Meltdowns and Tantrums

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This is the second part of my response to the mom who wrote this letter:
Hi Miss Faith,
         I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old.  We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far.  She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears.  I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad.  Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried.  Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears.  You get the idea.

         I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior. 

Hi again-

          Today I'll write some about dealing with meltdowns and tantrums.  I'll talk first about meltdowns from over-stimulation, then I'll get on to what you're talking about in your letter.  I've seen a lot of popular literature that suggests walking away, time-outs, taking away toys or privileges, etc.  But I don't agree with most of them.  I think that meltdowns and tantrums are generally a cry for more support, and so withdrawing your love/attention/support is the last thing that your a child needs.  However, "support" can take many different forms, and giving in to children over and over again, or "doing anything" to placate them, is NOT giving support to a child.  Supporting them means helping them learn how to regulate themselves and their emotions.  So how can you provide the support that a child needs in order to minimize meltdowns and tantrums?

Over-Stimulation Meltdowns

          Often, meltdowns and tantrums are a child showing you that he or she is overstimulated, tired, hungry, or uncomfortable.  The obvious answer, of course, is to try and keep your child well-rested and well-fed, and don't go to the grocery store right before naptime.  However, despite our best efforts, these things happen.  If you are out shopping, for example, and you can see a meltdown starting to brew, our instinct is to rush as much as possible, to try and get out before the storm breaks.  However, children have a very low tolerance for rushing, especially when they're tired or hungry.  Instead, try this:  "You look like you're really ready to go.  I can see that!  You wish we were going home right now.  Let's find a quiet place to snuggle for a few minutes."  Find a corner or a bench or somewhere where you can take your child onto your lap and just pour some love and support into him.  This undivided attention helps your child reconnect with you, and gives him the space he needs to regulate himself.  You might tell him how much you love him, or tell him a story about when you were a little girl and used to go shopping with your mom; anything to let him know that all of your attention is on him, and you are there, creating a safe space for him, within your arms.  After a few minutes, when you feel him start to relax against you, you can say, "That was a really nice snuggle.  In just a minute I'll put you back into the cart, we'll get our last few things, then we'll stand in line, we'll pay for our food, and we'll go out to the car and drive home.  Are you ready for that?"  By being very specific about how things are going to go, you can help him prepare himself for the rest of the trip.  Usually then a child will be ready to face the world again; if he's not, give him a few more minutes of love, with the feeling that there's all the time in the world.  When it's actually time to move on, use a nursery rhyme or song for your transition, instead of talking or convincing.  I love the rhyme/song "One, two, buckle my shoe," because it's very rhythmic and quite long.

Regular Whininess/Meltdowns

          On the other hand, sometimes when a child is going through the process of individuation (like the child of the mother in the letter above), a child can't agree with you on anything.  Nothing is right, everything becomes a struggle.  In this case, again you want to form a strong, supportive boundary around her, to help her learn to regulate herself.

          First, it's good to know that while children are going through growth-spurts they often need more sleep than they needed in the past, so try putting her to bed half an hour earlier.  

          Next, you want to empathize with her while at the same time teach her how to express her dissatisfaction in a way that is acceptable (this is an important part of self-regulating). Teaching her how to express herself in a way that's acceptable generally involves saying what you wish she were saying, in the tone that you wish she were saying it in.  If you remind her that it's time to get dressed and she screams "No!"  You might say, "Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet."  Most of the time, a child will repeat your words, in exactly the tone you use.  It's amazing how a child can go from an angry tone to a pleasant one in an instant, through imitation.  And it's amazing how well it works.  If she doesn't, you can repeat, "You can say, 'Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet.'"  Don't force her to say it, just let her know what's expected.  Most of the time it works, like magic.  Then you can respond.  "Oh really?  It looks like you're having a fun time playing, huh.  What are you playing?"  Then matter-of-factly start getting out her clothes and help her dress while she's telling you.  Children are often fine doing something that they've been saying "no" to, if you just stop talking about it.  Remember, children often need your physical/emotional support to do tasks that they are capable of doing alone on their best days, probably until they are five or even later.

          When your child asks for something and then it's not what she wanted/expected, there are a couple of things that can help.  For example, with the raisins:  you offer them, and she cries, "No, no!  Not those raisins!"  You say, in a pleasant voice, "Mommy, not those raisins, please."  She may or may not repeat.  You say, "Oh, you want different raisins?  Tell me!"  She says, "Other raisins."  You know that there are no other raisins, but you don't say that.  Instead, you say, "I don't know if there are any others.  Let's go down and look in the cupboard together."  Often, getting a child into motion is enough to diffuse a situation and move out of "No" land.  Motion works better than words.  But if nothing will soothe her and she begins to cry, don't try explaining.  Don't tell her that there are no other raisins, don't tell her that all the raisins are the same, don't try to bribe her with something else.  Simply be compassionate.  "You wished you could have the raisins you want, but there are none.  That's a big disappointment."  Give her a hug, and after a moment, move on.

But It's Hard!
          Yes, it is absolutely hard work to keep your pleasant demeanor when your child is being whiny, or disrespectful, or demanding, over and over again.  It is hard to model the pleasant tone/behavior that you want her to imitate, especially if she's pushing your buttons.  So what to do?
          One thing I do when a child feels challenging is this:  a child exhibits a challenging behavior (such as demanding raisins and then crying because they're not what she wanted).  I take a deep breath and imagine stepping backwards into what I refer to as my "Goddess Space."  I know/imagine that my back-space is filled with the Goddess spirit, and when I step backwards into it, I reconnect with that energy.  When I'm there, I can dis-connect from the things that push my buttons.  I don't have to take things personally.  From the Goddess Space I can see what this child needs in order to grow, and what kind of support she needs in order to learn to regulate herself.  And often, then, I can do it from a place of compassion.  

Full-Blown Tantrums

          Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't head off a tantrum.  In that case, it's time to step into your Goddess Space again.  Again, you want to provide compassionate support for your child.  I usually do this in two ways:  first, I do it by imagining that I'm setting an energy-field around the child.  It is like a soft, firm wall that keeps her safe.  Second, I think to her, "I see that you are out of control, but I am here, and I will keep you safe and help you learn how to stay in control of yourself."  I don't say this out loud, buy I think it.  Then I will sit quietly nearby, thinking these thoughts and waiting for her to calm down enough to be comforted.  If the tantrum goes on for more than a few minutes, I can tell that my presence is not calming, so I will go into another room or another part of the room, and begin doing other things.  "I'm going to wash the dishes,"  I'll tell her, "But when you're ready for hugs and kisses, I'll be ready too."  Then I'll go and wash the dishes, but I'm still surrounding her with my protective energy.  Usually this is enough to help a child begin to calm down.  When a child sees that you are calm and supportive even when she is out of control, it helps her feel secure.

Good luck!  And don't worry if you can't find that Goddess Space every time.  Each new meltdown is a new opportunity to practice it. 

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Whiny Meltdowns

Hi Miss Faith,

         I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old.  We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far.  She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears.  I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad.  Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried.  Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears.  You get the idea.

         I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior. 

Dear Mom,

          I'm currently out of town at a conference but will write a full response soon.  My experience is that some kids have a hard time at 2, and others have a hard time at 3.  It's usually one or the other, but it comes as a rough surprise to the parents of three-year-olds who thought they had gotten through the twos scott-free!  So just know that it's part of her process of coming into herself:  discovering that she's separate from you, that she has her own opinions, that she suddenly has big feelings but has very little impulse control. I have some ideas of things you can do to help things go more smoothly, but just know that this is probably just as uncomfortable for her as it is for you.  Let her know by your attitude and your actions that you have compassion for her in this difficult time, and that you will help her learn to regulate herself so that the two of you can be in loving relationship again, enjoying your time together.

          I'll write more later, but I just wanted to give you a first piece to work with.  Not an easy piece, but a necessary one!  Hang in there, mama!  Your sweet girl will return; she just has some important things to learn first.

 

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved!  Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Whining

Q: Hi Miss Faith! I’m loving your blog – really wonderful, practical advice, Thank You! One thing I would LOVE for you to address is whining. It’s driving me and my friends of toddlers (mostly girls...) nutty. I reaaaaaallllly waaaaaannnnnt that dresss....... I’m hunnnngrrrrrrryyyy what can I haaaaaave.... You know. What have you found to be the best way to handle this?

A: In my experience, children whine because they are tired, or because they need more attention (or a different type of attention) than they're getting. I'll look first at ways to minimize whining, then I'll look at what to do once the whining starts.

Provide Rest During the Day
If your child is whining, they may well need more sleep than they're getting; the American Academy of Pediatrics says that 3-year-olds should sleep 10-13 hours out of each 24. In addition to this, children need significant portions of “down-time” throughout the day, where they can rest and re-charge. These are especially important to schedule in if your child is no longer napping, and might involve reading books in a quiet space, snuggling together and singing softly or telling soft stories, or children coloring pictures while you do something quiet nearby. Let your energy levels drop, darken the space a little, and avoid eye contact so your child can really be restful during this time. I recommend scheduling several of these into the day, 20 minutes at a time if your child still naps, with a longer one (40 minutes) in place of naptime if your child no longer naps. If your child is in a morning play-program, try not to schedule much activity in the afternoon, to give them time to come down from that high-energy environment. If your child is well-rested, you may see the whining drop off significantly.
Note: watching videos or TV does not not work for down-time, as the medium itself is not actually restful: among other things, watching screens (TV or computer) suppresses the body's production of melatonin, and makes it hard to fall asleep, which is why we can watch TV all night long even though our eyes are scratchy and we know we're exhausted.

Once the Whining Starts

Show Them How
Once a child starts whining, there are a few tricks you can have in your bag. The first question is whether they are asking for something that you would give them if they weren't whining. If it is, you can cue them to ask in a more appropriate voice. Don't just tell them to ask you differently; model what you'd like them to say, and how to say it. For example, if your child whines, “I waaant you to carrrrry meeeeee,” you can simply say, “Mom, will you carry me please?” Chances are good that your child will repeat your words and tone exactly. Then you can respond to her request: “Yes. I will carry you when I've put the baby into her stroller.” Or, “My hands are full right now. I'll stop for a moment and give you a snuggle, then we can walk together to that bench at the corner.” If your child doesn't repeat what you say when you cue her, wait for a moment, then repeat it again. Usually that will do the trick, unless your child is too tired. If she's too tired to say it, you might say, “I can tell you're thinking it. I bet next time you'll be able to say it yourself,” and respond as if she had asked nicely.

Time-In
I'm not an advocate of time-outs for whining; I'm an advocate of time-in. This is because whining is usually a result of kids needing something (rest, attention) that they're not getting. So having some love poured into them for a few minutes is often just what they need “Wow, it looks like you could really used a snuggle. Let's go sit in the armchair together for a few minutes.” Sit together and pour love into her until you can feel her relax. Then she'll probably be ready to ask you in a normal voice, and respond when you cue her.

I had a little boy at Rainbow Bridge who was almost four. Several times a week he would get whinier and whinier as the morning progressed, until he was ready to fall apart. As it got bad, I'd say, “Let's go to the nap-room and snuggle in the rocking chair for a few minutes.” It would only take a minute away from the other children for me to be able to transform my annoyance into compassion for this little guy, and for him to soak in the quiet and the love, and relax. After a few times of doing this, I started saying to him, “You know, we can do this anytime. You can just ask. You can say, 'Miss Faith, I need a snuggle,' and I'll bring you right down here.” After a few more times, he asked me for a snuggle. He asked two or three more times, and then he never had to do it again.

I'm not saying this will happen for your child, but this technique is a little magic. Some parents have asked me if this isn't rewarding bad behavior instead of punishing it, but I disagree. Children fall apart because they're not getting something they need, and they don't have the vocabulary to tell you what. We get good behavior from our children by seeing them as their highest selves, setting them up to achieve living into that self, then unwaveringly expecting it. Children want to live into it too; if they are unable to, it's either because they need some sort of support (more rest, more consistency in their lives), or because our expectations are not age-appropriate.

How to Say “No”
If your child is whining for something that you are not going to give in to (they want a candy bar at the store, they want to eat cereal for every meal, they want to rollerskate in the house), then your tactics may be a bit different.

The first tip is, never use the word “No” to say “No”! Try one of these, instead:

1) Tell them when they CAN do what they want. If they want cereal for lunch, but they already had it for breakfast, you might say, “You can have cereal again tomorrow.” If it's raining and they want to rollerskate in the house, you might say, “You can rollerskate outside when the rain stops.”
2) Give them an alternate set of choices. “You can have cereal again tomorrow. Right now, you can have noodles, or stir-fry.” Or, “You can rollerskate outside when the rain stops. For now, you can color with crayons, or make a fort.” In this last case, it may seem like you're setting up a false dichotomy, and in some ways you are, but the object is to move their minds away from the rollerskates and get their creative juices flowing. They may well come up with some third option at this point that you both can be satisfied with.
3) If they continue to insist on their first, inappropriate choice, continue to avoid the word “no”, as that just causes them to dig in their heels. Instead, acknowledge their love for the thing that they want, or the desire, and then circle back to when they can do it later. “You really love that cereal, don't you. You can have it tomorrow, don't worry,” Or, “You really wish you could ride those rollerskates RIGHT NOW. I hear that. You can ride them when the rain stops. Right now I'm going to build a fort in the dining room. Did you know that when I was little, I always used to build forts when it was raining?” Walk to the linen closet to get the sheets.
4) And if THAT doesn't work, pull out your trump card, and take them on an imaginative journey. In fact, depending on the situation, you might move into the imaginative journey straight away.

The Imaginative Journey
Taking a child ourneyon an imaginative journey when they're whining for something might look something like this:
Child: I reeeally waaaant that dreeeeessss!
Adult: That really is a beautiful, dress, isn't it! Look at all the ruffles. If you wore a dress like that, you would look like a princess! Where would you live if you were a princess in that dress? (If they don't know, you can continue) I bet you would live in a castle where everything was made of gold and silver, and where you would have a bed made of feathers and tiny little dogs who loved you and followed you around wherever you went (etc. etc).

Taking a child on an imaginative journey like this changes the dynamic from them wanting something and you saying no, into a situation where both of you are on the same imaginative page, creating something together. It can work for something as prosaic as a candy bar:

Child: I reeeeally waaaant that cannnndy baaaarrrrr!
Adult: That candy bar sure looks delicious, doesn't it? If you had that candy bar, what would you do with it? What if you had a hundred candy bars like that? Who would you give one to? (wait for answers, and respond). To Sam? That's a good idea, I bet he would love that! I would give one to Grandma. Do you think she'd like that? (etc. etc.).

You can continue this conversation as long as you'd like, and slowly drift away from the actual object that started the conversation. This tactic is especially useful if you're out shopping, when kids often get over-stimulated and don't get enough of the “right” kind of attention from their adults.

And finally, having a consistent schedule where children know when things are going to happen, and how, will help cut down the whining.

Picky Eaters

I have had quite a few parents ask what to do about picky eaters. Mealtimes can turn into seemingly-endless sessions of coaxing and cajoling each bite into a child's mouth, trying this and that, and ending up with pasta and bagels being 80% of your child's diet. Parents of children who are tiny or under their ideal weight are especially susceptible, but even the parents of big, strapping children can fall into these patterns.

The crux of converting a child away from being a picky eater is to change your viewpoint: your goal is not to get calories into your child's body by whatever means necessary; your goal is to help your child develop a healthy relationship to food. With this goal in mind, your responsibilities, and your attitude, can change. Your responsibility, as the parent, is to provide your child with healthy food. Their responsibility, as the child, is to eat the food. You cannot do this for them, nor can you force them to do it. You can simply do your job effectively, and know that they are capable of doing theirs. Being anxious about a child eating (or not eating) does nothing except to make the child feel anxiety around food. So what CAN you do? There are several concrete actions that can set the stage for healthy eating.

Let Children Help
One of the best ways to help children develop a healthy relationship to food is to involve them in the food preparations. Children are far less likely to be critical of food that they have helped create. I have been amazed time and again at what so-called “picky” eaters will eat out of the garden if they can help pick it. And in the kitchen, cooking is always an interactive experience at my house: children can help chop veggies or fruit (even a two-year-old can chop mushrooms or hack at zucchini slices with a table-knife), they can put veggies I've chopped into the bowl before they go onto the stove, or they can pour or stir things that we've measured. Also, children get to taste every ingredient I use, including the strange ones. They taste the oil, the salt, the lemon-juice, every raw vegetable including very tiny slices of onion, even sometimes a grain or two of uncooked rice. I talk about what each thing tastes like (sweet, sour, spicy, bland), I laugh at their funny faces when they taste something unexpected, and I'll even talk about how the taste or texture changes when it cooks. Food is something to be explored and savored.

Don't Change the Menu
The other important thing to do to convert your picky eater is to stand firm and be confident in the healthy food choices you've made for that meal. Don't “give in” and let them have slices of bagel -or whatever it is that they like- if they choose not to eat the food you've prepared for that meal. Bagels are so yummy, why would they possibly branch out to broccoli or peas if they know that they just need to wait a bit for the bagel? But if they know that whatever you prepare is all that's forthcoming, they're much more likely to eat. If they choose not to eat much, you can prepare them another meal or a snack in an hour or two. It's OK for them to learn that if they don't eat what you prepare for them, they will be hungry for a bit.

On this subject, don't stop offering a healthy food to a child just because they don't like it. Research has shown that children's tastes for foods change with repeated exposure. I have certainly experienced this working in daycare and early childhood settings. I try to use seasonal vegetables as much as possible, and the first few times a new veggie will often be rejected by some of the children. However, usually by the fifth time a new veggie is served, everyone is eating it (of course, the fact that they know nothing else will be forthcoming if they hold out probably helps). With this in mind, I changed the mealtime vocabulary so that when a child says, “I don't like this,” I gently correct, “You're still learning to like this.”

Tell Stories About Food
I sometimes tell stories about foods I didn't like when I was a youngster, that I have since developed a taste for. But I do this with a light touch, more as a funny or distracting story than as a heavy morality tale. Kids love to hear stories about mom or dad when they were little. An even more successful type of food story I'll tell is when a child tells me, “I don't like carrots,” I'll say, “Really? Do you know the story of carrots?” Then I'll tell them:

“Carrots come from the tiniest of tiny little seeds. The seeds are so small that you can hardly pick one up by itself. So you have to be very careful when you plant them, not to spill too many in one spot! Before you plant them, you prepare the soil, and put the tiny little seeds in the ground, and each day you water them. The sun shines down, and the rain falls, and finally one day, a tiny little sprout peeks its head out of the soil. It's so delicate, if you step on it, or if the soil dries out, it will surely die. But you're careful, and you water it every day, and it starts to grow bigger and bigger. It becomes leafy and green with the most beautiful, lacy leaves. But where is the carrot, you ask? There's nothing orange here, only green leaves! Let me tell you: it is growing underneath the ground, where we can't see it! Bit by bit it grows down, down, getting thicker and longer each day. Until one day we see the top of it poking out of the soil, and we know it's ripe. We get our trowel to loosen the soil, then thwop! Out it comes! Covered with dirt, we put our carrots into a basket and bring them into the kitchen, where we chop off the tops, then we scrub-scrub-scrub all the dirt off them, then chop them up, and cook them, and now here they are, in our bowls!”

This story can be told for any fruit, vegetable, or grain, quite easily, as well as milk and juice. For things I don't personally grow in the garden, like rice, I'll tell about where they grow it, and how the farmer sends it to the store for moms and dads to buy. The story itself is so fascinating, and many children forget that they “don't like” carrots and happily eat them up as they hear the story. Even if they don't, I don't make a big deal out of it. Some day they will eat them; maybe even tomorrow.

Use Humor
For my hardest, hardcore hold-outs, I'll sometimes dangle a special type of reward in front of them. I'll say, “Some day, you will eat your whole bowl with everything in it, and I'll be so surprised, I'll fall right out of my chair!” Then, the first time it happens, I ham it up, falling out of my chair with shock and pride. I have done this successfully for several different children, but I'll only do it for children who are really tough hold-outs (where I really WILL be surprised if they eat it all), and I'll only do it once per child. I don't need mealtimes to turn into circus acts!

Final Thoughts
And, finally, there is the comment that my mother used on us when we were young, which worked quite well. When one of us kids would say, “I don't like this,” she'd calmly reply, “That's OK. You don't have to like everything you eat.” And you know what? Remembering that helped me innumerable times as I traveled around the world in my teens and twenties, and exposed me to many things I otherwise would never have tried.