Making Your Own Rituals

You may have noticed that the children in your life love having things done exactly the same way every time. There is a good reason for this: when we do things the same way each time, it lets children develop competence. They are able to anticipate what will happen next, they know exactly how things go, and eventually they will be able to do it themselves. Children get a great deal of satisfaction in having things done the same way each time. As adults, this can sometimes drive us crazy, either because we're in a rush, or simply because we get bored of doing the same things over and over again. However, there is a way to do things the same way each time that feels fulfilling to both child and adult: to take our routines and transform them into rituals.

What is ritual? There are six definitions in my dictionary. One is, “Any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner.” If we use this definition, we engage in many, many rituals each day, whether we think of them that way or not. However, the term ritual often has connotations of ceremony, sometimes in connection with religious or spiritual practice. The set of actions is imbued with emotion or meaning. Think about the rituals that you remember as a child. Many people have fond memories of holiday rituals. Whether you are religious or not, holiday rituals often hold a special place because adults do their best to imbue them with specialness, with love and beauty.

When we take our day-to-day routines and imbue them with love and beauty, we transform the experience, and with it we transform our children's experience of the world. An easy place to start is eating and sleeping. How can you add some love and beauty into these routines? It can be simple, such as saying a grace or lighting a candle before a meal, or saying a certain nursery rhyme as you wipe their faces after meals. As you start to get inspired, your rituals can become more complex. For example, if you like to keep fresh-cut flowers in your dining room (which I highly recommend!), then you might have a little bud vase that stays by your child's bed. The bedtime routine could start with the child choosing one flower from the dining room arrangement, and taking it upstairs to put in his bud vase. He brushes teeth with you and gets pajamas on, then climbs into bed and you bring the vase over for him admire and smell the flower one last time before turning out the lights, and you sing softly while he falls asleep. Later, before you go to bed yourself, take the bud vase downstairs and set up a breakfast spot for your child: beautiful place-mat, bowl, cup, bib, and the bud vase with the flower, to wait for your child's awakening. After your child has eaten breakfast, you or he can put the flower back in the dining room flower arrangement, and you put the bud vase by his bed again, to wait for evening.

Incorporating these little pieces of beauty into your day can change things from being ho-hum to being a bit magical. My only word of warning is not to add too much too fast, and not to add so much that you get bogged down going through all of the steps every day. Remember, simpler is often better (notice that there was no story-reading in the bedtime ritual described above; the flower took its place). Try adding one thing at a time, and let everyone get used to it before you add the next piece. So you might start adding beauty to your meals first by getting fresh flowers for the table or sideboard. Then by getting nice place-mats. Then a candle to light at the meal. Thinking about how to add beauty and love to each portion of your day can help keep you inspired in your parenting and home-making.

You can also have rituals which only happen periodically. I knew one lovely woman who would pick up her young grandson from kindergarten every Friday and they would take the city bus to the library, choose one book, and bring it home. That one book would be read every time she saw him (she was a secondary caregiver) until the next Friday. To me, taking the city bus with a five-year-old sounds like torture, but she explained how taking the bus was an integral part of their experience together, and they both looked forward to it all week. So it's not so much WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it, and the life you breathe into it. Other periodic rituals can happen inside the home, such as baking bread or making cornmeal muffins on the same day each week, or having certain toys that only come out on rainy days, or singing the same song each time you go to a certain place (My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean each time you go to the lake, or Over the River and Through the Woods each time you go to Grandma's house, etc.). Giving these activities the regularity and the same-ness that you might not otherwise consider doing can turn them into rituals, and may be the ones that your children remember fondly when they have grown up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Everyone enjoy your Thanksgiving!  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I'm really missing the States today, and feeling especially grateful for my family and my community in Boulder even though I'm not there.

Instead of writing about toddlers, I'm going to give you my current favorite Thanksgiving recipe.  I found this about 3 years ago, and I love it!  It's relatively easy, but the colors are vibrant and it tastes fresh and delicious.  I love the beet/tarragon/orange flavor combo.

Roasted Beet Salad with Oranges & Greens

Ingredients:
6 medium beets w/ greens attached
2 large oranges
1 small sweet onion in thin wedges

Dressing:
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. grated orange peel
1 small bunch fresh tarragon
salt and pepper to taste

Chop off the greens and roast or boil the beets (to roast, wrap each one in foil and cook at 400 for 90 minutes.  This can be done a day in advance).  Peel and cut into bite-sized wedges.

While beets are cooking, peel oranges and peel off the sides of each segment (some types of oranges are better for this than others, but I don't know which).

Chop beet greens and steam till just tender (if your sweet-onion is not sweet enough, saute onion slices until almost soft, then fold the greens in)

Mix up the dressing, then combine everything.  Let stand at least one hour before serving.  Serve at room temperature.  If you want, add some soft goat cheese on top.

Enjoy!

Being Firm Without Being Mean

I've talked before about how it benefits children when we have clear expectations and firm boundaries, and how it is reassuring to children to know that we are in charge. I've talked about how having regular schedules and doing things the same way each time can help cut down on discipline issues and allow children to develop expertise. But even when we do all of these things, issues are bound to arise. One of the main tasks of the toddler is to establish their own opinions.

A mother came to me last spring to ask advice. Lately, when they had been getting dressed in the morning, her 2 ½ year old daughter wouldn't allow them to put socks on her. Mom, who was home with her all day, thought they should pick their battles and wanted to let her go barefoot in her shoes. Dad said that it was important for her to know they were in charge, and once he'd said she had to wear socks, he couldn't back down. He had tried reasoning, bribing, and finally resorted to manhandling her to put her socks and shoes on. The whole thing had taken twenty minutes and involved lots of tears. What was my opinion?

The first piece of my response is that while it is important for everybody to feel like you are the one in charge, that doesn't mean that you can't take her opinion into account. So if you tell her she has to put socks on and she puts up a fight, you might say, “Oh! I can see you don't want to put your socks on. Why don't you try asking me politely: 'Dad, please no socks!'” When she manages to ask politely, you can consider her request. “That was nice asking. I think it would be OK for you to have bare feet today.” On the other hand, if it's snowy and cold, you might respond, “I heard your nice asking, but it's a snowy day. We will all wear socks today.” Sometimes, just feeling like their opinion has been heard will be enough to diffuse the situation. More likely, however, tears will ensue. At this point, many adults make the mistake of trying to reason with their child, pointing out the temperature, talking about the importance of warmth, etc. But reasoning almost never works at this point; it can even have the opposite effect and send tears into a tantrum. When you've said no to something, just be compassionate for a moment. “That's a disappointment, isn't it.” Give her a hug. Really acknowledge her feelings, and then move on, using humor and a little imagination.

You might try something like this: “This ssssock iss a sssslithery ssssnake! He'ssss ssseeking ssssomething to eat! Sssssssssss! The sock-snake probably won't go straight for the foot. He might try to eat a book, then the bed-post, then it finds the foot. “Sssay, sssausssage! Delicioussss!” And the snake may be able to eat up that fat sausage, and the day can go on. But maybe he comes up to the foot, and she remembers and pulls her foot back. The snake's 'head' bows down. “Ohh, the ssssnake is ssssooo ssssad!” The snake shakes his head sadly, and peeks up at her. She's smiling a little smile. “Pleassssse, says the sssnake! PLEASSSSE sssend me the sssausssage!” Maybe she sends her foot his way. If she doesn't, it's time to take more drastic action. Put the sock on over your hand and swoop down and swing her up. “This snake is starving! He's gobbling you all up!!!!” Fall onto the bed with her, kissing her and nuzzling her into helpless laughter. While she's laughing, slip that sock on. Then immediately pick her up and move on into a different room. As you're leaving the bedroom, you might say, “Wow, that was sure a hungry snake! I'm hungry too! Let's see what's for breakfast.”

The most important lesson in all of this is that when children don't want to do something, don't try to 'change their minds' through reason. You can't use reason to change an emotion, and they don't WANT to. Instead, meet the emotion with understanding, then work to bring up a different emotion using imagination and wit. When this other emotion is going you can usually do the action that they were protesting, without talking about it. If you're tired and hungry yourself, and you can't come up with the imaginative forces to turn that sock into a snake, there is the simpler (although less effective and less joyful) method of saying, “I see that you're not ready to put your socks on yet. We can put them on in a minute or two.” Then after a couple of minutes, don't discuss anything, just matter-of-factly put them on your lap and start pulling the socks on, while talking about something else altogether. Children who are loving the word “No!” will often let you do things without words that they will vehemently disagree with if you ask them verbally.

These are techniques that I use all the time with the toddlers in my care. By keeping my compassion intact and my imaginative forces strong, I am able to move through the day with relatively few battles of will. And sometimes I see how strongly a child feels about something, and I change my mind. But even then, children can rest in the assurance that I'm the one who is making the decision.