Imaginative Journeys for Mundane Tasks

Redbird tell each child to put
his cloth in the bowl

Dear Miss Faith, 
          I’ve never before had children that regularly made a fuss but at the moment I look after two brothers (just turned 3 and 4) that get upset about washing hands, having nappies (diapers) changed and having shoes put on. I always give them warning (ie. in a few minutes we can wash our hands so that we will be ready to prepare our snack) give them a choice of helping to do it themselves or I can do it and try to keep things positive and fun but quite often none of it works.  I hate having to force them to do things when they get upset but these are things that really need to be done so im not sure what else to do. If you can think of any ideas that might help us I would be grateful!
Thank you,  Karen

Hi Karen,

               If the children were smaller (say, between 1 and 3), I’d suggest doing less talking.  A child who refuses to put on his shoes when you tell him, is often fine if you simply take him by the hand and start putting on his shoes without talking about it.  Especially if you are talking about something else that’s interesting, instead.   However, your boys are older, and that probably won’t work with them.  So, there are a couple of things to do. 

One thing that can be very effective is using songs for transitions like washing hands, putting on shoes, etc.  A wonderful source for songs for these activities can be found in Mary Schunnemann’s songbook with CD, “This is the Way We Wash-A-Day” (look in the tab "Toy Stores and Song Books" above for how to get it).  But again, at three and four, these boys may be so entrenched in being against these activities that you may have to bring out the Big Guns!

The Big Guns in this case are what I’ll call Imaginative Journeys.  Three and four year olds are enthralled with imaginative stories of any kind, and these are extra fun because of the movement involved.  An Imaginative Journey is a story that you and the children act out together, that involve doing something (like washing hands or putting on shoes).  They take a lot more time than just doing the act quickly, but they’re well worth it: the children love them, and it is a sneaky way to increase competence in children who resist doing things for themselves.  Think of them as activities in their own right, like circle games.  Here are a couple examples, but you can also make up your own. 

Washing Hands After A Meal

Try washing hands at the table, using wet wash-cloths.   Start telling a story, using the cloths.  Here’s one that I use: 

Once upon a time, there was a little caterpillar.  (You wrap one hand up in the wash-cloth and start ‘crawling’ it around the table). 

This caterpillar was SOOO Hungry!  He was hungry for…Rice! (or whatever you had for lunch). 

He searched and he searched, until finally he found some! (find your other hand which is open palm-up on the table and ‘eat’ all of the rice on it, scrubbing it with the wash-cloth.) 

But he was still hungry.  ‘Maybe I’ll find some more up here,’ he said, and he crawled higher and higher (crawl up your arm) until he came to the top. 

‘There’s lots of rice here!’ he said, and he ate, and he ate and he ate (wash your whole face with the wash-cloth while you say it) until he was SOOO Full, and SOOO Sleepy. 

He wrapped himself up in a cocoon blanket, and he found a Branch (put your arm out horizontally) where he hung himself, and he fell fast asleep. (hang your caterpillar arm over your branch arm.) 

He slept for days and days, until one day he felt the warm sun on his back, and he wiggled and wiggled out of his cocoon, and down it fell. (put the washcloth on the table, then bring your hands up so your fists are together.) 

But he discovered that he was no longer a caterpillar; he had become a beautiful butterfly! (link your thumbs and let your fingers flutter as your butterfly flies around. The end.  Or sing a little butterfly song.)

If you are washing hands before a meal, it might be something much faster, maybe even just a song with movements to scrub each hand.  At Rainbow Bridge we wash hands before the meal with a pitcher and wash-basin at the table.  We sing a song while we do it, and wash each child's hands in turn around the table.  the children who are competent scrub their hands with soap and dry their hands on a towel; those who don't, we do it for them.  There's no discussion about it because we're singing, and each child's turn seems quite inevitable.

Putting On Shoes

Again, think about how you can make this into an imaginative journey.  The following story I just made up, thinking about what I would do in your situation.  The story you make up doesn’t have to be as long or as involved as this one, but it should be interesting enough that everyone wants to take part.  You can do the same story every day for at least a month, or significantly longer if you don’t get totally sick of it.  Here goes:  Put all of the children’s hats down in a row, about 2 feet apart, with the child’s shoes in front of it, then announce, “Today, we will do something special.  Each child may go and sit down where his hat is!”  While they’re finding their hats and sitting down, sing “Find your hat! Then sit down!  Find your hat!  Then sit down!”  Singing during this time will forestall any discussion over it.  (After the first few days, no announcement will be needed.  Simply start singing the song, and gently steer any child who doesn’t immediately run over.)  When they’re all seated, sit down in front of them all with your feet out too, and start telling a story (make sure you have your hat and shoes in your place, too).  Speak in a slow, rhythmic voice, a little deeper than your own:

Once upon a time, there were two Feet.  (Have your feet with the soles facing each other.) 

'Hello,’ said the one foot.   ‘Hello,’ said the other.  (Wiggle the toes of one foot, then the other.)

(address this next part to the children) Can your feet say hello to one another? (go back to low story-voice.)  ‘Hello,’ said the one foot.  ‘Hello,’ said the other. 

‘Nice day for a walk,’ said the one foot.  ‘Indeed it is,’ said the other.  (Wiggle toes as each one speaks.) 

’Well, where should we go?’ said the one foot.  ‘I don’t know,’ said the other. 

So they began to walk.  (Lift your knees together and have the two feet ‘walk’ on the floor in place, slowly and steadily.) 

They walked and walked and walked.  ‘I’m really cold,’ said the one foot.  ‘I’m really wet,’ said the other.  ‘Maybe we can find a cave.’ 

They looked around, and they found something that they thought would be just right.  In they went. (put both feet into your hat.  The children will think this is hilarious.  They can put their feet into their caves, too. When the feet are ‘talking’ in the cave, speak in a muffled voice.) 

’Why are you pushing me?’ said the one foot.  ‘You’re pushing Me!’ said the other.  ‘We need to find our own caves.’ And out they came. 

‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the one foot.  ‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the other. 

They walked and walked, until they saw something new.

‘Here’s a cave that’s just my size!’ said the one foot, ‘But it will be hard to fit into.  I’ll open it up as much as I can.’ (Take one shoe and open it up, pulling any laces or Velcro wide, pulling up the tongue.   Then put your foot at the entrance, and start pushing it in.) 

’I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in! Push, push, push!’ said the one foot. 

Then In-He-Went!”  (Push your foot in.  Help any children who need help, repeating, ‘I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in!  Push, push push!’ until all of the children have one shoe on.  Then go back and sit down.) 

(Repeat that part of the story for the second foot). 

’Now we are ready to walk,’ said the feet! 

‘I won’t be cold,’ said the one foot.  ‘I won’t be wet,’ said the next foot.  And Off-They-Went.” 

(Reach down for your hat, and pull it onto your head, giving a big, satisfied sigh to signify the end of the story.)

The secret to having these Imaginative Journeys work is to make them highly ritualistic.  Make your movements crisp and stylized, so they are easy to imitate.  Make your voice firm and compelling.  Don’t force the children to do them with you, just make them so entrancing that the children want to follow along.  If a child doesn’t do it, you can give a little help to nudge them along, or repeat part of the story (like when I say, “Can your feet say hello to each other?”), but don’t take so much time away that you lose the interest of the rest of the children.  If a child doesn’t take part in the hand and face washing, for example, I will quickly wipe his hands and face for him as I’m picking up the cloths.  If he objects, I calmly state, “Next time you can do the story with us, and then I won’t have to wipe your face afterward.”

Other Strategies

If the idea of Imaginative Journeys is too much for you, then think about different ways that you can make these experiences special.  For example, I know one woman with a home daycare, and at the end of each meal, she calls each child up to her one by one, and she slowly and lovingly wipes each child’s face and hands, and brushes off any food from his clothing, then gives him a hug, and he can go and play.  She loves it because it's a chance for her to connect with each child.  Or sometimes I’ll play funny games with the cloths, where we hold them flat against our mouths and I ask funny questions (“Are we all wearing our bathing suits right now?”) That everyone can answer “Nooooo!” and shake their heads back and forth, wiping their mouths.  The trick is to make it so fun, or so sweet, that children don’t want to refuse.  It’s not a means to an end, it’s an end in itself!

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Starting Daycare and Saying Goodbye

Dear Miss Faith,

               My little guy is starting daycare and while I’m sure that it will be a wonderful, loving place for him, I am dreading dropping him off and saying goodbye.  We have had a hard time with babysitters lately.  Do you have any advice for helping it go smoothly?

Dear Mama,

               Yes!  I have helped many families adjust to saying goodbye for the first time, and what I’ve seen is this:  the thing that makes the most difference for a child is the parent’s attitude.  When a parent feels bad that a child is crying, and lingers as a result, children often continue crying for a long time, even after the parent has managed to drag herself away.  I think that when a parent does this, the message she is sending is, “I don’t want to leave you here, but I have to.”  The way the child interprets this is,  “Mom doesn’t want to leave me here; I AM NOT SAFE HERE.”    

The biggest gift you can give your child is to say, with every ounce of your being, “I am leaving you in the best of hands.”  You don’t have to say this out loud; transmit it through your actions, through your attitude.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge his feelings: it’s hard to watch you leave!  You can be compassionate without feeling guilty for causing the grief. “I know that saying goodbye is hard, AND I know that you’ll have a good time while I’m gone.  I love you so much, and I am leaving you in the best of hands.”

But what if I AM feeling guilty?  It is heart-wrenching to walk away when my little one is crying his heart out and reaching out to me. 

It seems like one more hug could only help, right?  But no.  Remember, you know that this is going to be a wonderful, loving place for him.  You told me that in your letter.  That’s why you chose this place.  So, if that is true, then being there won’t be a hardship for him; it’s only the process of watching you leave that is hard.  In that case, the longer you draw out the process of leaving, the longer you’re drawing out his feelings of unhappiness.  Be loving, and firm in your knowledge that this is the best choice for your family, and say goodbye.  If you go out to your car and cry, that’s OK.  This is a big transition for both of you.  But don’t let those guilty feelings make your son’s separation even harder than it needs to be. (One thing that can help is to ask your caretaker to call you if he hasn’t stopped crying after a certain amount of time.)

I tried doing what you said, but he runs after me and latches onto my legs, so the caretaker has to pull him off of me.  That feels terrible!

I bet that feels terrible for everyone!  It sounds like your little guy may feel safer with a ‘hand-off.’  Hold him while you’re coming in, and when it’s time to go, put him into the arms of his caretaker.  Then blow a kiss and wave goodbye.  It’s important that you’re handing him over to the caretaker, so that she doesn’t have to be in the position of pulling him away from you.  Remember, you want to be giving your son the message that you are making a good decision and he will be safe here. 

On the first day, drop-off was OK, but it seems like it’s getting worse and worse. 

My experience is that the first day is often deceptively easy, because your child doesn’t know what’s in store!  Then days two, three and four get worse and worse, as he starts to realize that this is a regular thing!  But by day five he has started to bond with his caretaker, so it's a little better, and day six is a little better still.  Once that bond is established there may still be some crying, but he should be easily comforted by his caretaker after you leave.  If your child is only going two days a week, this process might be a little bit slower, as it will take him more time to bond with someone he is not seeing as frequently. 

So, know that learning to say goodbye is a process, and don’t lose faith!  Continue letting him know that you are leaving him in the best of hands, and don’t draw out the process of saying goodbye.     If your child is still really having a hard time after this period, make some time (not at drop-off!) to talk to your caretaker.  How long does he cry after you leave?  Is he bonding with her and with any of the other children?  If he's not bonding well, it may be that being in a big group is overwhelming for him still, and he'd do better with a sitter or a nanny at home.  Many children are not ready to be in a group setting without mom until they are at least three years old.  If it seems that he IS bonding with her, ask if there’s anything you could be doing differently, that would help his transition.  She may well have some ideas.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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Smooth & Easy Transitions

          Usually we think of transitions as something that must be done in order to get to something else, but very young children don’t think this way and can’t think this way.  Young children live in the moment.  So in order to have transitions go smoothly and enjoyably, change your view so that each transition is an activity in its own right, with a beginning, a middle and an end.  Think of it as a structured activity like circle-time.  It doesn’t happen in a ring, but it’s a series of actions to be done together, with song and verse.  It should be just as structured and just as enjoyable for the kids.

              Here are the steps that I use to make a transition go smoothly:
             1. Get everything you need ready before you start, so that children can be in motion the entire time (no waiting).  So this means, get handwashing stuff ready before you start tidying up to come to a meal.  In fact, we get our end-of-meal handwashing ready before we even start cleaning up from free-play, so that it’s a smooth transition from play to eating to cleaning up from a meal.  Think ahead!

             2.      Use songs during transitions.  This makes a HUGE difference!  Songs are really useful because they let a child know what's coming, without all the talking.   You don't have to be a great singer for these, just use songs you remember from your childhood, or take the tunes of songs you know and add simple words.  To the tune of "Twinkle twinkle little star" you could sing, "Find your shoes and put them on, find your shoes and put them on."  You may use several songs, one for the start of the transition, and one for the end. It's useful to use the same song each time for the same task, so that kids really get the hang of what happens when a certain song is sung.

                 3. Give individual tasks.  Giving tasks that children can accomplish is important.  First of all it keeps children engaged in what's going on.  For instance, giving them something to carry out to the car when you’re going somewhere makes it much more likely that they'll walk straight to the car, instead of getting distracted on the way.  But even more important, it allows the child to contribute to the process.  It goes more smoothly because he’s helping you.  You’re doing it together.

             4.  Keep things moving.  Start the process with some sort of fun thing that gets your child moving (a little game, or putting something in its place), then keep them moving smoothly then entire time.  So, start with tidying up, but then move seamlessly into getting ready to go outside.  Don't stop and talk about it, just do it.  Children will be swept up in the movement of it and will most likely follow your lead.  Children do best when they're in motion, so think of the entire transition process as a dance where you walz from one thing to the next.  If you do things in this way, once you get a child to stop his play, you can tidy up, get a fresh diaper, change the laundry, and get out the door.  If you have each step prepared, involve him in each step (give him individual tasks), use song and verse, and keep things moving, it will probably go well.  Better than breaking him away from his play four separate times, by far!


An Example

              So, using all of these tricks, getting yourself and your toddler out the door in the morning might look like this:  While he’s eating breakfast, you get everything you’ll need to take with you and put it by the door.  You also put his hat and his jacket on a little changing chair.  When you see that he’s about done with breakfast you sing out, “Last little nibbles!”  Before you get him out of his high chair, you get a warm washcloth and sing, “Wipe wipe wipe!  Wipe your face.  Wipe wipe wipe! Wipe your hand.  Wipe wipe wipe! You are clean.”  Then you lift him down, and give him his bowl to take to the kitchen.  You lift him up so he can set it on the counter, then immediately let him know it’s time to go get shoes on by saying, “Cockadoodle doo, my dame has lost her shoe!  My master’s lost his fiddle-stick and knows not what to do!  Where are YOUR shoes?”  As he runs over to them (or as you carry him over, if he’s not cooperating), you repeat the nursery rhyme at least two more times as he sits down in the changing chair.  He knows how things go, so he immediately starts trying to put his hat on.  I usually do hat first, then shoes, then jacket last (if it’s wintertime, hat first, then snowpants, then boots, then mittens, then jacket.  If you put mittens on first, they’re nicely tucked into the jacket sleeves).  Then get your own shoes and jacket on, and pick up your bags.  Take out one thing and say, “We’re ready to go!  I’ll carry the diaper bag.  Will you carry this for me please?” and then you walk out together.  As you’re walking from the house to the door, you have another song that you sing: this one a railroad song.  “I’ve been working on the railroad, all the livelong day…”  This is a long song, and it lasts the entire time as you get him into his car-seat.

                   If you have everything ready to go before you start, if you keep moving from one activity to the next (finishing breakfast to putting on shoes to walking out the door), if you use song and verse as you go, and you give individual tasks, then you can have a smooth and easy transition.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

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End of Meal Transition

Dear Miss Faith,
I run a small home daycare, and a difficult time for me is clearing the table after a meal.  Do you have the kids clear their bowls or empty extra food into the compost?  My children excuse themselves when finished and leave their items on the table to be cleared and then washed by myself and any child who wants to help.  I'd like to have a clearing/composting process, but the sink is often not ready for dishes, and we do the dishes in wash tubs on the table anyway....any suggestions?  I'd love to know what you do with your children.  
Thanks so much, Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
          There are lots of different things you can do to help smooth things out at the end of a meal.  At Rainbow Bridge, we do things differently at the end of lunch than we do for the snack after naptime, for example.  Lunch is the big meal of the day that is also a social time, so everyone stays at the table while the candle is lit, until the meal is done.  At the end of the meal I'll sing, "Last little nibbles," then "Last sips of water."  I'll blow out the candle and put washtubs on the table, and children put their bowls, cups and spoons in the washtubs.  Then I pass out a wet warm washcloth to each child, and we play a fun little game with wiping our hands, faces, and the table in front of us.  One game that the children love is "questions," where we all hold the washcloths up against our mouths, and the children suggest questions for me to ask.  The answer to these questions is always "no," so everyone shakes their heads while holding the cloths still, effectively wiping their mouths.  Questions range from "Will we wear our bathing suits to play out in the snow?" to "Is my house made of cheese?"  Then cloths go in a bowl and children push their chairs in.  A washcloth for each child definitely increases the laundry load, but it's well worth it in my opinion.  
          When my mom is in charge of a meal, she excuses each child by bringing out Redbird (a wool bird on a string, held by a stick), and children make a 'nest' with their hands for redbird to land in.  Once Redbird lands in a child's 'nest' he may leave the table.
          When I worked at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten, children scraped their bowls into the compost before they put them in a washtub.  This was a fairly energy-intensive activity for the adults, and success depends on having a good traffic pattern from the table to the compost bucket to the washtub.  The compost bucket also can't be too small!
          For the snack after naptime, things are much looser.  Children eat as they wake up, and when they are done they take their bowls to the counter and go into the playroom to play.  If they've spilled (it's usually apple sauce or yoghurt) they get a cloth and wipe it up.  
          So, there are different ways to do it, and different meals can have different levels of formality.  Since your children are excused from the table as they finish, it seems they could easily take their bowls to the counter, or to a washtub if the counter is too high.  I knew one LifeWays caregiver who had very little ones.  She would excuse them one by one and have them come stand in front of her, and she would wipe their face and brush off their clothes before they left the eating area.  It was a fairly slow process, but the children clearly enjoyed getting that snippet of direct personal attention.
          I hope these ideas get your creative juices flowing, and good luck!
Warmly,
Miss Faith

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Dressing for Snow

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With snowy weather on the horizon or outside your door, the idea of getting kids dressed to play outside can be daunting. “Is it really worth it?” you wonder to yourself. “We'll probably end up spending more time dressing and undressing than we will outside. Maybe we'll just stay in today.”

Well, take it from me: IT'S WORTH IT!!!! If you think dressing one child, or even two children, to go outside it more than it's worth, just remember that I spent my first three years of teaching at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten with EIGHT toddlers and one assistant. And going outside was always worth it. Even when it didn't seem like it would be worth it, it was always worth it. Even when it meant dressing eight 1- and 2-year-olds in a row, it was still worth it (although we'd usually split them up, and do four outside before lunch, and four outside after lunch).

Why do I think it's worth it? Here are my reasons:

1.    Children thrive on being outside. Although it can take them awhile to get used to cold or snowy weather, if you do it every day, they will get used to it and really learn to enjoy it.
2.    Being outdoors in the cold takes lots of energy. Using that energy has the dual benefit of helping a child grow hale and hearty, and it uses up a big portion of energy so they can be calm when they come in. When children have had the chance to play outside for a significant portion of time in the morning, the rest of the day goes so much more smoothly!

So, how did I have the patience to dress so many children for outside play in snowy weather each day? Well, a turning point came to me when I stopped viewing dressing for snow as a means to an end (getting outside), and started looking at it as an activity that could be a useful and even enjoyable; an activity in its own right. That new lens completely transformed my experience of getting ready to go outside. I stopped rushing and I slowed down. I looked at children learning to dress themselves as a real skill that was worth taking the time to learn. Look at all the gross-motor skills involved in putting on snowpants or a jacket! Look at all the fine-motor skills involved in zipping up a coat or putting on mittens. Look at how proud a child is when she is finally able to get her boots on all by herself!

If it takes twenty minutes to get ready to go outside, who cares? You don't mind if it takes twenty minutes to do an arts-and-crafts project, or to bake a cake. In fact, twenty minutes is a great amount of time for an activity! And children love it just as much as an arts-and-crafts activity, if you put the same sort of fun and delighted energy into it that you do into arts-and-crafts. They love all of the direct attention that you're giving them if you're watching and helping just as little as is needed to help them get to the next point. They love your encouragement as you watch them struggle to put on a boot and you say, “You can do it!” and they love the feeling of accomplishment when they can. So if it takes twenty minutes to dress for going outside, and then it's so chilly you can only play outside for fifteen minutes, that's OK, because while dressing warmly is necessary for going outside, it was a great activity in its own right.

There are a few things that can help dressing for snow become an enjoyable activity. The first one I already mentioned: Slow Down! In order to be able to slow down enough, make sure that you have a comfortable place to sit, on a stool or a cushion, or even a piece of carpet. Also, if you're going slowly, be sure to put your child's jacket on last (after boots and hats and even mittens, depending on the style) so they don't overheat. Another tip: as you change your attitude towards dressing for snow, and you're viewing it as a chance to let your child develop her gross-motor and fine-motor skills and to bond with you, consider putting your child's clothes on in the same order, and the same way, each time. Children learn through imitation, and when you do things in the same order and the same way each time, they can start to pick up each piece for themselves. My suggestion is for snowpants first, then boots, then hat, then mittens, then jacket. A way to make this routine fun can be to sing a little song or say a little rhyme for each part. For instance, one LifeWays provider I know tells a story of a train going through a tunnel for each leg going into a pair of snowpants. Each leg chug-chug-chugs as it goes through, then a triumphant Toot-toot! When it appears out the other side. And another teacher I know has a sweet yet informative song for putting on mittens: “Thumb in the thumb-hole, fingers all together. That's how we dress in cold and snowy weather,” she'll sing.

In fact, after you start dressing in this new way, your main problem may be that your child always wants to dress in this style, leading to upsets when you're in a rush and don't have twenty minutes to spend getting out the door. My suggestion for this is to have two styles of getting ready to go outside: the fun way, and the fast way. Let your child know which they can expect as you go over to the door. “Normally you love getting ready to go out the fun way, but today we're going to the doctor, so we'll get ready the fast way instead. You'll sit down on your little changing chair and I'll zip-zip-zip you right into everything.” Then, when you're dressing them as fast as you can, make fast zip-zip-zipping sounds with each movement, stopping every once in awhile to smile at them or give them a kiss.

So, give it a try, and do your best to get outside for at least a little while each day. If you get into this habit, you'll be amazed at the end of the winter how competent your little one can be.

Warmly (no pun intended!),
Miss Faith

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Changing Diapers

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Many parents and caregivers whose children actively dislike diaper-changing try to do it as fast as they can, and get it over with as quickly as possible. But in my experience, this merely accentuates all of the things kids dislike about getting their diaper changed, making it even more intensely unpleasant. On the other hand, you can spend all day trying to talk a child over to the changing table if he doesn't want to go, drawing out the unpleasantness indefinitely. What to do?

My views and practices on diaper changing were altered terrifically by my LifeWays training. Up until that time, I had just viewed diaper changing as a slightly unpleasant task that has to be done multiple times per day. But LifeWays suggests making times of bodily care into special times to bond with the child, and diapering is a very intimate piece of bodily care. Using this lens can completely transform your diapering experience, whether your child hates diapering or merely tolerates it. From the child's point of view, this changes the diapering experience from one of being torn away from play, manhandled, then put down again as quickly as possible, to a special time of connection with their adult. My second year of teaching, I was so inspired by these ideas and I made diaper changing such a special time that none of the children had any interest in potty training! But that's a post for another day.

Going to the Changing Table
Breaking kids away from their play can be difficult, especially if your child already has a negative association with diaper changing. Having a routine, for instance, always change their diaper right after they're done eating but before their play starts again, can help. Also, try diapering on the way to doing something they like. “Are you ready to go outside? Let's tidy up.” After tidying, you might say, “We're getting ready to go outside. First we'll get a fresh, dry diaper, then get on our shoes, jackets and hats, and then we'll be ready to play in the snow!” As we're going to the changing table, I'll talk about what we'll see outside, “Do you think Squirrel Pipkin will be running around in the Cottonwood tree when we get outside? I wonder if he's eaten all of the corn off of the cob we put out for him.”

If a child is playing and I can tell she's soiled her diaper, I'll let her know what's coming. “It smells like you have a poopy diaper. I'll finish wiping the table, and then I'll take you to get a new diaper.” When my table-wiping is done, I'll often give a choice: “Would you like to walk, or hop like a bunny?” Often, hopping like a bunny to the changing table is a fun enough activity to take a child's mind off where she's going; as she hops I'll sing, “Here comes Sarah Cottontail/Hopping down the bunny trail/Hippety hoppety, hippety hoppety, Sarah's on her way.” If I suspect that she won't walk or hop, I'll structure my offer so that one option involves me carrying her over: “Would you like to walk, or fly like an airplane?” Then I'll fly her here and there until she's laughing, and eventually land on the changing table.

Sometimes, though, I know that no option will be attractive, and nothing will distract her; we've been through this many times before. In that case, I'll simply ask, “Would you like to walk, or shall I carry you?” At this point, a child will sometimes ignore me, hoping that the situation will disappear. However, I know that she has a soiled diaper, and my job as the caring adult is to clean her up. I also know that no amount of reasoning or cajoling is likely to work now. You can't change emotion through logic, and she DOESN'T WANT to. I acknowledge this: “You wish you could keep playing. I get that. But it's time to get a new diaper. Will you choose, or shall I choose for you?” If she still refuses to make a choice, I'll say, “OK, I'll choose this time,” and I pick her up. Often at that point she'll suddenly say, “I walk. I walk.” But I tell her compassionately, “I'm sorry, it's too late to choose now. You can choose to walk next time.” This may sound draconian to some parents, but my experience is that this rarely happens more than twice if you're consistent; after that children know to choose when the choice is offered, and things go much more smoothly all around. The key is to do it with compassion; you don't have to be mean in order to be firm.

On the Changing Table
Whew! You made it to the changing table! The hardest part is done!

How can this be? you might ask. You've had lots of trouble on the changing table, and you're girding your loins for battle. However, my experience is that the transition of leaving play is the hardest part, and once you're on the changing table, you can shape the experience into one where you're connecting with each other. And the counter-intuitive trick that will change your diapering experience is this: if your child hates having his diaper changed, slow it waaaaayyyy down. Instead of making this about changing the dirty diaper as quickly as possible, make it about having eye-to-eye face-time with your child. Make it a time of you loving on him and connecting with him. Make the diaper-changing aspect of it into a side note.

Here's how I do it: when a child is laying down on the changing table, I look down at him and smile into his eyes. Sometimes I'll stroke his hair and down both sides of his face while I do it. Then I'll grin a little and lift the bottom of his shirt, and play a belly-button game: “All around the haystack goes the little mouse,” I'll say, circling his belly-button with my finger. Then I'll start to 'walk' my fingers up his tummy. “One step, two step, into his little house!” And that mouse will run up into his armpit. I'll do this two or three or even four times in row, until he's relaxed and smiley. Sometimes I'll alternate the rhyme with this one: “All around the playground goes the teddy bear. One step, two step, tickly under there!”

Next, I'll take off his pants. If he starts to get anxious because he knows the diaper-changing is about to start, I'll pause again, and do a little game with his feet: clapping his feet together sole to sole, I'll chant, “Shoe a little horse! Shoe a little mare! But little Justin's feet go bare, bare bare!” Then I'll kiss the bottom of one foot while looking up at his face, then the bottom of the other. I'll alternate feet, kissing and kissing again until he's relaxed once more. Then I'll pull out one or two wipes and get the new diaper open and ready, talking about the mobile that's hanging above his head, or the mama-baby picture at the foot of the table. I'll open the soiled diaper very slowly, pull it away and put it in the diaper pail with one hand, holding my other warmly against his tummy.  Once I had a little boy in my care who hated diapering, and I was changing his diaper while his mom watched, so she could get some new ideas.  I opened his diaper and he began to writhe and buck.  So I put my face down into his neck and started giving him lots of loud kisses, making them much more attention-grabbing than the diaper coming off.  "I see," the mother said thoughtfully, "You just kiss him into submission!"  I had to laugh.

Now comes the part that many children dislike: being wiped with cold wet wipes. I once had a wipe-warmer that was like a low-grade hotplate that went under the container of wipes, but it would dry the pack out, so I got rid of it. Instead, I'll hold the wipe up and say in a silly voice, “It might be chilly.” Then I'll put the wipe against his bottom and hold it in one place for a moment until it warms up. “Brrrr! Oh, now it's not so bad.” Then I'll start wiping, but sooooo ssllloooowwwlllyyy. While this is happening, I'm looking at his face, not at his bottom. Depending on the child, at this point I might simply look silently into his eyes, or I might tell a little story, a longer nursery rhyme (I like the on that starts “There was an old woman thrown up in a basket/seventeen times as high as the moon”), or, if being wiped is a very intense experience for this little boy, I'll make sound effects as I slowly wipe: “Zzzzzzzooop! Zzzzzooop!” Then I might change the speed a little, changing the speed of my sounds as I do: “Zoop-zoop!” for two little dabs, then a longer stroke again, “Zzzzzzzzoooop.” We are both watching each other and concentrating on the sounds and the feeling of the wipe. I smile at him. “That's a strange feeling, huh? You're doing a great job. I'm proud of you.” I give him a kiss on the forehead. We put on his new diaper, and I open the tabs and let him help place them. I stand him up and have him give me a big hug as I pull up his pants. Then I hug him back, and nuzzle his neck, and swing him down from the changing table. “Come on, let's go wash our hands,” I'll say.

So, the main thing is, get them to the changing table fairly quickly, and then take it slow and make it into a time where you're connecting with each other.  The diaper will get changed, but that's not what he will remember from it.  If you're stuck in a rut of neither of you liking it, don't be discouraged if it takes some time for them to get over their negative associations.  Just keep at it.  Good luck!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Using Imagery

Children, even more than adults, think in images. When we speak to children using imagery, it speaks directly to their imaginations. Whether or not we are conscious of this, anyone who has spent time with young children uses imaginative imagery: when we want a child to come to the table, and they're underneath it pretending to be a cat, we will enter into the fantasy easily. “Come to your your chair, little kitty,” we'll call, and pet them when they climb up. As we get practice, we start introducing imaginative imagery of our own to help children move in the direction we want. “The train's leaving. Climb aboard! Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga. Toot-toooot!” They are happy to go out the door and into the car if it has suddenly transformed into a train. But in addition to imaginative imagery, knowing that children think in images can change the way we talk to them, even in mundane matters. There are three ways that I do this all the time.

Building A New Experience
The first way that I use imagery is in helping children prepare for new or unusual experiences. When I worked at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten, I used to take a small group of children each week to visit my grandmother at the Waldorf-inspired assisted-living home a few blocks away. I would usually take three 2-year-olds and and a 1-year-old, by myself. As you can imagine, things had to go smoothly! And they did. I prepared the way by talking about what was going to happen. Each day for four or five days before we went for the first time, I talked about it, telling it as if it were a story. “Not today, but someday soon, we'll go on a trip to visit my Grandma Kathy,” I would start, in my storytelling voice. “On that day, we'll be eating lunch just like today. After we finish our lunch, we'll scrape our bowls, and put our napkins away. Then we'll get our jackets on,” (I mime putting mine on) “and we'll put our shoes on, and when we're all ready, we'll go outside and climb into the blue wagon. Then away we'll go, to Grandma Kathy's house!” I'll pause, to let them absorb the image. “On the way there, I'll pull you in the wagon and I'll sing a song, and you will each sit straight and tall, listening to me sing the whole way there. When we get to Grandma Kathy's house, we'll say, 'Hello Grandma Kathy!' And I 'll give her a kiss on the cheek. Then we'll color pictures, and read a book, and when we're done playing, we'll get back in the wagon and come back here, to our very own classroom.”

When the day finally came, we spent the morning baking banana bread to bring to Grandma Kathy's house, and when it was finally lunchtime, the children could hardly contain their excitement. Today was the day! After lunch, each of the children knew exactly what to do. They were living the story! The visit went as smooth as could be, and visiting Grandma Kathy became one of the highlights of each week.

Right Before
The second way I use imagery is to create an image right before something is about to happen. If we're coming inside on a snowy day, I'll pause right outside the door. “When I open the door, we'll both go inside and you'll sit right down on the Changing Chair to take off your boots.” Or, at Grandma Kathy's, “When the wagon stops I'll lift you out one by one, and you'll all stay right next to the wagon so we can walk to the door together.” Using this type of very-specific, realistic imagery can be very reassuring to children, as they know exactly how things are going to be. Sometimes they will still get distracted and forget the image, but many more times than not, they will live into it. It works with children as young as almost-two, and works with my big five-year-olds.

Picturing Change
The third time I will use realistic imagery is when I'm frustrated with a child's behavior, and I will use it to create the possibility of a future where they act differently. I use a light touch light touch with this. After picking up a dropped spoon at the table for the umpteenth time, I'll muse out loud, as if to myself, “Some day I bet you'll keep your spoon in your bowl for the entire meal. Maybe even tomorrow!” And I'll sit back down. You never know. It probably won't be tomorrow, but it MIGHT be. I've set the scene.

Hard Mornings

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Q: My four and a half year old has suddenly turned into a raging grouch in the mornings: won't do anything I say, screams at us, sometimes throws full-blown fits. He often calms down after he has breakfast, but not always. What can we do to calm things down?

A: My first question would be, is he getting enough sleep? 4-5 year olds still need at least 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If he has recently stopped napping, you'll need to compensate with an earlier bedtime. Also, children who are sleep-deprived often have a hard time falling asleep, and wake up early. Remember, sleep begets sleep, so try moving his bedtime half an hour earlier, and see if that helps.

My second thought is that he might be going through a growth spurt, so he has low blood sugar when he wakes up. The fact that he often calms down after breakfast supports this idea. A couple ideas here: first, try to give him a substantial snack before bed. Something like oatmeal can be warm and calming as a bedtime snack. Or a cup of warm milk, or a banana. Next, try having some food ready for him as soon as he wakes up, already set up at the table on a pretty placemat.

Third, if you've fallen into a pattern of negative interactions in the morning, you'll need to shift things around in order to change the energy of the situation. Does he wake up on his own? If so, when he comes out of his room, you might try saying gently: “Oh, I'm glad to see that you're awake! Come sit on my lap and eat this banana while I read you this story.” Being warm and snuggly on your lap without having to interact much directly is a nice way to wake up. When I have children in my care waking up, I will bring them onto my lap and brush their hair gently. I often spray the brush with Rosemary-water, which is gently invigorating. As I do this, I will talk about what I was doing while they were asleep, and what we'll be doing for the rest of the afternoon. This is a very gentle description, using lots of imagery and not expecting any answers until they're ready.

If he starts to fall into the belligerent behavior, your can tell him, firmly but still lovingly: “Please ask me again, in a respectful tone of voice.” If he's unable to do that yet, you might say, “I can see you're really hungry. I bet after you eat your breakfast, you'll be ready to speak respectfully.” If he's falling apart because he's having a hard time waking up and has low blood sugar, then walking away from bad behavior won't be very effective, as he'll be unable to self-regulate until he's had some food. So something I use in situations like that is this: I'll say, “Wow, you're having a tough time. I'm going to give you a big hug, and when I'm done, you can sit down quietly and eat your breakfast.” Then I'll give the child a big, soft, enveloping hug, pouring as much love into him as possible. I might even whisper “I love you so much.” Getting a hug and love at a time when they're acting unlovable is often just what a child needs in order to calm himself if they're tired or overwhelmed. Then I'll pull back a little, look at him, and say lovingly, “Are you ready to sit down at the table now?” Usually I'll get a quiet nod.

Framing

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In my LifeWays early childhood training, my instructor Cynthia Aldinger talked about framing: that is, thinking about what comes before and after each experience in order to help the day to flow smoothly. For example, we know we shouldn't rough-house with the kids right before bedtime, or it will be hard for them to settle down. And who can forget the the age-old, “Don't have a snack now! You'll ruin your appetite for dinner!” If you have a time of day that's often hard, and you've tried making changes but it doesn't seem to be working, try changing what comes before or after that time, instead. I experienced this myself one late spring, when I was having trouble at lunchtime with my group at Rainbow Bridge. The children just always seemed to be “fully of beans” (as my mother used to say): giggly and rowdy. Mealtimes are generally one of my favorite times of the day, but I had stopped enjoying lunchtimes at all. It seemed like I spent the entire meal reminding children to speak quietly, and sit up straight, and eat with their spoons, and only use their water for drinking, etc. etc.

Finally, I remembered the idea of framing, and I thought about how the meal was framed. The weather was quite nice, so we were playing outside before lunch, then coming in for lunch and going right back outside again until the end of the morning. There was lots of big movement outside: running and digging and bike-riding. The children knew they would be right back at it as soon as the meal was done, so there was no impetus to reign their energy in.

I knew I needed to do something to help change the energy for lunch. The next day I prepared the lunch and got everything ready to go, then I put a lid on the bowl and a towel over top. I called the children to the door, but instead of piling inside for lunch, I let them in one at a time. As each one came in, I whispered in his ear: “Tiptoe to the couch and sit down sooo quietly.” Surprised and intrigued, they did exactly what I said. When the children were all sitting down, I took a quilt and put it over all of their laps, then I sat down in a rocking chair in front of them, and did a little “puppet show” in my lap. It was a very simply two little dolls who acted out nursery rhymes as I said them, repeating each rhyme two or three times. Then the dolls went back on their shelf, and I picked up a little harp and strummed my finger across it. I took it to the couch, and I let each child play the harp, then walk to his or her seat at the table. When they were all seated, we started our lunch as usual. Wow! What a difference! The children were all calm and content, and talked and ate quietly throughout the meal. From that day forward, we did puppet shows before lunch until the end of the school-year.

Discussion Questions:
How do you see framing at work in how you put your child's day together? What changes to your routine have you made in order to affect another part of the day? What part of the day might need some tweaking right now? What ideas do you have?