynthia Aldinger talked about framing: that is, thinking about what comes before and after each experience in order to help the day to flow smoothly. For example, we know we shouldn't rough-house with the kids right before bedtime, or it will be hard for them to settle down. And who can forget the the age-old, “Don't have a snack now! You'll ruin your appetite for dinner!” If you have a time of day that's often hard, and you've tried making changes but it doesn't seem to be working, try changing what comes before or after that time, instead. I experienced this myself one late spring, when I was having trouble at lunchtime with my group at Rainbow Bridge. The children just always seemed to be “fully of beans” (as my mother used to say): giggly and rowdy. Mealtimes are generally one of my favorite times of the day, but I had stopped enjoying lunchtimes at all. It seemed like I spent the entire meal reminding children to speak quietly, and sit up straight, and eat with their spoons, and only use their water for drinking, etc. etc.

Finally, I remembered the idea of framing, and I thought about how the meal was framed. The weather was quite nice, so we were playing outside before lunch, then coming in for lunch and going right back outside again until the end of the morning. There was lots of big movement outside: running and digging and bike-riding. The children knew they would be right back at it as soon as the meal was done, so there was no impetus to reign their energy in.

I knew I needed to do something to help change the energy for lunch. The next day I prepared the lunch and got everything ready to go, then I put a lid on the bowl and a towel over top. I called the children to the door, but instead of piling inside for lunch, I let them in one at a time. As each one came in, I whispered in his ear: “Tiptoe to the couch and sit down sooo quietly.” Surprised and intrigued, they did exactly what I said. When the children were all sitting down, I took a quilt and put it over all of their laps, then I sat down in a rocking chair in front of them, and did a little “puppet show” in my lap. It was a very simply two little dolls who acted out nursery rhymes as I said them, repeating each rhyme two or three times. Then the dolls went back on their shelf, and I picked up a little harp and strummed my finger across it. I took it to the couch, and I let each child play the harp, then walk to his or her seat at the table. When they were all seated, we started our lunch as usual. Wow! What a difference! The children were all calm and content, and talked and ate quietly throughout the meal. From that day forward, we did puppet shows before lunch until the end of the school-year.

Discussion Questions:
How do you see framing at work in how you put your child's day together? What changes to your routine have you made in order to affect another part of the day? What part of the day might need some tweaking right now? What ideas do you have?