Responding to Drama

Dear Miss Faith,
        I have two daughters, four-and-a-half and two-and-a-half.  Whenever my littler one takes something, or 'hurts' my older daughter she is very dramatic in her response.  She makes it seem like it's the end of the world!  Any suggestions for being compassionate, but not encouraging such a reaction?  Is there any way to discourage it? 
Thank, K.L.


Dear K.L.,
        First, cue your older daughter to say something more appropriate to the little one:  "You can tell her, 'please don't hit me!'"  And really start working with your little one on listening to requests to stop (see my last post on social interactions).  Your older daughter may not feel like she needs to put up such a show if it's clear that you're helping the little one learn how to act appropriately and that it's not "all right" just because she's little; she's learning how to touch with gentle hands!
        In the meantime, how to react to your daughters reactions.  Our tendency is to tell her to stop over-reacting, or to minimize what happened to show her how unimportant it was, but I suspect that the more you try to minimize it, the louder she gets.  In my experience, kids are often overly dramatic for two reasons:
first, they want more attention from you, or second, they have a melancholic temperament.  Or both.  If a child is simply wanting more attention from you, you can give it to them in a way that still empowers them to solve the issues on their own, by using humor.  If your two-year-old hits your four-year-old and your older child starts wailing, "She hit me!"  You can respond by going WAY over the top. "Oh no!  Stop right there!  Are you bleeding????  Don't move, don't move.  I'll call the ambulance right away!!!"  This allows her to
suddenly become the "bigger" person and tell you that it's really not so bad.  Or she just starts laughing and is distracted, which is also fine.  If your two-year-old "ruins" the older child's drawing, you might look at her tragically.  "Ohhhhh nnnnooooo.  That is now ruined for good.  We'll have to get a coffin and bury it in the back yard, don't you think?"  Really play it up for her.

        On the other hand, your child might be over-reacting because she has a melancholic temperament.  Melancholics feel things very deeply.  They have a strong sense of justice, and they feel any perceived injustice very deeply.  If this is your child, she will NOT like it when you use humor.  In that case, she's getting loud because what she wants from you is understanding.  Instead of trying to minimize or distract, let
her know that you really understand.  "Wow.  You were just sitting there and little Addie came up and hit you.  That's no fair!  YOU know that hitting's not allowed, but she's too little and she just hit
you!"  Look right into her eyes, and ask sincerely,  "Are you ok?"  It makes no difference that you know that she couldn't possibly have been hurt. When you show your understanding of the injustice of it all, she can relax again, and nod.  "Oh, I'm SO glad," you say, giving her a hug. "Addie is lucky to have a big sister like you, who knows how things should be."  If your bigger kid is up for it, you might even 'brainstorm' with her.  "What should we do to help her learn?"  If she doesn't have any ideas, you could chip in,  "I know!  If you are playing with something and she comes up, you cold give her another toy so she doesn't try to take yours!  Do you think that would work?"  In this way, you can help give her some ideas of other ways to react.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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The Foundation of Social Interactions

The foundation of positive social interactions between children is to teach them to notice how other children are receiving their actions, and to listen to each others' requests. 


Noticing How Others React         
The first piece of this is to help youngsters start to notice both positive and negative responses to their actions.  This is especially important when children are touching one another, as it's often hard for young kids to realize what the results of their actions will be, especially the under-twos, who often like the feeling of grabbing or hitting.  I know one little boy who always wanted to hug his friends, but it often turned into a death-grip, leading the recipient of the hug to struggle, and both children fall down.   He wanted to connect with others but doesn't know how.  I worked with him for a long time, teaching him to do a quick hug-and-release.  When he was successful, I'd say, “Look, she's smiling!  She liked that!”  Or, if it went on too long, I'd say, “Oh no.  She's pushing you away.  She's saying, 'please stop.'”  Eventually, he was able to notice on his own whether others liked it, and others were able to say "please stop" on her own. 
          Note:  this technique for death-grip-hugs will only work if what he's wanting is connection.  If what he's actually wanting is physical stimulation, it's much more effective to pick him up and spin him around, hang him upside-down, or lay him on the floor and roll him over and over across the room.  That way he can get what he's looking for from someone who is enjoying the interaction.


Listening to Requests
        The other piece to the foundation of positive social interactions is to make sure that children respond to their friends' requests.  The biggest piece of this is to listen for whenever a child is saying “Stop,” and make sure that the other child stops.  At Rainbow Bridge, STOP MEANS TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY.  So, I keep my ears sharply tuned, and whenever I hear someone saying 'stop' (or preferably, 'please stop'), I'll turn around and watch.  If the child doesn't stop, I'll move in and say, “Oh!  I hear Jessie saying stop!”  Then, if they don't stop, I'll remind them, “stop means take your hands away.”  And, if they still can't do it, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away,” and I'll help them.  There doesn't have to be any blame, it's just them learning to follow the rules, just like any other rules, such as staying at the table while we're eating, or only going downstairs with an adult.

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