Book Review: Simplicity Parenting

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Book Review

I really like the book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne, M.Ed., with Lisa M. Ross. Australian-born Payne has worked in Waldorf schools around the world as a school counselor. He has also worked as a private family counselor-therapist for the past fifteen years, and has worked with families in settings from the U.S., to London, to refugee camps in Jakarta and Cambodia.

Payne talks in his first chapter about how the children he was seeing in his family practice were exhitbiting many of the same symptoms as the children with post-traumatic stress disorder in the refugee camps. He attributes this (quite convincingly) to the pace of our daily lives that has increasingly gotten out of synch with the pace of childhood. He looks at three areas that children tend to get over-loaded: too much stuff (including food choices), too many scheduled activities, and too much information (both from media and from parents). He goes on in subsequent chapters to look at each of these areas and give practical, step-by-step advice on how we can make them more nuturing for our children.

One story that particularly interested me was when Payne described being involved in a research project looking into the efficacy of 'simplification' as a drug-free approach to ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. The group did two studies: the first involved fifty-five children from thirty-two Waldorf schools in America and Canada who scored above the 92nd percentile on the Barclay scale (the commonly accepted test for hyperactivity and inattentiveness). For these families they devised a simplification regime much like the one he outlines in his book. After four months, 68% of the children in the study went from clinically dysfunctional to clinically functional. They did the study again with different families, and got exactly the same results: 68% of the children went from above the 92nd percentile on the Barclay scale to below he 72nd percentile (within the 'normal' range). He says: "Our study counters the view that the brain's "hormonal cocktail" is entirely predetermined and fixed...What our study shows is that these chemical landscapes and drivers (homones and tendencies) can be affected by changes in a child's environment, and their lives." (p. 29). In comparing their results to drug usage, he adds what I consider to be the zinger: "...one thing that was achieved by our methods that is not measurably achieved through drugs is this: The children in our study also experienced a 36.8 percent increase in academic and cognitive ability. Such indicators are flat with the psychotoropic drugs; with Ritalin use you do not see any noticeable trough or peak in academic perfomrance." (p. 30).

Anyhow, this is a very interesting book, and well worth reading. It gives lots of good ideas, and if you only implement one or two of them, it will be well worth the purchase price.

Manners

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The Importance of Manners

The biggest single thing you can do to increase your enjoyment of the children you care for: teach them manners. I never realized how important manners were to me, until I suddenly started working in a room with nine two-year-olds. It was completely clear to me: the children who were polite were enjoyable to be around, and the children who were not polite grated on my nerves.

Not only do manners make our children more enjoyable to us, but having manners is an important skill for them to get along successfully in the world. Pleases, Thank Yous, and Excuses Me's are the lubricants that help social interactions run smoothly. Stopping to ask someone who's crying if they're alright is not only polite, but it helps develop empathy. Learning how to ask for help in ways that people want to say “Yes” to, is a skill that will serve the children in your care for the rest of their lives. Many people are lax with teaching young children and manners, especially with two-year-olds. I'm not sure why this is; perhaps they think they're “too young”? But manners are a way of talking and a way of being, and after spending time with lots of toddlers, I believe that they should be taught as children learn to talk. There is no tyrant worse than a two-year-old tyrant, unless it is a three- or four-year-old tyrant!

One of the stumbling blocks is that parents often think that manners are something that children will just “pick up” on their own. While many children do eventually pick them up (if they see manners around them and manners are expected from them in return), the process can go much more smoothly and enjoyably if manners are taught as a skill. They are a social skill, and teaching our children this skill will help us all.

How to teach manners

-Children learn primarily through imitation, and through action. Therefore:
Through Imitation:
-Be sure that you use the manners that you'd like to see, both with your child and with other adults and children you interact with (for instance, saying “excuse me” is much more polite than saying “watch out” if a child is in your way).
Through Activity:
-Expect your child to use manners.
-When a child fails to ask for something politely, simply say the words you wish they were using: “May I have some more, please?” Chances are they will repeat them after you, in the exact tone of voice. There doesn't need to be any discussion about it. For two-year-olds, I make the phrases very simple: “More, please!” For three- and four-year-olds, I use the “very-polite-way” of asking: “May I have some more, please?”
-When they do ask for something politely, you can let them know the effect:
Child: “May I have some more, please?”
Adult: “Yes! When you ask so politely, I'm happy to give you more.”
-When a child gets to the point where he remembers to ask politely much of the time, you can make a game out of remembering. I have a boy in my class, Devin, who is almost 4. About half the time he remembers to say “More please!” but the other half, it comes out as a demand: “More!” I'll look at him, and gasp. This usually elicits a laugh, and is often enough to remind him to quickly squeeze out a “Please!” If it's not, I'll gasp again and pull on my ear, looking at him expectantly. If he STILL doesn't remember, I'll say, “I hear you asking, but I'd prefer to hear you ask the VERY polite way.” If he STILL can't get it out, which sometimes he can't, especially if we're being silly, then I'll cue him: “May I have some more, please?” Usually at this point he'll sit up and say it, but sometimes, if we're very silly or very grumpy, he still won't say it. At that point, I'll say, “I can tell you're thinking it.” As I serve him some more, I'll say, “I bet next time you'll remember to say it, maybe even all on your own.”

NOTE: It's important not to make it into a power struggle where a child has to do it because you want him to; rather, it should just be something that is generally expected. When they fail to do it, simply set up the vision of them being successful at it the next time, and move on.

I'll talk more about other types of manners later: Helping children ask for help is a big one, and what to do with a whiny child, and child-to-child manners (sharing, etc.).

Sharing/Hoarding Toys

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This is a letter I wrote to a parent at Rainbow Bridge who asked for advice for her toddler. There was a new baby in the family, and Lana, age 23 months, was hoarding toys, and generally making interactions with other children unpleasant. This was especially hard when other children came to their home. After our conversation I wrote this:

Dear Lana's Mom,

I was thinking about Lana and sharing, and thought I'd pass along a modified dialogue that I use around sharing all the time here at Rainbow Bridge. I like it because it gives children dialogue that they can use by themselves some day (in the fairly distant future) without your help. Here's what it looks like:

Lana: (seeing Miller playing with a toy): Mine!
You: YES. That is YOUR toy. You're sharing! It's Miller's turn!
Lana: Mine!
You: Yes. You love playing with that toy! Would you like a turn too?
Lana: (either nods or says:) Mine!
You: Let's ask Miller if you can have a turn when he's done. (Turn to Miller) Miller, can Lana play with that when you're done?
Miller: OK
You: (to Lana) He said yes! You can play with that when he's done! (wait a beat.) What will you play with while you wait? (Wait for a minute to see if Lana can move on to something else by herself. If not, pick up a toy and start playing with it, then say): Maybe this babydoll?
Lana: (Either is distracted, or can't be distracted and starts to cry) Wahhh!!!
You: I know. It's hard to wait! Come on over here and let's see what we can find (Carry her away).

That's the basic gist of it. After you've done it a few hundred times, you might be able to stop after acknowledging that it IS in fact her toy and that it's Miller's turn. When she says "Mine!" again, say, "Yes. You love playing with that toy. What's Miller doing with it? Is he driving it around the livingroom? What would YOU like to drive around the livingroom?" And help her find a similar toy. Or you could say, "Yes. You love playing with that toy. Were you playing with it before?" Lana nods. You go on, "What did you do with it?" Then the conversation proceeds apace and you gradually change the subject. I use this all the time and it's amazing how effective it can be.

**Sometimes, depending on Miller's age, you might ask if Lana can play with it when he's done, and he'll say "No!" Then you say, "Oh, we don't mean right now! We mean when you're ALL done. Can Lana play with it when you're ALL DONE?" Usually that's enough to get him to agree, but if he still says no, you can say, "Well, I think when you're ALL DONE it will be OK. (turn to Lana) Lana, you can play with it when he's all done." And, as an FYI, here at Rainbow Bridge we know that somebody is all done when we see the toy lying on the floor.


If Lana is already trying to pull the toy away from Miller before you get to her, the conversation won't be as smooth. Here's what I do at Rainbow Bridge:

Lana: (pulling at the toy): Mine!
You: Oh! Miller's using that right now! You can find a toy that NOBODY is using! (Take the toy and hand it back to Miller, then say): What will YOU find to play with? (If she won't give it up, say firmly): This is for Miller right now. (take the toy and give it back to Miller.)
Lana: Wahhh!!!
You: (sympathetically):I know. You wish you could have it RIGHT NOW! It's so hard to wait! (wait a beat): Let's go find something for you to play with. (or) What's so-and-so doing over there?


So, hopefully this will give you something to get started with.. The most important thing is to keep your cool, and to remember that 1) with this dialogue you're teaching her skills that she'll be able to use on her own some day, and 2) these things are in fact her toys, so be sympathetic at how hard it is to wait (while at the same time, being firm that it's so-and-so's turn).

I love Lana so much. She's sharp as a tack, and she doesn't miss a beat, and she's firm about what she wants. That makes your job much harder than that of parenting a tractable (or easily distractable) toddler, so don't feel like it's a reflection on your parenting that things are hard with her, and that she doesn't behave as easily as other children seem to. She's going to grow up to be an amazing person, so hang in there! I think you guys are going a great job.

Lana's Mom wrote back:
Faith, this is SO helpful, and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write this all out for me. I think I will print it up and keep it somewhere handy so I can always be remembering this dialogue to use! And I of course love your sweet words about Lana and our parenting - thank you.