Toddler/Infant Sibling Interactions

My daughter is two and my son is almost one month old. My daughter is madly in love with her baby brother and wants to hold and carry him. I help her hold him while sitting down, but am having a tough time redirecting when she tries to pick him up or take him out of my arms and pulls on him. I find myself saying no while playing tug o war with my infant- not effective parenting :( Really, I'm looking for advice on those situations when the toddler puts herself or others in harm’s way. Another similar example is that when she plays with her friends, she will hug and not let go until the friend cries or falls over.

Dear Erin,

               It always feels like such a shame when we see a child go in with good intentions, only to have things end poorly.  I have had several children in my care whose instincts for affection seem to be to grab and not let go.  The good news is that their hearts are in the right place.  The bad news is that it’s a hard habit to break!  I’ll answer the sibling part of your comment today, and address the friend-hugging another day.

Toddler/Infant Sibling Interactions

               I’ve noticed that two-year-olds with infant siblings do best when they get lots of help with EVERY physical interaction, until they have strong habits in place.  The best way to establish these habits is to have very firm ‘rules’ about how it’s OK to touch the baby:  she can hold him sitting down while you help, or she can touch him with one finger.  I’m a huge fan of one-finger-touching for 1- and 2-year-olds.  It is useful for ANYTHING they might want to grab, that could be hurt or ruined:  flowers, computers, your earrings, your baby son.  So, first introduce these rules.  She already knows about you helping her hold him when she’s sitting down, so introduce the one-finger rule.  “You can touch your brother with your one finger.  This is how we do it.  That’s right!  You’re doing it too!  You can always touch him with your one finger.”  Then, for the next several weeks, EVERY time you see her going to touch him, jump to her side and help her touch him with her one finger.  Whenever she tries to touch in another way, lovingly show her how she CAN touch him.  (If she is able to kiss him without grabbing, kissing on the cheek or arm is OK too.  If she can’t resist grabbing when she kisses, teach her to blow kisses to him to show her love and affection.) After a few weeks of physically helping her touch with one finger every time, you will start to be able to remind her verbally from a little distance away.  Soon she’ll do it by herself, looking right at you.  “That’s right!  You know how to touch your little brother!”  Even once she does that, she may still need help when she’s tired or excited. 

She may also occasionally try to touch him in another way, looking over at you to see if it’s OK.  For now, go ahead and remind her how she CAN touch him—with one finger.  Once her habits of touching him really gently are firmly in place, you can start to expand from there.  Acknowledge that you’re changing the rules.  “Now that you know how to touch him so gently, you can touch him with your whole hand.  You can stroke his arm, like this.  Yes!”  Expand the acceptable ways of touching very slowly, and start helping her notice if he’s liking her touch or not liking her touch.  “Look, he’s pulling away.  He’s saying, ‘that’s too rough!’” or, “Even though you’re touching him gently, he’s saying ‘Not right now.’” And help her touch him in a way that he likes, or if he’s not liking anything, to pull away and blow him a kiss instead.

This technique is very energy-intensive for several weeks or even a few months.  But it’s totally worth it, because you’re laying the foundation for positive sibling interactions for the rest of their lives.  Siblings who notice what the other one wants (or doesn’t want), and respond respectfully to those cues, have positive relationships with one another.  This noticing and responding respectfully is the key to bypassing the bossy/bullying/playing-the-victim/picking-on-each-other-till-they-explode cycle that can mar many sibling relationships.  So start laying the groundwork now!

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Responding to Drama

Dear Miss Faith,
        I have two daughters, four-and-a-half and two-and-a-half.  Whenever my littler one takes something, or 'hurts' my older daughter she is very dramatic in her response.  She makes it seem like it's the end of the world!  Any suggestions for being compassionate, but not encouraging such a reaction?  Is there any way to discourage it? 
Thank, K.L.


Dear K.L.,
        First, cue your older daughter to say something more appropriate to the little one:  "You can tell her, 'please don't hit me!'"  And really start working with your little one on listening to requests to stop (see my last post on social interactions).  Your older daughter may not feel like she needs to put up such a show if it's clear that you're helping the little one learn how to act appropriately and that it's not "all right" just because she's little; she's learning how to touch with gentle hands!
        In the meantime, how to react to your daughters reactions.  Our tendency is to tell her to stop over-reacting, or to minimize what happened to show her how unimportant it was, but I suspect that the more you try to minimize it, the louder she gets.  In my experience, kids are often overly dramatic for two reasons:
first, they want more attention from you, or second, they have a melancholic temperament.  Or both.  If a child is simply wanting more attention from you, you can give it to them in a way that still empowers them to solve the issues on their own, by using humor.  If your two-year-old hits your four-year-old and your older child starts wailing, "She hit me!"  You can respond by going WAY over the top. "Oh no!  Stop right there!  Are you bleeding????  Don't move, don't move.  I'll call the ambulance right away!!!"  This allows her to
suddenly become the "bigger" person and tell you that it's really not so bad.  Or she just starts laughing and is distracted, which is also fine.  If your two-year-old "ruins" the older child's drawing, you might look at her tragically.  "Ohhhhh nnnnooooo.  That is now ruined for good.  We'll have to get a coffin and bury it in the back yard, don't you think?"  Really play it up for her.

        On the other hand, your child might be over-reacting because she has a melancholic temperament.  Melancholics feel things very deeply.  They have a strong sense of justice, and they feel any perceived injustice very deeply.  If this is your child, she will NOT like it when you use humor.  In that case, she's getting loud because what she wants from you is understanding.  Instead of trying to minimize or distract, let
her know that you really understand.  "Wow.  You were just sitting there and little Addie came up and hit you.  That's no fair!  YOU know that hitting's not allowed, but she's too little and she just hit
you!"  Look right into her eyes, and ask sincerely,  "Are you ok?"  It makes no difference that you know that she couldn't possibly have been hurt. When you show your understanding of the injustice of it all, she can relax again, and nod.  "Oh, I'm SO glad," you say, giving her a hug. "Addie is lucky to have a big sister like you, who knows how things should be."  If your bigger kid is up for it, you might even 'brainstorm' with her.  "What should we do to help her learn?"  If she doesn't have any ideas, you could chip in,  "I know!  If you are playing with something and she comes up, you cold give her another toy so she doesn't try to take yours!  Do you think that would work?"  In this way, you can help give her some ideas of other ways to react.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Bullying/Sibling Rivalry

Dear Miss Faith,
 I am looking for suggestions to help with some fairly severe sibling rivalry. This is a preschool-aged old boy towards his young-toddler sister, in a family which I visit with regularly and care about deeply.  Thank you, M.
Dear M,
          How frustrating for you to see two children you care about being unkind!  Kudos to you for looking to take some action to help this family.  When you are with the children, are the parents present or not present?  Are they at your house, or are you at their house?  These things will all come into play.  One book I like a lot is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Is it possible for mom (and/or you) to spend some time with each child alone every few days or at least each week? 
          For short-term strategy, here are some ideas; you can announce one day that there is a new rule in your house: everyone must touch with gentle hands.  Show everyone what touching with gentle hands means (at Rainbow Bridge it means kind of stroking your friends on the arm), and have everyone practice.  "Yes, that's it!  Now you know how to touch with gentle hands!"  Notice out loud anytime you see someone touching someone else gently.  And if anyone forgets to touch with gentle hands, show sadness that they forgot, and send them immediately to get the Healing Stone (or the Healing Cloth, or an ice pack, or whatever you wish; keep it in a special place that only comes out when someone gets hurt), and touch it to the child who is hurt.  Then find some good work for those hands: tidying some blocks, wiping the table, etc.  You do this "good work" with him, then thank him for his help, give him a hug, and he can go play again.  It's not a punishment, it's just helping him learn what is appropriate to do with his hands.

           In long-term strategy, you want to be calling out the archetype of the Knight in this little boy:  someone who is strong and good, and who helps those who are weaker than he is.  You might start telling a story about a boy who wants to be a knight when he grows up, but nobody thinks he could be.  But he knows he can do it.  He starts exploring what a knight is like, and doing all the things a knight does.  First he works to become very strong, then he starts to rescue people and animals who needed help, and finally he starts to help all those who are smaller and weaker than he is.  Everyone starts to wonder at the changes that have come.  Maybe he could become a knight after all!  Then one day when he's helping someone, the King happens to see it, and he calls the boy to him and honors him, and makes him into a Knight-in-Training.  You could either do this as one story that you tell again and again, or you could make it an ongoing story, that starts out the same way each time (introducing the boy and his desires) and telling a different "adventure" each time of how he helps someone, and this could go on for several months before the King ever notices him.

           In the meantime, start asking more from this little boy, and call out the best in him.  Ask him to help you with things, then ask him to do tasks for you while your hands are full but you're watching, and finally start asking him to help other children when the children ask you for help.  Notice how strong he is, how helpful he is, and start appreciating those traits in him.  If he starts having a new image to live into, he might be able to start moving away from being the Bad Big Brother who everyone is angry at all the time.

           It can be so hard to turn things around when we get stuck in negative patterns, so be patient and tenacious.  And good luck!

Warmly,

Faith

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