Help Getting to Sleep

Hello,

My question is about my 20 month old and sleep. My daughter usually takes several hours to get to sleep no matter what. I really feel she doesn't get enough sleep, and she is often exhausted but cannot seem to stop wiggling. She has always had a great deal of trouble sleeping, she is very active, smart, and has been overly alert since birth. She is quite sensitive to noise etc. but fine otherwise. I keep her routine as predictable as I can...esp around sleep times...and I make sure she plays outside for a while each day, but it seems she needs to much more to get to sleep. I am exhausted and a bit worried because we have a new baby coming soon.

ANY suggestions are appreciated. We have and continue to explore food allergies, sensory issues (i believe that is a contributing factor), we have a homeopath, have seen crainiosacral therapists etc. etc.

-Laura

Hi Laura,

Oh my gosh, what a challenge for you guys.  It sounds like you're doing a lot of the things I would suggest, and how frustrating that none of it seems to work consistently.

I am currently reading a book that I am LOVING, and might be just what you need.  It is called "Sleepless in America:  Practical Strategies to Help Your Family Get the Sleep it Deserves," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.  I'm only about half way through, but so far I've agreed with just about everything that she's said.  She talks about how when children are sleep-deprived, their bodies emit stress hormones, which make it much harder to get to sleep.  She talks about teaching children how to relax their bodies, and she gives lots of tips on how to minimize stress levels throughout the day, and how to approach bedtime.  She's not a cry-it-out proponent.  Her book is not focused on toddlers specifically, but she does address the issue of children who have always been jumpy and had trouble sleeping.

Setting the Mood

From my personal experience, the thing that I've found that makes the most difference is the lead-up to bedtime.  I dim the lights, pull the curtains, and start talking in a very soft voice, walking very softly, helping the children 'wind-down.'  I actually don't tell or read a story, because I find them to be more stimulating than calming for many kids.  I make the sleep-room VERY dark, and have the lights already out when we tiptoe in and slip into bed.  I start by rubbing backs as I sing a lullaby (I sing the same one over and over, gradually getting slower and softer, till I'm humming, then I finally drop silent.  I lie down on the floor next to the children, and I doze off.  They can almost never resist that.

Help Their Fingers

For children who have trouble falling asleep, I have a few tricks that have worked.  One is that I've noticed that lots children keep themselves awake through their fingers.  Their fingers wander around, touching and exploring, poking themselves in the face, etc.  With those children, I'll often have them lie with both hands on their stomach, and I'll put my hand(s) over theirs, and say, "Now it's time for your hands to go to sleep.  They can lie there quietly and listen to me sing."  Sometimes I'll even take each of her hands and surround it with one of mine, to help them sleep. 

Wrap Them Up

Another thing I've tried which has worked like magic with some kids, and not so well with others, is to wrap them up fairly tight (like swaddling).  It can help them with wiggling, and makes them feel secure, but largely I think it helps them keep those little fingers still, without me having to do it for them.  To set the stage for this, start telling a story about a caterpillar who was so sleepy, and how he wrapped himself in a cocoon blanket, and when he woke, he had transformed into a beautiful butterfly.  Tell it for a few days, then one day say, "I know!  You can be like that caterpillar, and turn into a butterfly, too!"  Then get a blanket that's about the size of a large couch-throw, and with her arms at her side, wrap her fairly tightly in this special cocoon blanket Lie her down on the bed and rub her head or her body (not both; see which works better for her) while you sing to her.  When she wakes up, comment on how she has become like butterfly!  I know one LifeWays care provider who does this with all of the children in her program, and she says that it has changed the entire naptime experience.

Absorb Busy Energy

The third thing I do is to absorb 'busy' energy, and emit 'sleepy' energy.  I start doing this when I dim the lights while we're getting ready, and then I have a specific technique when they're falling asleep.  I find this to be very effective, because I don't get so annoyed when the kids are doing something (like not going to sleep).  I've found that kids have a VERY hard time falling asleep when I'm annoyed at them; I guess it makes sense that it's hard for a child to relax when there's somebody tense next to her.  Anyhow, the way I do it when they're falling asleep is by rubbing the child's back.  I start out rubbing quite firmly, and imagine all of her 'busy' energy flowing out of her body up into my arm.  I imagine that I'm doing the moving FOR her, so she doesn't have to wiggle around herself.  All of that wiggly energy that's trapped inside her can flow into my hand and up my arm.  As I feel her busy energy emptying out of her, I let my hand get slower and softer.  I start imagining sleepy energy pouring out of my arm and into her.  If I get slower and she starts to wriggle around, I get a little more firm and pull more of that energy out, then slow down again (you can do this technique with the cocoon or without).  As her body starts to relax, I get slower and slower, until my hand is still and heavy, with sleepy energy flowing into her.  When she's breathing regularly and not moving around, I slowly make my hand lighter, lifting a hair with each in-breath, until it's hovering a few inches above her, and then I allow my hand to radiate a blessing of sleep out over her, casting a protective 'net' that stays over her while she sleeps and keeps her from waking up from noises.  I've taught this energy technique to two assistants, and they've both noticed an improvement when they used it.  The main key is that you absorb 'busy' energy, and you send out 'sleepy' energy. 

Good luck!  Sleep is such a tricky issue, because everyone's patience is impaired by lack of sleep (your daughter's, your husband's, and yours).  I find that i have almost immeasurable patience if I get 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep per night, but my patience gets shorter much quickly if I get much less. Do order that book from the library if you can, I'd love to hear if it is helpful as well.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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When I'm Low Energy

Lavender Foot-Baths

When I am in full health, and have gotten enough sleep, I LOVE my time with children.  But when I don't get enough sleep, or I have a headache, or a cold, or medicine is making me groggy, the amount of energy it takes to care for children just seems beyond my capabilities.  And yet there they are, as rambunctious as ever.



Take Care of Miss Faith Day
          On days when I feel wiped out, I implement "Take Care of Miss Faith" days.  I lower the lights.  I pull the curtains.  When the children come in, I tell them in a soft voice, "Today's gong to be a quiet day.  Today will be a day when YOU take care of ME!"  I lie down on the couch, or in the cozy corner that's loaded with lambskins and cushions.  The children bring over blankets and silks and 'tuck me in.'  They bring over the dollies and tuck them in with me.  They bring over books, and we take turns where they read one to me, then I'll read one to them.  We play the kinderharp.  We brush hair and give lavender foot-baths.  We drink warm chamomile  tea.  Take Care of Miss Faith days are days for snuggling, and they are sweet and soft.  I talk more softly, more slowly than usual.  Things I normally do myself, I ask the children to do for me, and they love to rise to the occasion.

When I first started implementing these days, it was when I had a migraine, or a close relative was seriously ill.  It seemed that the children could sense that I really needed some quiet space, and extra care.  Even the littlest ones were more quiet than usual.  But then I thought, Why not have these days a little more often?  The children are clearly capable of doing it when it's needed, and they seem to benefit from it as much as I do.  So I started having these "quiet days" more often. If it was a really rainy day, we'd turn it into a quiet day.  If we had a cold snap and we hadn't been able to play outside in five days, we'd have a quiet day.  If four parents said their kids were grumpy or sleep deprived at drop-off, we'd have a quiet day.  I'd try to do them often enough that the children would remember them, but infrequently enough that they remained unusual and special.  About once a month seemed good.

The reality is that these days still take quite a lot of energy on my part.  I can't just "check out" and let the kids run things themselves; that tends to result in chaos.  Instead, I have to use my energy to create this cozy, intimate atmosphere.  If a child forgets and becomes loud, I'll remind them that "today is a quiet day," and if they can't tone it down, I'll say, "if you need to be loud, I'd like you to do it in the other room.  Today is a day where I need quiet around me."  Because these days are so snuggly and so special, most children would rather tone it down than be left out of the special atmosphere.  But even though they still take energy (I'm still running the show, I'm just running a different show from normal), I find it to be restful and rejuvenating, and the children do, too.  Those who need extra cuddling get as many cuddles as they need, and those who wish they were a little bigger get the chance to stand tall and really help on a whole new level.  And I get to spend significant chunks of time in a semi-horizontal position, drinking tea and having children love all over me.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Whining

Q: Hi Miss Faith! I’m loving your blog – really wonderful, practical advice, Thank You! One thing I would LOVE for you to address is whining. It’s driving me and my friends of toddlers (mostly girls...) nutty. I reaaaaaallllly waaaaaannnnnt that dresss....... I’m hunnnngrrrrrrryyyy what can I haaaaaave.... You know. What have you found to be the best way to handle this?

A: In my experience, children whine because they are tired, or because they need more attention (or a different type of attention) than they're getting. I'll look first at ways to minimize whining, then I'll look at what to do once the whining starts.

Provide Rest During the Day
If your child is whining, they may well need more sleep than they're getting; the American Academy of Pediatrics says that 3-year-olds should sleep 10-13 hours out of each 24. In addition to this, children need significant portions of “down-time” throughout the day, where they can rest and re-charge. These are especially important to schedule in if your child is no longer napping, and might involve reading books in a quiet space, snuggling together and singing softly or telling soft stories, or children coloring pictures while you do something quiet nearby. Let your energy levels drop, darken the space a little, and avoid eye contact so your child can really be restful during this time. I recommend scheduling several of these into the day, 20 minutes at a time if your child still naps, with a longer one (40 minutes) in place of naptime if your child no longer naps. If your child is in a morning play-program, try not to schedule much activity in the afternoon, to give them time to come down from that high-energy environment. If your child is well-rested, you may see the whining drop off significantly.
Note: watching videos or TV does not not work for down-time, as the medium itself is not actually restful: among other things, watching screens (TV or computer) suppresses the body's production of melatonin, and makes it hard to fall asleep, which is why we can watch TV all night long even though our eyes are scratchy and we know we're exhausted.

Once the Whining Starts

Show Them How
Once a child starts whining, there are a few tricks you can have in your bag. The first question is whether they are asking for something that you would give them if they weren't whining. If it is, you can cue them to ask in a more appropriate voice. Don't just tell them to ask you differently; model what you'd like them to say, and how to say it. For example, if your child whines, “I waaant you to carrrrry meeeeee,” you can simply say, “Mom, will you carry me please?” Chances are good that your child will repeat your words and tone exactly. Then you can respond to her request: “Yes. I will carry you when I've put the baby into her stroller.” Or, “My hands are full right now. I'll stop for a moment and give you a snuggle, then we can walk together to that bench at the corner.” If your child doesn't repeat what you say when you cue her, wait for a moment, then repeat it again. Usually that will do the trick, unless your child is too tired. If she's too tired to say it, you might say, “I can tell you're thinking it. I bet next time you'll be able to say it yourself,” and respond as if she had asked nicely.

Time-In
I'm not an advocate of time-outs for whining; I'm an advocate of time-in. This is because whining is usually a result of kids needing something (rest, attention) that they're not getting. So having some love poured into them for a few minutes is often just what they need “Wow, it looks like you could really used a snuggle. Let's go sit in the armchair together for a few minutes.” Sit together and pour love into her until you can feel her relax. Then she'll probably be ready to ask you in a normal voice, and respond when you cue her.

I had a little boy at Rainbow Bridge who was almost four. Several times a week he would get whinier and whinier as the morning progressed, until he was ready to fall apart. As it got bad, I'd say, “Let's go to the nap-room and snuggle in the rocking chair for a few minutes.” It would only take a minute away from the other children for me to be able to transform my annoyance into compassion for this little guy, and for him to soak in the quiet and the love, and relax. After a few times of doing this, I started saying to him, “You know, we can do this anytime. You can just ask. You can say, 'Miss Faith, I need a snuggle,' and I'll bring you right down here.” After a few more times, he asked me for a snuggle. He asked two or three more times, and then he never had to do it again.

I'm not saying this will happen for your child, but this technique is a little magic. Some parents have asked me if this isn't rewarding bad behavior instead of punishing it, but I disagree. Children fall apart because they're not getting something they need, and they don't have the vocabulary to tell you what. We get good behavior from our children by seeing them as their highest selves, setting them up to achieve living into that self, then unwaveringly expecting it. Children want to live into it too; if they are unable to, it's either because they need some sort of support (more rest, more consistency in their lives), or because our expectations are not age-appropriate.

How to Say “No”
If your child is whining for something that you are not going to give in to (they want a candy bar at the store, they want to eat cereal for every meal, they want to rollerskate in the house), then your tactics may be a bit different.

The first tip is, never use the word “No” to say “No”! Try one of these, instead:

1) Tell them when they CAN do what they want. If they want cereal for lunch, but they already had it for breakfast, you might say, “You can have cereal again tomorrow.” If it's raining and they want to rollerskate in the house, you might say, “You can rollerskate outside when the rain stops.”
2) Give them an alternate set of choices. “You can have cereal again tomorrow. Right now, you can have noodles, or stir-fry.” Or, “You can rollerskate outside when the rain stops. For now, you can color with crayons, or make a fort.” In this last case, it may seem like you're setting up a false dichotomy, and in some ways you are, but the object is to move their minds away from the rollerskates and get their creative juices flowing. They may well come up with some third option at this point that you both can be satisfied with.
3) If they continue to insist on their first, inappropriate choice, continue to avoid the word “no”, as that just causes them to dig in their heels. Instead, acknowledge their love for the thing that they want, or the desire, and then circle back to when they can do it later. “You really love that cereal, don't you. You can have it tomorrow, don't worry,” Or, “You really wish you could ride those rollerskates RIGHT NOW. I hear that. You can ride them when the rain stops. Right now I'm going to build a fort in the dining room. Did you know that when I was little, I always used to build forts when it was raining?” Walk to the linen closet to get the sheets.
4) And if THAT doesn't work, pull out your trump card, and take them on an imaginative journey. In fact, depending on the situation, you might move into the imaginative journey straight away.

The Imaginative Journey
Taking a child ourneyon an imaginative journey when they're whining for something might look something like this:
Child: I reeeally waaaant that dreeeeessss!
Adult: That really is a beautiful, dress, isn't it! Look at all the ruffles. If you wore a dress like that, you would look like a princess! Where would you live if you were a princess in that dress? (If they don't know, you can continue) I bet you would live in a castle where everything was made of gold and silver, and where you would have a bed made of feathers and tiny little dogs who loved you and followed you around wherever you went (etc. etc).

Taking a child on an imaginative journey like this changes the dynamic from them wanting something and you saying no, into a situation where both of you are on the same imaginative page, creating something together. It can work for something as prosaic as a candy bar:

Child: I reeeeally waaaant that cannnndy baaaarrrrr!
Adult: That candy bar sure looks delicious, doesn't it? If you had that candy bar, what would you do with it? What if you had a hundred candy bars like that? Who would you give one to? (wait for answers, and respond). To Sam? That's a good idea, I bet he would love that! I would give one to Grandma. Do you think she'd like that? (etc. etc.).

You can continue this conversation as long as you'd like, and slowly drift away from the actual object that started the conversation. This tactic is especially useful if you're out shopping, when kids often get over-stimulated and don't get enough of the “right” kind of attention from their adults.

And finally, having a consistent schedule where children know when things are going to happen, and how, will help cut down the whining.

Hard Mornings

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Q: My four and a half year old has suddenly turned into a raging grouch in the mornings: won't do anything I say, screams at us, sometimes throws full-blown fits. He often calms down after he has breakfast, but not always. What can we do to calm things down?

A: My first question would be, is he getting enough sleep? 4-5 year olds still need at least 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If he has recently stopped napping, you'll need to compensate with an earlier bedtime. Also, children who are sleep-deprived often have a hard time falling asleep, and wake up early. Remember, sleep begets sleep, so try moving his bedtime half an hour earlier, and see if that helps.

My second thought is that he might be going through a growth spurt, so he has low blood sugar when he wakes up. The fact that he often calms down after breakfast supports this idea. A couple ideas here: first, try to give him a substantial snack before bed. Something like oatmeal can be warm and calming as a bedtime snack. Or a cup of warm milk, or a banana. Next, try having some food ready for him as soon as he wakes up, already set up at the table on a pretty placemat.

Third, if you've fallen into a pattern of negative interactions in the morning, you'll need to shift things around in order to change the energy of the situation. Does he wake up on his own? If so, when he comes out of his room, you might try saying gently: “Oh, I'm glad to see that you're awake! Come sit on my lap and eat this banana while I read you this story.” Being warm and snuggly on your lap without having to interact much directly is a nice way to wake up. When I have children in my care waking up, I will bring them onto my lap and brush their hair gently. I often spray the brush with Rosemary-water, which is gently invigorating. As I do this, I will talk about what I was doing while they were asleep, and what we'll be doing for the rest of the afternoon. This is a very gentle description, using lots of imagery and not expecting any answers until they're ready.

If he starts to fall into the belligerent behavior, your can tell him, firmly but still lovingly: “Please ask me again, in a respectful tone of voice.” If he's unable to do that yet, you might say, “I can see you're really hungry. I bet after you eat your breakfast, you'll be ready to speak respectfully.” If he's falling apart because he's having a hard time waking up and has low blood sugar, then walking away from bad behavior won't be very effective, as he'll be unable to self-regulate until he's had some food. So something I use in situations like that is this: I'll say, “Wow, you're having a tough time. I'm going to give you a big hug, and when I'm done, you can sit down quietly and eat your breakfast.” Then I'll give the child a big, soft, enveloping hug, pouring as much love into him as possible. I might even whisper “I love you so much.” Getting a hug and love at a time when they're acting unlovable is often just what a child needs in order to calm himself if they're tired or overwhelmed. Then I'll pull back a little, look at him, and say lovingly, “Are you ready to sit down at the table now?” Usually I'll get a quiet nod.